My Wife and her ex-boyfriend
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Old 07-06-2012, 09:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

Hello,

So my wife and I have been married for a year and a half now and we have 1 daughter together. When we got together it was only several months after we both got out of other relationships. I dated a girl for a year and a half, she dated a guy for four months.

It has been a few months now since I found out that my wife has been completely unhappy in our marriage. She said she has never been happy and then stated she was really contemplating divorce. We decided to continue and try and work things out. Now its several months later, and we're still at square one. She says our marriage sucks and that she is still totally unhappy.

She claims that the reason many times she cannot tell me things and be close to me is because of things that happened in her former relationship. They dated for four months in which she says she poured everything she had. When he left, things went unexplained and unanswered.

Now her and her ex have been in communication via Facebook lately talking somewhat about it. She says she needs to figure thins out with him before she can completely give herself to me emotionally. When she talks about how she felt in their realtionship, she describes this euphoric state of like absolutely love. So now they talk all the time on facebook and it is driving a wedge into our relationship. (I have history with this kid and it stems back to him trying to cheat on (now my wife) with a girl who was my girlfriend at the time, and her friends. I saw the lies he told these girls and I was left having to deal with all of this drama when crap went down.)

I have a slightly disturbing hated for her ex, even before I knew that he was her ex. I can't stand him and every fiber of my being just gets so angry when he is around. I am trying to be okay with my wife trying to figure stuff out but now it is just her and him talking all the time and when I express that I want her to not talk to him as much, she just says "Don't try to control me. I am a grown person and I'll do what I want." I cannot stand the thought of him being in our lives at all for much longer. I just wish my wife would leave the past, in the past.

To wrap this story up, I am now trying to deal with them talking on facebook; how should I treat that? Should she be talking to him? I don't see how it is healthy for us. Am I right in not wanting him around or am I just being overbearing?

If you'd like to know anything more just let me know. If not, I would extremely appreciate your responses.
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Old 07-06-2012, 09:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

IMHO She has reattached to her EX...

Talkin to her EX about marital problems is his doorway in to a relationship with her.
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Old 07-06-2012, 09:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

It sounds like she is having an EA. Almost like she cannot get over him, and she is trying to hold on to those emotions. The more she talks to him, the closer she is going to get with him, and the more unhappy she is going to become. She's getting her cake and eatng it too. I hate to say it, but that jumped at me as I read through this.
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Old 07-06-2012, 09:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

EXs need to be no contact period. Her EX is driving a wedge into your relationship. It may be too late but that does not matter. The longer this goes on the worse it is going to get.

So you need to tell her you want to work on the marriage and that she must go NC with her EX. It would have been better of course if you giys had already doen His Needs Her Needs and set some boundaries. Because it is these lack of baoundaries that is killing your marriage.

If by taking a firm stand she chooses the EX then so be it. You are losing her now anyway. Your only chance of keeping her is to get her out of her affair with her EX she is in.

Letting this get started at all was a big problem.
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Old 07-06-2012, 09:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

The only thing your wife is trying to figure out with her X, is how to get him inside without you knowing about it. Your wife probably started cheating on you when she said "she has never been happy and then stated she was really contemplating divorce." That's close enough to ILYBINILWY for me.

You need to investigate. Does your wife work? Have her own car? Is she glued to her phone? Do they get together in person (so far as you know)?
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Old 07-06-2012, 09:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

My statement to her would be:

Either remove ALL contact with him, and work for our marriage

OR

We get divorced, you go your way, I go mine.
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Old 07-06-2012, 09:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

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Originally Posted by Person12 View Post
Hello,

So my wife and I have been married for a year and a half now and we have 1 daughter together. When we got together it was only several months after we both got out of other relationships. I dated a girl for a year and a half, she dated a guy for four months.

It has been a few months now since I found out that my wife has been completely unhappy in our marriage. She said she has never been happy and then stated she was really contemplating divorce. We decided to continue and try and work things out. Now its several months later, and we're still at square one. She says our marriage sucks and that she is still totally unhappy.

She claims that the reason many times she cannot tell me things and be close to me is because of things that happened in her former relationship. They dated for four months in which she says she poured everything she had. When he left, things went unexplained and unanswered.

Now her and her ex have been in communication via Facebook lately talking somewhat about it. She says she needs to figure thins out with him before she can completely give herself to me emotionally. When she talks about how she felt in their realtionship, she describes this euphoric state of like absolutely love. So now they talk all the time on facebook and it is driving a wedge into our relationship. (I have history with this kid and it stems back to him trying to cheat on (now my wife) with a girl who was my girlfriend at the time, and her friends. I saw the lies he told these girls and I was left having to deal with all of this drama when crap went down.)

I have a slightly disturbing hated for her ex, even before I knew that he was her ex. I can't stand him and every fiber of my being just gets so angry when he is around. I am trying to be okay with my wife trying to figure stuff out but now it is just her and him talking all the time and when I express that I want her to not talk to him as much, she just says "Don't try to control me. I am a grown person and I'll do what I want." I cannot stand the thought of him being in our lives at all for much longer. I just wish my wife would leave the past, in the past.

To wrap this story up, I am now trying to deal with them talking on facebook; how should I treat that? Should she be talking to him? I don't see how it is healthy for us. Am I right in not wanting him around or am I just being overbearing?

If you'd like to know anything more just let me know. If not, I would extremely appreciate your responses.
This guy may NOT even have any interest EXCEPT that once again, he has f u c k e d you . . .
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Old 07-06-2012, 10:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

Thanks for the responses. I know she is not physically cheating because we only have one phone and one car. So unless she is an expert sneaker (which she is about a smooth as sand paper), I really don't think anything is going on.

I have mentioned several times that I wish for him to be completely gone out of our lives and I just get the same "I am not going to let you control me. It is my decision to make either way." I don't want to push her away by saying "fine, if you want him in your life, then I'll be out" because she says that it makes her not want to be with me (because it is controlling in her opinion.) But at the same time, we're already facing an up hill battle seeing how we are both young and relatively newlyweds with a small child and I feel like this is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I am really just lost at what to do. She refuses to go talk to a counselor because she says that she "just CANNOT talk to someone she doesn't really know about something so private". So there is that idea gone too.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Person12 View Post
I am trying to be okay with my wife trying to figure stuff out but now it is just her and him talking all the time and when I express that I want her to not talk to him as much, she just says "Don't try to control me. I am a grown person and I'll do what I want."
She's a grown person in a marriage of 2 not 3.This isn't high school dating bullsh*t,she took vows which she is no longer living up to.Imo,it's time to put all your chips on the table friend or you'll be doing this dance with her for the rest of your life or at least until she's finished with you.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

Person,

Let me tell you something. You need to man up now. This is him or me time. I have lived my marriage with specter of her old boyfriend hanging over our head and it sucks. Nip this in the bud now. That means no contact ever again or it is over. If you let this drag on and do not take a stand and she stays..................he will always be lingering. Time for her to understand what it is to be a "married adult". This is not a control issue it is a respect issue and she has none for you and you are not doing diddly about it.


WAKE UP!
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Old 07-07-2012, 12:03 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

It has been a few months now since I found out that my wife has been completely unhappy in our marriage. She said she has never been happy

Was she happy the day she married you?

She only told you about it over a year into the marriage.

Did her Facebook contact with the old boyfriend start at about the same time as she told you she was unhappy in your marriage?

Can you see the content of their messages?

I know she is not physically cheating because we only have one phone and one car.

So, she never leaves the house, you never leave the house, and he can't travel to meet her? And they can't communicate in any other way by phone? There is no way they could be alone together anywhere at anytime? This is not a convincing argument that you KNOW she is not physically cheating. Did you leave out some other facts as to why she can't be cheating or do you base it just on the no phone, no car?

She is not afraid of losing you. Why are you afraid of losing her? It seems she already has chosen him over you. She won't give up talking to him for you.

Cheaters follow a script. It is remarkable how similar cheaters behave. Your wife is following the script to a T. This script calls for her to re-establish contact with an ex-boyfriend, tell the husband she's not happy and hasn't been for a long time, tell the husband I love you but I'm not in love with you, text/message with the other man and keep the messages secret from the husband and, if the husband pushes her to stop, tell the husband he's controlling. Has she told you "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I have never been in love with you"?

Betrayed husbands follow a script also. You are following it to a T. That script is to be afraid to confront your wife about ending the affair or else she will leave you.

There is no guarantee that you can save your marriage, but you are not going to save it by doing nothing and letting the situation with the other man play out. If they haven't met up for sex yet, they will soon. Then she will tell you she needs "space" and ask you to move out. That way she can explore her relationship with the other man while you take care of your child and all expenses. By doing nothing, you are letting yourself in for weeks if not months of pain.

It is better to take action and confront your wife, but don't confront her yet.

If you confront her now, she likely will deny everything. It will be easier for you to get an admission out of her and move forward with the reconciliation process if you have more proof. Place voice-activated recorders in the places she is likely to talk to the other man on the telephone when you are not araound. The car, the bedroom, and the bathroom are popular locations.

If you have the means, hire a private investigator.

Put a keylogger on the computer she uses.

Give it a week. You should have proof. Once you have proof, then you confront.

You also have to break up the affair. Either before or after confronting, expose the other man to his wife/girlfriend and to his family and close friends. This helps to end the affair because the people you expose to will put pressure on him.

If your wife does not agree to end the affair immediately upon being confronted, expose to your and her family and friends.

If your wife does agree to end the affair immediately, she will have to cut all contact of any kind with the other man and give you complete access to all communication devices and accounts. She will have to tell you the truth about the affair, how long it lasted, why it started, and any other details you want. If you don't feel you are getting the truth, you can ask her to take a polygraph. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man, stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for having risked losing her husband, her family, and her marriage, which mean more than anything in the world to her, and that if the other man ever attempts to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him.

You are the injured party, she should be apologizing to you and begging you to stay in the marriage, not the other way around. If your wife refuses to meet your

If she doesn't agree to your conditions, you file for divorce. Divorce is a long process and filing is sometimes necessary for the cheater to realize what they will be losing and return to the marriage.

All of this should be customized based on how your situation plays out.

Right now, you are only in the evidence-gathering phase, next will come confrontation and exposure.

In the meantime, try to project a confident happy image, do not let your wife know you suspect anything, do not be needy, whiny, etc.

As for the "you're controlling" line, tell your wife this:

I cannot control you, I can only control myself and what I am willing to accept in a marriage and what I am not willing to accept in a marriage, and how I react to your actions. I am not willing to accept your behavior of being in an adulterous affair with another man while you are married to me.
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Old 07-07-2012, 12:08 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

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I don't want to push her away by saying "fine, if you want him in your life, then I'll be out" because she says that it makes her not want to be with me (because it is controlling in her opinion.) But at the same time, we're already facing an up hill battle seeing how we are both young and relatively newlyweds with a small child and I feel like this is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
To be honest, that is the most sensible response. She has zero respect for you as her husband and completely disregards your feelings for a scumbag who now likes to mess with married women.

She's also manipulating you with the "controlling" nonsense. Marriage isn't a 50% endeavour. Both spouses have to put in equal effort and it will never work when your wife puts the feelings of her ex over you. What other alternative do you see if she refuses counselling? wait till he sleeps with her, abandons her again and sends her home to you?
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Old 07-07-2012, 12:09 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

Unless it's for the purpose of a child there should be NO exes in the picture ever.
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Old 07-07-2012, 12:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend

Don't let her disrespect you like that, either you man up and take a hard line or your marraige will either end or she will string you along while she cheats. You as the man need to set clear boundaries for both of you. It's not about being controling it's about protecting your relationship.
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Old 07-07-2012, 12:22 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Well, I just confronted my wife about everything and really laid down my ultimatimatum of him or me. She just said, " So my marriage restso nwhethr or not I can talk to someone on Facebook." to which I replied "This isn ot some random person we are talking about.." She just said, Well maybe it is already over...." and walked out of the room.
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