General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I guess you could say I was "checked out" for a while. I was spending more time at work, not rushing home. I would go to my Besst friends house and spend my free time with her, even spend the night alot cuz I wasn't ready to go home and face it.
When I was home, we would not talk. We were not having sex. We were basically roomates.
Not to sound to preachy, but when we started to go to church I found solace in God. I realized I took vows and made a prromise to DH and God that said, "good times and bad, sickness and health". These were def those times.
Anything worth having is worth fighting for. And trust me, we both fought like heck to save this marriage.
It's not easy, for me or him. We try everyday. Try to do something for each other. Even when were tired, something. It takes effort. If one of us slips and starts forgetting to make the effort, we call each other on it. Not a fight, DH recently said to me," your being alittle distant, you came home last night and didn't even kiss me?" That is a big thing for him, what he needs. I said last night when I got home, "you didn't make dinner? I just worked a 15 hour day and you a 7 hour and theres no dinner?" Thats what I need, if I put in twice as many hours at work than you, please at least get me a sandwich when I walk in the door.
When we were at our worst, he found this site. I was flirting online with a guy and Dh found out. NOTHING happened, just innocent flirting. (i know, no flirting should be called innocent) No one knew at that time I was seeing 2 differant doctors so I could get medication to kill myself. I had 180 pills so far stashed away and was in a deep depression. By flirting I had found a rush that i hadn't felt in a while because of the depression. I was on a stop smoking medication and after a few months kiling myself was all I thought about. All in the past now, I stpped this medication and have never had those thoughts again.
He was very upset, rightfully so, and stumbled upon TAM. HE read BestBlus thread in the long term sucess section. He sent me the link, and we started to do some of the things he was doing with his wife. "dramatic again", BestBlues's thread saved my marriage I think. I would read it if I was you. It's long, and some people don't beleave these thing work or that you can overcome such hurtles, but you can if both people want to make a effort.
Hi Xena
Thanks for your post and for sharing so much information. It definitely gives me hope. A lit of what you shared really resonates with me - especially the bit about depression. We are both very depressed and both on antidepressants. Time is definitely more enjoyable when we are apart. When we are together its very hard, awkward. Everything seems hard, conversation doesn't flow. I've got quite an associative mind which means there are memories in everything we do together and all the fights we have had about literally everything. I just wish I could lose the "feeling". I've taken inspiration from all the advice that has been shared and am going to try to put some into action. Today the MC suggested that I should take my wife's hand. I find it very hard to do this but there are things my wife has found hard and she has done them in recent months. The MC also suggested that we find three things to say to each other every evening that are encouraging so will try that too.
I need to try and lose the anger and resentment I feel. I also have found comfort in work which means I work long days and a lot of the weekend so I need to try that too.
I've had so many helpful posts and yours is a post that actually speaks from experience so thank you. I'll take a look at the post you suggested too.
How long was it until you and your husband started to see results? Did you have 'practical living with each other' issues too - like I talked about in my first post?
If you think it would help to investigate do so. You can go to the ADD Forums, there you can see how if affects couples and see what they deal with.
But your are putting to much on what it could be wrong. It's like your looking for that eureka moment. What ever it may be, you should be trying to fill each others needs now. This will allow you both to work as a couple again and not adversaries.
Your first focus should be on repairing the respect for each other and the love you once had. You have read Dr Harley's book..START THE PROGRAM TODAY...there you will find your eureka moment. like the advert says 'Just do it'.
Thanks Anchorwatch. I think you've summed it up. I've been looking for that Eureka Moment from the very early stages of our marriage. I've read more books on marriage than I care to think of. And maybe that's the problem. This forum is giving me the energy I need to just do it! Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Somebody out there. Help us. Please read this.
Good for you. We all came here solve our marriages problems or make them better. Stay learn and share. I like your MC's instructions too. It is time to take her hand.
Re: Somebody out there. Help us. Please read this.
I am glad me sharing helps. It's hard to talk about what I did wrong in my marriage, but I know other people are going through the same things and to know there is hope.
Every day living things, like bill paying, dishes, laundry....oh yeah we have those issues to. Used to be I did everything. Then I just stopped. Sick of him just taking the garbage out and he was done.
When I got promoted at work 8 monthes ago, we had to re-evaluate our home load chores. Now, I do them on my days off and he does them on days I work. We do our own laundry though, and have taught our son to do his own now. Also hired a lawn guy.
I still do a lot of the deep cleaning that I would never expect him to do, but once in awhile he I will come home to a super clean house with flowers on the table for me. That will deff get him extra points with me!!!
I know you havn't brought up intamacy with your wife, but i'm gonna guess it's been awhile too. We had gone months. Now we talked it over and make it a point to have date night with no kid atleast once a week. It was akward and sometimes we would sit in silence or just talk about work, kid exct... But after a few weeks, it got better to.
Holding hands is a great start, humans need touch. Even this small gesture and mean the world to a person.
Re: Somebody out there. Help us. Please read this.
Wow, that's lot information. I really think that you should do counsiling on your own, without her, to sort it all out. I'm not saying don't also go together, but going for yourself is the first step. The lack of sex can have a lot to do with it. I'd tackle that issue. Why are you both on anitdepresents? They can change your personality, do you really need them? Is it clinical or situational? Might want to rethink that. Please also read my post and offer advice.
Re: Somebody out there. Help us. Please read this.
Hi All
I just wanted to give everyone an update and also ask a question.
So we went on holiday or a week. It's actually the least stressed I've ever been before going away. We shared the responsibilities of the trip, and if anything, my wife probably did more. This was a first and deinately meant I was not overwhelmed and tired before getting on that plane which is the normal.
On holiday, unfortunately something urgent came in before we left which meant that I was having to do some hours of work everyday on holiday. My wife was good about this. We didn't have any arguments on the trip, but it was definitely a bit awkward. It's hard to talk when you don't know what your future is together. There was no physical intimacy. We went out or inner very night, then came back to the hotel, read a little then drifted into a sleep.
I definitely came back thinking we might have a glimmer of a chance if we carried on, on the path we are on.
Yesterday I got thrown a little though. I had a work meeting which is in the same office my wife works. I was early and saw her heading out with a guy that works in a team near where she sits. I knew straight away that they were going out to have a smoke. For some reason this has really upset me. Even when they came back, she went and got some mints from reception and I saw her put one in his trouser pocket as they headed back up.
This whole thing has really upset me. Not least because I found out only recently that she smokes. She did when we were at college many years ago. We even fought when we moved into our new house about these mysterious butts appearing that I used to clean up. I guess why I'm upset is because she's smoking at work and keeping it secret, it's kicked off my trust receptors again - a major factor in our relationship. The dark side to her that I have to find out about every once in a while. Also didnt realise she had such a relationship with this guy. But don't think it's anything to worry about.
The good news is I didn't come back home and approach her bout it and fight. I've just sat with it and thought I woud write to you guys about it.
It's these kind of things that destroy me and make me Rory we don't have a future together as the trust issue is too much.
Re: Somebody out there. Help us. Please read this.
When you say she put a mint in his pocket - I gotta say - wow redflag there ! It's one thing for her to stand outside and smoke with him - it's another thing for their personal space boundaries to including putting stuff in each others pant pockets.
I can say honestly there isn't any time in the decades I've worked with others that I have ever gotten close enough to any co-worker where I would feel comfortable either putting things in their pant pockets or them putting them in mine.
Also, while she has been a long term smoker , you should realize that women often use smoking as a method to pursue men that also smoke, I gives them an excuse to go spend time with the man talk and sharing feelings and because smoking is a vice and looked down by so many people, it gives her a chance to show she accepts him as he is. In fact it's not unheard of for women who never smoked before to take it up if their affair partner smokes.
Re: Somebody out there. Help us. Please read this.
Anchorwatch - good to hear from you. No haven't read the books yet as just thought I would spend some time not trying to find reasons, and just 'being' for a bit. So I just worked hard in our holiday on holding her hand and just not trying to get too deep. It was actually quite rewarding. I don't have trust issues when it comes to other men - I just don't know why I got so rattled about this. I spoke to her about it last night and she got very angry. She went to sleep and we haven't spoken the whole day today. Part of me now feels guilty for eevn bringing it up, but part of me thinks I should have. I had a right to ask. She said I made her feel cheep. I explained to her that I was so taken aback that I went and vomited. Was I wrong to ask? I tried my hardest to talk to her 24 hours later, to sit with the feeling, to explain to her how I felt (rather than blame).
The man in a coworker.
The trust issue is a big one for us because of our history.
Shaggy - this is why I felt weird about it. I'm the same I would not go over that boundary. This is why I felt so weird about it.
Re: Somebody out there. Help us. Please read this.
It seems to me your wife was too lazy. A marriage and everything that comes with is a partnership and you should not have been doing all the work.
It doesn't sound like a healthy marriage anymore. You said she has made a turnaround but you let this go on so long I am not sure you can ever let go of all that resentment. It does not sound like a healthy relationship for anyone.
If you haven't already done so try individual counseling as well. Cut down the hours if possible that is a killer on the nerves. I have been married for 12 years and am 41 years old. Everything we do, we do together. Best of luck!
Re: Somebody out there. Help us. Please read this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by worried12345
Anchorwatch - good to hear from you. No haven't read the books yet as just thought I would spend some time not trying to find reasons, and just 'being' for a bit. So I just worked hard in our holiday on holding her hand and just not trying to get too deep. It was actually quite rewarding. I don't have trust issues when it comes to other men - I just don't know why I got so rattled about this. I spoke to her about it last night and she got very angry. She went to sleep and we haven't spoken the whole day today. Part of me now feels guilty for eevn bringing it up, but part of me thinks I should have. I had a right to ask. She said I made her feel cheep. I explained to her that I was so taken aback that I went and vomited. Was I wrong to ask? I tried my hardest to talk to her 24 hours later, to sit with the feeling, to explain to her how I felt (rather than blame).
The man in a coworker.
The trust issue is a big one for us because of our history.
Shaggy - this is why I felt weird about it. I'm the same I would not go over that boundary. This is why I felt so weird about it.
worried, I do think you have more than a right to ask her about any interaction with other males. I hope by today that conversation has been solved. How you asked or why she reacted to your question like that, I wasn't there, so I can't say. You had a terrible reaction to what you saw and she did seem to be defensive. Both reactions are indications that things between you both are not good. This is not new news.
What makes me uneasy about this incident is that you marriage is on shaky ground. Both of you are not fulfilling each other's emotional needs and that makes you vulnerable to having others fill them for you. Not to say this may have happened, but if you don't start filling her needs, what is to stop her accepting them from someone else? If this happens she will not accept them from you, and that includes sexual fulfillment. How does she feel about missing intimacy? Does she voice commitment to recover the marriage? Have you been able to spend the 15 hours a week together?
I know I'm harping but as I and other posters said, you really need to read "HNHN', to understand what emotional needs are and how they play out in relationships. It's been almost a month since we recommended you read and enact the methods. If you had started by now, you would know if she could accept them from you and if she would join you on the path to recovering this marriage. It can be that simple. Read it, have her read, start today. Hope you continuing with MC also.
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