need help understanding

joh · 04-16-2009, 02:13 PM

I have had a terrible past with my wife. I used to drink too much and use drugs. There was also a time when I told my wife that I didn't want her touching me. This all happened right before I had a breakdown and was hospitalized. I ended up finding out that I was bi-polar and needed to be on meds. It took years to find the right meds, but I finally got there. Now I am trying to make up for the past and help things get better between the the wife and me.

Although I hurt my wife in many ways, the one thing she can't let go is when I told her not to touch me anymore. I can't blame her. It was a terrible thing to say. I don't know if it's the drugs or my age, but I have no desire for sex anymore, but I do miss just the loving touch of everyday life.

I have been talking to my wife in the last month and trying to get us to move forward. She says that I do this on a regular basis and I always screw things up in the end. Being bipolar, I'm not sure if she is right because I don't remember some things. I have tried to find a way, any way, that I can get us to move forward and make our relationship better.

Days ago, she asked that I not get upset when she asked me to do something. I told her that I was sorry that I was doing that and that I would work on it. Well, I think I did real good. I asked her to not "attack" me sometimes when she speaks to me. That did not work. I'm not mister wonderful. Just want you to know that I'm trying.

I have tried every way that I can to talk to her and let her know that I care and want us to get things straight and live happier. But nothing works. I love my wife dearly and I want us to live a good life. Can someone please say something? I don't care if you beat me up, anything that would shed some light would be appreciated.

sparkelee · 04-27-2009, 01:17 PM

It sounds as though your life together has been quite tumultuous.

Let me ask you this, have you considered counseling? Maybe entering into a neutral zone will help. It will give you both the opportunity to express how you feel and have an unbiased person give you an educated opinion.

Blanca · 04-27-2009, 01:23 PM

i understand that you are trying and i think its wonderful that you are. but most importantly you'll have to want her to be happy. dont try to force her into being in the relationship. let her know her happiness is the most important thing for her and let her make her own decisions.

that being said, my h and I have had a lot of help by doing Boundaries in Marriage book and workbook by Dr. Could and Townsend. Its taken us awhile because the book can start some fights in the beginning, but after a year or so of trying we're starting to get the hang of it.

there's also The Five Love Languages. it helps both of you realize how you feel loved, and be able to love yoru spouse in the language they recognize.

She'll have to learn to get over the past, if she can. but you cant force her. just accept what she's feeling and dont try to change her. just listen and empathize.