General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
she did say today she thinks sometimes I just use her for sex so I guess I need to show her I care for her and show her I appreciate her.
But she should have told you this before you moved in together. Once in a committed relationship (particularly living together), withholding sex without good reason is manipulative, IMO.
Provided you have the patience, you can try to wait her out. But given her explanation, the vast majority of the possible answers just loudly screams that there is a problem with her/you that does not really bode that well for you.
On the other hand, if you wait to enter into a married relationship with this woman, then the status quo would only be a sheer preview of all of the hell that you would find yourself richly entwined in.
Have the talk with her~ and if there is no discernible change in her attitude, and given that you're single with no kids, it would greatly be time to move on, to a woman who would love and respect you with her whole heart. You deserve so much better, my friend!
But she should have told you this before you moved in together. Once in a committed relationship (particularly living together), withholding sex without good reason is manipulative, IMO.
If she had problems with the speed of the relationship,then she could have said so before the house.
You have already committed to living together,and you signed a lease!
If I were you,I would tell her to take all the time she wants....
But, I will move on. [ Don't sit and wait.]
When she figures out her stuff,then she can call me,
If I'm still available.
Read all the threads on here from frustrated men and women who are dealing with partners who essentially stopped having sex with them after certain relationship milestones.
Do you want to be one of these people? Do you actually think things are going to get better?
She's just not that into you sexually. You're not in the same relationship with her that she's in with you. You need to "man up" in the sense of taking control of your life (not to be gender-specific, it's just an expression; I advise the same sort of attitude to the women who have this problem).
When you leave her - and you should - some people will tell you how shallow you are for leaving over "just" sex.
Be better than to listen to that kind of stuff. You're an adult. Sex is important to many healthy adults. Sex with you is not important to her.
The end.
Actually it is good to do after 4 months of sex that way you find out where you are in your relationship. Again I am old school who believes that relationships should be heading toward marriage. I know this is crazy talk in todays society where terms like hooking up are just "normal". I am one who believes that this is one of the reasons our country is in the state that it is as of now but this is a marriage forum and not a political forum so I will avoid that mine field as much as I can.
That makes absolutely no sense & is terrible advice.
If you're so concerned about making an emotional connection in a relationship, keep it in your pants & have sex afterward.
I think it's THAT mentality that is the reason why we have the issues we do.
To me it's like using birth control AFTER you get PG, completely worthless. Posted via Mobile Device
My initial feeling on this is not really consistent with most other comments.
You say she has mentioned a few times that she does not want sex to get routine & boring- 4 months of sex all the time can get to be overkill for some & maybe she simply wants to take a little break.
I do think a month is pretty long, but as a girl who's been there, she probably just wants to get back into it when she's craving it again.
Personally, if my H & I go hard for a few days in a row, I'm happy & so satisfied for a few days, then, I yearn for that deep connection once again.
I am not saying she wants a break from 'you,' just constant sex.
She may have been appeasing you by being overly sexual because she thought you liked it & she most likely did too- but maybe it got to be more than she could handle comfortably.
I don't necessarily think she's being deceptive or purposefully hurtful.
That particular frequency might just be too much for her, no biggie. Relationships are about communicating these things & adjusting so both people are happy.
How would you feel if sex was a bit less often, still okay & satisfied?
Make sure you have a cool conversation with her asking calmly why she wants time 'off.'
Find out her thoughts/feelings- it may be as simple as adjusting & being open to eachothers needs.
I would not worry too much, honestly! :-) Posted via Mobile Device
Are you that insecure in your self esteem that you have to have your woman throwing herself at you everyday to feel manly?
She made a guy work to be able to have relations with her.
Are you serious?? REALLY? NO ONE SHOULD MAKE ANYONE WORK FOR THE OPTION OF SEX!!!
The only work that should be done for sex is the 9-5 job to get home..
You don't open the well, just to get the village hooked on your water and then have them jump threw hoops for a drink...Thats not only mean, but its wrong.
[QUOTE=iheartlamps;891096I've been out of town for a week and last night she texted me that she thinks we should wait a month before we have sex again.[/quote]
IMO, she's cheating on you. Women enjoy sex just as much as men enjoy sex. Not wanting sex from you means she's getting it from someone else.
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If she doesn't understand the bonding that sex does in a relationship, I forsee many issues in your relationship going forward.
It's worth noting that using sex as a bargaining chip is a sign that someone is a psychopath. I don't mean like Ed Gein, but the textbook definition of a psychopath. A psychopath is a person who doesn't care about other people. If they can use sympathy and crying to weasel $20 out of you, then that's what they'll do. They don't care about how much that damages the other person.
On another note- I have asked my bf, now husband, if we could take a break at a few points in our marriage when I felt a need to re-charge..he totally understood.
Every situation is different, but I would not say I'm a psychopath for asking to chill for a bit. I was & am every bit in love with him & wanted/want him just the same.
Seriously, sometimes we women...and yes, even men, just need to re-charge. By no means does that make a person psycho!
OP, be careful not to go crazy worrying about it- get a good convo in with her & find out for yourself what's up. (: Posted via Mobile Device
I think you need to give her some respect here and not just jump to the conclusion that she is playing games or manipulating. She has said that she is concerned about sex becoming boring.
She’s told you the problem. IT’s becoming boring and monotonous to her. My guess is that the frequency is getting to her as well. It takes time for a woman’s body to build up the hormones needed to want sex.
I’ve been through this where I went through a time of very high frequency of sex and came to a point where I did not want it for a while… a few days. And yes it felt boring at that point. Given a few days to recharge and I was back to the wanting it daily.
If you think she’s manipulative… drop her. She does not need a man who thinks she is manipulative any more than you need a manipulative woman.
If you respect her and trust her than work with her. If you respect her request for no sex for a month, I’ll bet she does not last a month. The respect alone will be a turn on.
One thing that would really help the two of you at this stage of your relationship is to take this time out and do some relationship building things. Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Get the books, read them together and do the work they tell you to do. One of the books, “His Needs, Her Needs” has you both list your needs. This will give you both a chance to discuss your needs in the way of how often to have sex, etc.
Based on your comments, she regrets allowing the relationship to be based solely on lust & is now looking for that deeper connection that every union requires for longevity. Yes, sexual intimacy is an important basis to every relationship but cannot solely survive on it.
In all honesty she is out of step, especially to sign on the dotted line before determining a deeper connection level within this relationship. I personally would never have entered into an agreement before knowing my guy was fully committed...mind, body & soul.
I know you’re not in this relationship just for the sex otherwise you wouldn't have taken the time to come to this site, but you need to reassure her of this fact, I also do not think she is double dipping, probably insecure & needing to know exactly where you stand, try a little romancing without focusing on lust for a week or two, show her the other side of you.
If she then rejects you....move on, sexual intimacy is not a bargaining tool, I would only cut her the slack this one time but after you outwardly show your commitment to her by your actions & attempts of that deeper connection I would make this fact clear to her.
How many hours a week to you spend with her doing datelike things? Not just hanging around the apartment but doing things together that are fun (not sex)?
Based on your comments, she regrets allowing the relationship to be based solely on lust & is now looking for that deeper connection that every union requires for longevity.
So you're saying that she has demoted him from "boyfriend" to just "friend"
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I know you’re not in this relationship just for the sex otherwise you wouldn't have taken the time to come to this site, but you need to reassure her of this fact
Not being able to detect love is an indication that she has brain damage. It could be genetic, and your future kids might be emotionally dulled as well.
Frontal Lobe:
Patients with inferior frontal lobe damage produce less and less intense facial expression when presented with emotional stimuli, and they also have problems reading fear and disgust in other people. People with left inferior frontal lobe damage produced less facial expression and could not analyze emotional situations as well as those with right frontal lobe damage especially with fear and disgust.[n 9] The left inferior frontal gyrus (IFG) plays an important role in anger while the right IFG plays a larger role in disgust.[13]
Temporal Lobe
The right superior temporal gyrus was the most significantly activated area during the processing happiness.[13] The right superior temporal gyrus increasingly responds to an increasingly happy stimuli, while the left pulvinar increasingly responds to increasingly fearful stimuli.[n 10] The right pulvinar is activated during aversive conditioning.[n 5]
It's possible this brain damage is caused by living a normal life. Humans have unusually large brains and unusually small skulls to contain them, so the brain can crash into the skull with just a little bit of force. Damage to the temporal lobes is often caused by car crashes or falls. Damage to the frontal lobes can be caused by crashes and falls but also sports. Football players and boxers tend to have really messed up frontal lobes and it causes them to have behaviour problems. Fights start over nothing because they feel insulted when someone asks how their day was.
It's fairly easy to tell if someone has brain damage. Aside from unknowingly doing things that are hurtful or manipulative, they can have trouble understanding jokes, irony, and sarcasm. Each of these rely on emotional context. The literal and implied meaning of what is said might be polar opposites, and the only way to tell them apart is by detecting subtle non-verbal cues. Example: an Asian man says to his white friends "I can't tell if that's Jane. All white people look the same." A person with frontal lobe damage would feel very insulted after hearing that, but a person without brain damage might laugh.
This is the reason it's important you and your significant other have the same sense of humor.
Elegirl & Needpeace have excellent points...
Shawn D..I'm sorry, but are you actually trying to help?
In relationships, each person needs reassurance at times, no union is perfection, most people are aware of this.
That is not a symptom of brain damage. -.- Posted via Mobile Device
In relationships, each person needs reassurance at times, no union is perfection, most people are aware of this.
That is not a symptom of brain damage. -.-
I'm pretty sure most people don't need assurance of things. None of my girlfriend have ever given the "you don't love me" speech. They always knew that I loved them, even if I didn't say it. I've also never had to question how much my friends care about me. If they care about me, I know that they care about me. This is not some magic power I have. Most people have this ability.
Brain science often boils down to describing what a region does based on what changes when that region is damaged. If a person suffers an injury to X part of the brain and suddenly they can't do Y, then it would make sense that X region is responsible for Y. Our best research says that people with damage to the right frontal lobe have great difficulty understanding emotions and non-verbal cues. If you do something nice like fill up the gas in your wife's car, a normal wife will see that as an act of love. A person with frontal lobe damage just sees that as filling the gas; they'll still claim "you need to express your love more!"
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Re: Withholding sex 
