Dealing with disrespect in marriage
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:56 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Dealing with disrespect in marriage

We are a newly married couple, together for 4 and married for 1 year. Please don't judge me on my marriage choice, I love my husband and would like to be together with him; my love is not unconditional, but first I want to know that I've tried everything and that's why I'm asking for help here.

I have the feeling he's disrespecting me very subtly. I've had problems with my self-esteem and he's a true narcissist - he picks on people (me, his friends, everyone) but he does it soo subtly that many of them don't even notice.

He does that to me. He will occasionally drop something like "Look what I did and then look what you did", and at first I'm like "Ok, this is his usual boasting self, no biggie", but a day later my alarm rings "Why is he always disrespecting my efforts?!". The most offending thing he said to me (a few times) was "I did so much for you, I've practically created you, babe!"

The problem is when I tell him I feel disrespected, he tells me he's joking and that I get offended too easily due to my low self esteem. I somewhat am very afraid of being disrespected and I feel like a total fool if I don't stand up for myself. But he DOES tell it in a joking matter, never mean or anything, so I get confused by the situation and I react inadequately to it.

I've even tried to offend him in purpose, to see how he reacts, but he just brushes it off! I don't want a love-hate relationship where we just throw subtle insults at each other. Any advice on what I should do when I feel disrespected, even a little? Does ignoring what he says = no self respect?
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Old 07-08-2012, 02:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with disrespect in marriage

"I don't like it when you talk to me that way. Please stop."

We teach people how to treat us.
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Old 07-08-2012, 02:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with disrespect in marriage

Of all the people that he has in his life, he should not be pulling those kinds of mind-games with you and trying to brush it off as "just joking". He is choosing to belittle you and trying to get away with as much as he can, or as much as you allow him to.

If he is that much of a narcissist, then you are going to have to be reallly straightforward with him. I think that norajane hit it on the head. You may have to repeat it a few times, but then he may get the message. Also, don't make it about your low self-eteem, this is about dignity and respect which you deserve in your relationship, regardless of how harmless your husband might see his comments. They hurt you, that's all that matters.
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Old 07-08-2012, 02:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with disrespect in marriage

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Originally Posted by mosquito View Post
Any advice on what I should do when I feel disrespected, even a little? Does ignoring what he says = no self respect?
Ignoring what he says = no self respect IF you still feel disrespected, yes.

Ignoring what he says because he's being a fool and you don't feel picked at isn't a lack of self-respect. It's a solid recognition that he's who he is.

Whatever you think about his little "jokes" is going to influence how you feel. If you think his jokes reflect what he really believes, you'll feel more hurt than if you think his jokes are an attempt for him to appear clever.

If they make you feel bad, and this doesn't change, then yes, you're lacking self-respect AND teaching him that he doesn't have to respect you.
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Old 07-08-2012, 04:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with disrespect in marriage

Because you call it a joke doesn't make it ok. I told you it hurts so as of this moment if you do it again then you, by extension, are intentionally hurting me.

Don't do it again!
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Old 07-08-2012, 04:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with disrespect in marriage

I have went through this for 6-7 years of our 9 yr. marriage. I would tell him that it hurts my feelings, and would be told the "just kidding" spew.

It didn't keep him from doing it... until his "imperfections" were exposed.... then all of a sudden , a stranger ( IC) made him "get it"...

The apologies don't help anymore,, the pain never goes away after so long of it...

Yes , it's total disrespect.. see if he will go to counseling.
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Old 07-08-2012, 11:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with disrespect in marriage

This is one of the best analogies I have seen written:

"Narcissists are passive aggressive like a dog who licks your face while he pees on your leg."

He will never change unless you call him out & dedicate your life to coaching him like a pre-schooler, the hardest obstacle to overcome is for them to actually admit & recognize their disrespectful unjust behaviour, they are masters of denial & disguise, as you obviously know with your statement "he picks on people (me, his friends, everyone) but he does it soo subtly that many of them don't even notice", this is the passive behaviour.

Once & only when this occurs can you work through the quagmire of issue's, as there are many when dealing with this type of personality. This behaviour can make you "crazy" as they have a way of deflecting blame onto everyone else instead of actually addressing their own behaviour. You begin to question & adjust your behaviour to no avail, it doesn't matter what tactic you use, it won't change.....until he adjusts his way of thinking, which is more than difficult to achieve.

Take it from one who's in it!
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Old 07-08-2012, 11:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Mosquito,
Sometimes mirroring is fun - or direct humor.
Direct humor after the created you comment is: did you rest on the 7th day baby? Pointing out the God complex.

Or - next time out with friends. See how well he takes it in reverse:
"I was kind of his Gallileo - before me e thought he was center of the universe. But I've whittled him down to where he only thinks te moon revolves round him.

Get his FRIENDS to laugh - hard - he wont brush that off.


UOTE=mosquito;891602]We are a newly married couple, together for 4 and married for 1 year. Please don't judge me on my marriage choice, I love my husband and would like to be together with him; my love is not unconditional, but first I want to know that I've tried everything and that's why I'm asking for help here.

I have the feeling he's disrespecting me very subtly. I've had problems with my self-esteem and he's a true narcissist - he picks on people (me, his friends, everyone) but he does it soo subtly that many of them don't even notice.

He does that to me. He will occasionally drop something like "Look what I did and then look what you did", and at first I'm like "Ok, this is his usual boasting self, no biggie", but a day later my alarm rings "Why is he always disrespecting my efforts?!". The most offending thing he said to me (a few times) was "I did so much for you, I've practically created you, babe!"

The problem is when I tell him I feel disrespected, he tells me he's joking and that I get offended too easily due to my low self esteem. I somewhat am very afraid of being disrespected and I feel like a total fool if I don't stand up for myself. But he DOES tell it in a joking matter, never mean or anything, so I get confused by the situation and I react inadequately to it.

I've even tried to offend him in purpose, to see how he reacts, but he just brushes it off! I don't want a love-hate relationship where we just throw subtle insults at each other. Any advice on what I should do when I feel disrespected, even a little? Does ignoring what he says = no self respect?[/QUOTE]
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