General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello,
I have been married for 28 years. My husband says he loves me but refuses to show me any physical affection. I have told him how I feel and specifically what I need from him many times over the years. All I am asking for are little things like putting his arms around me, holding my hand, kissing my neck, stuff like that. He always says he'll change but it never happens. Also, the sex is almost non-existant. Its been going on for so long now im not sure what I feel for him anymore. I feel dead inside as a women and need some advice on what I can do.
First there is something much more deeper when a man literally doesn't want to touch you. The sex thing can happen, but to be physically deviod of simple touch.
He says he sometimes thinks about giving me affection but doesnt act on it. Him thinking about it doesnt do me any good. He has a hard time doing anything thats out of his comfort zone. He just tries to forget about problems and thinks they will go away. He calls me his companion - I think he might as well just have a dog
Why don't you tell him simply that you're lonely? And ask him if he loves you. I would opt for directness.....get some answers.
Life is too short to spend alone emotionally.
Has he always been like this?
My thought is that if you don't force the issue you could be writing in about the same thing a year or two or three from now. I'd spend less time worrying about his 'comfort level' and more about your own.
Sometimes it takes a shake-up to start the ball moving in the right direction.
What do you think?
I have told him that I am lonely many times. When I ask him if he loves me he says he does. I think he is just comfortable around me and hates any kind of change. I am tired of telling him how I feel over and over. Your right djl, if I dont force the issue nothing will change. Im just not sure how to do that.
however your husband and you got to where you are, your husband now is most likely, to put it plainly, in a rut.
based on my experiences, evenually, if you're not already, you will fall out of love with your husband and either stay in a loveless marriage or leave.
and again, based on what i have seen, habitual behaviour rarely changes without a powerful outside stimulus and unfortunately, in cases like yours, that stimulus is usually an affair of some sort, or a divorce.
i suspect your husband is not interested in counselling, but you might consider going alone so you might be offered more constructive ways to give your husband a 'wake up call' that is not destructive to the marriage.
you seem to have a very kind and loving spirit deserving of a full and rich relationship, and so i wish you well.
Your husband sounds just like mine! We have been married 18 years.
We did go to counselling and not until I told him I wanted a seperation. did he agree to go - the Counselling helped for a couple of months, but the show of affection felt awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. We are now heading back to the same old pattern of no affection except a kiss goodbye in the morning.
I agree with the other posts, habitual habits rarely change - not for long anyways from my experience. I am at the point that I do not feel the "want" for affection from him anymore.
I hope you have better luck than I have in this area.
I did read the book the five love languages, which made a lot of sense to me, but he is not interested in hearing about it.
I feel dead inside as a women and need some advice on what I can do.
I know how this feels. For awhile i felt asexual. i didnt even feel like a women anymore. it was awful. i guess i did the immature thing because i signed up for dating sites and even on adult friend finder. i wasnt interested in really meeting someone, but i wanted to feel like a sexy women again. I didnt hide it. I told my H not to be surprised when he gets the bill for the sites. I guess he took me seriously after that. but, it may not have been the best approach. then again, who knows.
That kind of husband is selfish! Hi is having problems with giving and showing affection.
Try to go with him for counseling. Give him some standards that YOU expect for him also! Don’t be afraid, you have a right to be happy!!!!
Married and lonely
