General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
@ Ano, I have mentioned it several times over the years. I started by being calm and trying to explain. Over time I have become more vocal. Recently she has gotten worse even after I tell her how I feel.
As far as trust, she says she trusts me completely, yet she clearly shows she doesn't. I have not given her reason, but her ex had by cheating on her. Am I to continue to suffer due to the sins of others?
It is not right for you to be punished for her exs mistakes.
Since you do point it out to her and she doesn't listen, maybe try a different tactic.
Next time she pulls this over the phone, don't giver her an answer. Firmly say that you are done being treated like a child and hang up the phone.
When she does it in person, tell her that it is never enough for her. You either aren't doing enough..or you get interrogated about every minute of your free time and you're tired of being treated this way. Pick up your keys before she has a chance to talk and walk out the front door and leave for a while.
I know that running away from your problems isn't the best. But since talking hasn't work. Its the only other option besides counseling or leaving her.
Stop her in her tracks. Shock her. Put your foot down and physically show her that she is driving you away.
Due to my snoring, and she being a light sleeper, we sleep in separate rooms. She also leaves for work about 90 minutes before I do, so she wakes me before leaving. My door opened and I heard the following:
"I just cleaned up that bureau a few days ago, but you wouldn't know it. Eric and I are having dinner tonight at six. You can join us, if you want. There's no way you can handle 3 yards of topsoil by yourself!" Kiss and out she went.
I was left shaking my head and wondering what did I do to deserve that. First of all, the bureau had some clothes on it... that she put there the day before. Secondly, Eric is her son. She was telling me I could join them for dinner... in our house, at our dinner table! Thirdly, I have a wheelbarrow and shovels, so I can regulate how much topsoil I move at any given time.
My day was off to a fantastic start before my feet even hit the floor.
Look in her eyes and tell her you are not a child and that you will no longer tolerate her treating you like one. Tell her you are a grown man and unless she can get some help for her controlling ways, you are out the door. Oh and BTW, if you tell her you're out the door if she doesn't stop/get help, and then you don't actually follow through, then she will likely just laugh, so in order for her to take you seriously you need to follow through on what you say.
I wish it were that easy CallaLily. When we get into it about this, I have nowhere to go. My brother is suffering from chronic depression and is generally either asleep or has his phone off. The only reliable method of contact is by email. All my friends from my younger days are no help. Most of them care more about drinking, smoking or snorting, so consequently my friends are through my wife. Cousins? Not when they're still living at home. What a useless bunch! My mother? Three hours away, although we do talk on the phone. Because I have nowhere to go, I ended up driving aimlessly for 75 miles last week after being given permission to go to my brother's. While driving I tried to call him and even stopped by his apartment, but as I said before, that was of no use when his head is buried in pillows. So I turned to the anonimity of the internet and this forum in particular. It actually got to the point the other day that I told her to go back to her controlling ways and just allow me to live miserably with her because I would rather do that than live any other way without her. So as Meatloaf says, I'm waiting for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive..........
Scr,
You cannot assert any rights in a marriage if you are ruled by fear. When you get somewhere and she calls,'let it roll to voice mail' and send her a short text - I am at my brothers, see you tonight.
But you need to have a short conversation where you ask questions and say very little:
- why do you call and ask when I am coming home when I visit friends?
When she denies it or minimizes it - says she doesn't do it that often
- since we disagree about what is said and how often, let's agree to use texting for one
month - I will text so you know where I am going - as a courtesy to you - and I will let you know what time I will be home by - if I get delayed I will tell you
- I will attend some friend/family events with you - but will not attend any where my invite is "you can come if you want to". If you want me to come, ask me "would you like to join us"?
You have zero chance of a healthy marriage if you are not willing to calmly, firmly assert yourself. And that means not allowing your wife to yell/scream abuse you during this transition. Just walk away and then don't speak to her until she can control her emotions.
UOTE=srcrr1;896130]How can I assert my independence, which happens to be something I value, when she calls me minutes after getting to my destination? If I don't answer, she was call over and over until I do answer where I will be greeted with, "Where the Hell have you been?", in an angry voice.
I need time away from my wife. She has no problem going out with family or friends for shopping and having herself a good ol' time, and I'm left feeling housebound and having to account for every minute. I told her I feel more like her son and not her equal. Yet the way she looks at things, it's either black or white, on or off, up or down, left or right. She can neither see nor understand life is not yes or no. Life is full of maybe.
She came right out and asked me if I want a divorce. I told her emphatically, "No!". Even though I have absolutely nothing to gain but my independence, and will lose everything else, I find myself reconsidering my response.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
Let me clue everyone into one fact I have had to endure for more than 20 years. She, like her mother take any critique.... even when done costructively, as a personal attack. I will rearrange the dishwasher to get maximum efficiency from the machine, yet she will think it's about how she loaded it. I have left it alone several times, then scraped the food left behind.
I am one to say I maintain the house, and she maintains the home. I do 90% of the cooking. I help with laundry, yardwork, vacuuming and everything else that goes into maintaining the home except for paying the bills. I have always felt it was a fair distribution of work, yet she finds reason to complain about me not helping with the bills. But I am helping by getting over 7 hours OT in my paycheck. But that doesn't seem to mean much.
You cannot improve the marriage unless you are willing to risk losing it.
Are you willing to risk that? If not, this will never improve at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by srcrr1
Let me clue everyone into one fact I have had to endure for more than 20 years. She, like her mother take any critique.... even when done costructively, as a personal attack. I will rearrange the dishwasher to get maximum efficiency from the machine, yet she will think it's about how she loaded it. I have left it alone several times, then scraped the food left behind.
I am one to say I maintain the house, and she maintains the home. I do 90% of the cooking. I help with laundry, yardwork, vacuuming and everything else that goes into maintaining the home except for paying the bills. I have always felt it was a fair distribution of work, yet she finds reason to complain about me not helping with the bills. But I am helping by getting over 7 hours OT in my paycheck. But that doesn't seem to mean much.
Everything that has been suggested to you, you have shot down with an EXCUSE, not a reason, an EXCUSE as to why you can't do it. Stop it! Look her in the eye and tell her to KNOCK IT OFF! You are NOT her child, TELL HER TO STOP TREATING you like one! And, at the same time, stop ACTING like her child. By sitting back and doing NOTHING about it, you are ALLOWING it to continue.
Talk to your brother. Don't give details. Just tell him there may be a point in the near future you may need a place to crash for a couple days, and ask if you could stay there. I'm sure he will figure out what it's about right away, without you giving details. I'm guessing he would be one who says "It's about damn time!" too!
Now, stop catering to her every whim and stand up to her mothering. Also, regarding the housebound bs...seriously? If YOU aren't allowed to go anywhere, then SHE isn't either! WTF????
Oh brother. This guy will not accept any advice at all. He just wants it fixed.
Now, let's be clear on one thing. OP, this is YOUR fault. YOU are allowing her to treat you like a child. She does it because you're not acting like a MAN. Time to grow a pair.
And I agree with MEM. If you're not willing to risk losing the relationship then she's in charge. She's holding all the cards and you just have to live with it.
Am I willing to risk everything? Yes I am, but with absolutely no place to go and not being able to afford living on my own while sharing my paycheck with my wife for joint expenses, my only solution is either to assert myself and get nowhere, or seclude myself in my bedroom.
While parked for a few minutes during my 75 mile drive I composed the following on my phone:
I have no friends
I have no wife.
I have two mothers,
What a wonderful life.
While that seems sad enough, the truly sad part is I has nobody to text it to. Not a single soul.
I'm reading your advise, and no.... I do not just want it fixed. She willl not understand. I walked out the other day. She threatened to take her dog and leave me with the other two. That's fine, but where would she go? Straight to her parents. Then their next step would be to confront me. I would get all the blame and she would get a "thyere, there". She sees NO MIDDLE GROUND PEOPLE!!!
Am I willing to risk everything? Yes I am, but with absolutely no place to go and not being able to afford living on my own while sharing my paycheck with my wife for joint expenses, my only solution is either to assert myself and get nowhere, or seclude myself in my bedroom.
While parked for a few minutes during my 75 mile drive I composed the following on my phone:
I have no friends
I have no wife.
I have two mothers,
What a wonderful life.
While that seems sad enough, the truly sad part is I has nobody to text it to. Not a single soul.
Yes you do... the woman you married. The woman who is supposed to be your wife, not your mother. So...get some friends. As others have suggested, GO to your brother's. GO somewhere. I would assume you had friends before you married? What happened to them? Did they drift away when they saw you wilting under her control? Because, really, that is waht this is...controlling. Now, get out, make friends, visit family...TURN THE RINGER OFF when with family. But most of all, STOP making excuses!
Living on your own means you stop sharing your paycheck with her. Children don't contribute to the finances. If she wants to have you as a child, then she needs to stop taking your money. Then use your paycheck to live on your own.
So far it hasn't sounded like you've taken any ACTION to change your status quo. Do something, anything , just DO. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm reading your advise, and no.... I do not just want it fixed. She willl not understand. I walked out the other day. She threatened to take her dog and leave me with the other two. That's fine, but where would she go? Straight to her parents. Then their next step would be to confront me. I would get all the blame and she would get a "thyere, there". She sees NO MIDDLE GROUND PEOPLE!!!
At this point why would you care what they said to her? Does it really matter? At the very least you would be free of this nonsense. When you're around her she makes you feel bad. Why continue that?
I have been trying for a week to get a hold of my brother. Here is the last thing I heard from him.
"I have been in bed since yesterday morning with a migraine. I can't help it if you call while I am sleeping.
I know that you are having a bad time right now but you aren;t the only one. I will call you when I am feeling better!"
That was exactly one week ago. No replies to my knocking, calling or emailing. I need to be able to talk to him and he has become like those who were my friends when I was single...... USELESS!
If my responses sound like excuses, please forgive me. I have been trying for years to have a normal marriage. I watch my temper. I do more around the house to help her, yet she is unable to learn, unwilling to learn, or both when it comes to maintaining the physical house such as changing an outlet, rebuilding the basement bathroom, installing a railing, ect.
I have explained more often than I care to count that I do not feel like an equal. Does it improve? Maybe for a few days.... but that's it.
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