notperfectanymore

Hey all, this is my first new thread here. I had been here a few months ago and thought we had it figured out..anyway...

Hubs and I just had our 18 year anniversary...we have had an amazing relationship, 100% honesty, hard work, etc. We have no children by choice. We both work full time crazy stressful jobs and split bills. We are both financially independent and live a very active life.. So here is the problem....

Two years ago some family members moved in and helped drive a wedge between us (communication & sex). They have been gone a year, but I still can't "get him back". He seems constantly annoyed with me, very opinionated and condescending. This isn't all the time, but the man I fell in love with only comes out sporadically...

I have had a problem with lack of affection (my #1 need). He had trouble with our sex life. I read, researched, realized how important that was, and have "given myself" to him many times since then...he no longer initiates, or deep kisses, rarely hugs me, seems to have lost his desire for me completely. I cannot just give myself to a man who no longer shows desire for me.

I am going thru some issues in my career and looking to make major changes (getting out of the corporate environment). I have and always will be financially independent, so that is a non issue.

When I discuss ANY of my issues/feeings/concerns/plans with him, I am told I'm too sensitive, I did XYZ (while I try to communicate my feelings), "how can you think that after 18 years?" (!?) BECAUSE ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

I mentioned that I might do some part time work for X, his response "You can't work for X!) I mentioned that I'm going to try to actually sell some of the awesome baked goods I make..his response..."just give her the recipe". Then this AM I am getting ready for work and let him know I'm going to make some major employoment changes. He states, I wish you would discuss it with me, but I know you wont. I am no longer comfortable sharing anything emotional with him. When I come home from work upset...I would give anything for him to just wrap his arms around me and tell me it will be OK...

We were on a camping trip with a group of people. I was basically ignored most of the trip, while the other couples cuddled, walked, talked. He was wrapped up with his buds...and tells me it is just me, I'm imagining it..that of course he still loves me....

I have printed a bunch of threads from this site and others about what is happening to us and how to fix it. He has outright refused to read or look at any of it. He claims we are good, no problems....I think the only way to get thru to him is to tell him I'm going to leave if stuff doesn't change....the problem is I'm not sure I can handle it if he says go ahead....

Financially we are stable and can survive just fine on our own...but I am still in love with that man that is in there somewhere.....

Any suggestions, similar situations anything would be helpful...I haven't discussed this with ANYONE, and I think my head will explode and my heart will snap in 1/2.

Acorn

Which family members moved in two years ago, and how did you guys come to the decision to let them move in? I ask only because it sounds like he built up quite a bit of resentment over that year.

I think for a lot of men, if their spouse or circumstances train them over an extended period of time to suppress their passion and such, it doesn't just reactivate a year later. He's learned this state is the new "normal".

Is there any way you guys can just sit down and talk, and focus on what he thinks? It's pretty obvious, despite what he's saying, that things are not good inside his head, and if you can give him safety to communicate, you might break down the walls and find what's really wrong?

A Bit Much

I think the question that needs to be asked is "Are you happy with our marriage." It's kind of difficult to lie about that one... especially with someone you've been with for 18 years. You both should be able to read the other like a book.

The dialogue has to start somewhere or you two will never get on the same page.

notperfectanymore

I had a nephew and his mom stay with us for financial reasons. It was HORRIBLE and turned out to be why I know so much about BPD....

I have tried talking to him about the resentment I KNOW he holds....he claims not to...I have recommended counseling, books, etc. Anytime we "discuss" anything it ain't pretty. "We arent' normal, we don't have kids or financial struggles, we are fine" I also have ALOT of resentment from this time, as I dealt with all the family drama while he hid in his workshop EVERY night...I tried to forgive and understand...and change the dynamic...now I just feel unwanted...I am truly afraid to bring it up again, because I can't take the round table discussion after about how it is all me...there isn't anything wrong....

A Bit Much

Have you come out and said this to him?

He should know how angry you are. Just come right out and say it... "look I know you don't seem to be bothered by all that happened here over the last year, but I'm extremely angry. I feel like you abandoned me and you don't get how much that hurts, even now."

"I'm considering a separation over this. It's that serious, it's come to that because you won't hear me."

notperfectanymore

Out of the context of current everyday life, yes. Within the confines of our home M-F, no. He hates his job, wants out, etc. I do too. I no longer take my stress home, but some days I do need to vent @ home. I feel judged, disapproved of, and belittled. He invalidates every single one of these feelings. He loves me, there is nothing wrong with us...it is him...I do ALL the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundering,etc. He does all the yardwork. I work 40 hours per week, he works 50-60 and has some intense hobbies that he never has time for. I can read him like a book, which is why I am out of my mind when he says he loves me but acts completely the opposite...

A Bit Much

Is it possible that he just is incapable of being emotionally supportive of you?

I may be in the minority on this thought, but as a woman when you're so independant it tends to work against you in relationships. You aren't seen as a vulnerable person who needs support after a time. A man may feel unwanted under those circumstances, because you got it all together... what do you need him for?

notperfectanymore

This is actually what has kept us together. When we met I was a college student part time and working full time. We have always been financially independent. He used to emotionally support me through anything including a major death in my family.

We talked about the resentment I built up, he said he was sorry. I understood that he dealt with it the best he new how and moved on....but that emotional distance has remained...

Acorn

I am not sure I am understanding this right...you more or less decided that another family could move in with you, it was a horrible experience (so much so that your H hid in his man cave every night to avoid the drama), and no one figured out the arrangement wasn't working?

Was your husband completely on board with this family living with you for that year?

I'm not asking these questions to blame... certainly he's got to open up at some point... but I'm guessing this is where the resentment is coming from.

notperfectanymore

I have to be vague here to protect my anonymity. I had a nephew die and leave behind a great nephew (light of my life) and a fiance. She struggled financially and asked if she could stay 6 months. Hubs and I agreed. The child needed us desperately...as his momma "wasn't the best". We were so ignorant....we had no idea. 1.5 years later I know too much about BPD, have learned a lot. Hubs took her size in many instances until he realized he was being manipulated....egg on both our faces, although the benefits to my nephew are immense..

I did go into "Mommy mode" while they were there as she is a horrible excuse for a parent....I was the stable figure that did homework every night with him, taught him how to bath regularly and brush his teeth properly, get on a normal sleep schedule, etc. I was enmeshed....throwing them out wasnt an option and she hated living with me so much we knew she was working on getting out....

This is why hubs hid in his mancave. I have laid my heart out and apologized, realizing I cannot fix them....Hubs and I have discussed this IN DETAIL many times...I apologized for neglecting him and he to me....but I can just feel his annoyance with me...no matter what I do or say...

A Bit Much

Maybe for him he's really over it, but he knows you aren't and is giving you space to deal with it on your own?

I'm grasping at straws here. I do think you need to work on your feelings, but maybe get into counseling yourself for it. If he's unwilling to discuss it further, what other choice do you have? You can't force him. If you think splitting up is the best option, then lay it all out to him, and give him a date when you'll be making your move.

Acorn

Very sad to hear that story.

To me, it sounds like the independence that was a strength before the family moved in is now the biggest thing working against you. Perhaps the strain was so great that you both defaulted to being independent of each other to feel emotionally safe?

You can see it in the way that he treated you at the camping trip, and the way you dictated to him about your career moves. You are both screaming with your actions that you do not need each other.

On top of all that, he's handling it poorly and when you say something like "I need affection" or "I need you to put your arms around me", he's hearing it as a demand. Why should he help you when you act so independent of him?, he's thinking.

I think even if it does not come naturally, you both need to realize that the other family has caused the relationship to strain and you need to become a bit more dependent on each other for a while to repair - check in on decisions, asking for time together, eliminating a lot of the stress, etc. Sadly, because you are trying to fix it, and he isn't here, it's going to fall on you to start.

anony2

Your husband wants his opinion to matter in decisions, whether it is about your quitting your job or manipulation by this relative.

This is not something that he needs to fix in him, if you are considerate to him, he will fall in line and give you back the respect that you deserve.

Henri

Notperfectanymore
I felt compassion reading your story, it came from your heart.

My initial feeling reading the chain of posts is that your husband isn't sure. He may be blaming you for having to continue in a job he hates? He sounds like he has moved on emotionally and yet he still wants to be with you habitually. Although there is no financial reason to do so, so I wonder why he hasn't got the drive, this leads to my second impression.

To me, and I am no expert, but his behaviour sounds almost traumatic, in which case his emotions are governing his behaviour and thoughts. It is like he has been beaten about emotionally and withdrawn or evasive through hobbies etc. Any attempt to talk or bring out his emotions results in an automatic withdraw and irritation (perhaps a form of defence by moving you emotionally away from asking him to consider his feeling and forcing you back into yourself).

notperfectanymore

His opinion does matter to me...but all my opinions, feelings, needs, etc. are either wrong or my fault...every time I discuss anything with him I get things thrown in my face. My defenses are up....if just once he could be understanding instead of judgemental....I fear backlash when talking about my career changes....he hates his job as much as I do, but is afraid of change...I am not as much afraid...and it has no financial ramifications on him anyway...soo.....