Has my husband lost interest ?
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Old 04-18-2009, 01:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Cool Has my husband lost interest ?

Hello

I have poted on here once before and got some helpful advise so fingers crossed you will all be able to help again...

so we have been married for 2 years and we have 2 girls aged 5 and 15months, lately my husband has seemed to have lot "attraction to me" and naturally this has hurt.

The reasons i say he has lost interest is because he never seems interested in just hanging out with me, for example there is a bigsports event on in our area as i type and i asked him weeks ago if he wanted to go and he said no!!! that was fine i didnt mind and i asked him several times to be sure and still "no i am not phased by it "was his reply, then last night one of his mates ask him and as a result he is there now and i was not even asked to go too, instead i have been home all day doing "house work" and looking after the girls, naturally i am a tadbit well a lot peeved...I am not mad he went with the boys as i get he has to have time out i am mad as i asked him several times and he always said no....

The other night i thought i would go take a shower early and dress up in a very sexy night dress i did my hair and make up and came and sat on the couch with him, he payed the most pathetic bit of attention to me for 2minutes and then went back to watching tv.... so that night we had a big fight as i was so offended that i had made an effort and he did nothing, i can go to bed completly naked and NOTHING happens.....

Now you may be thinking 2 kids ... overweight, husband does not find it attractive any moreand you would be right he doesnt but the fact is i am not overweight and i am in pretty good shape for aving 2 kids, obviously i have the normal changes but i have worked out.....so still get plenty of attention when i get dressed up and go out but not from the one person i actually want it from..

I am so upset with him for today and feel unattractive and his actions just back this up ... what do i do ??????
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Old 04-18-2009, 01:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

The first few years of marriage is the hardest, especially with children in the mix. Men start to feel unimportant. They even get jealous of the attention the children get. He may feel he gets your "left-overs" and is resentful. Can you make arrangements with a friend to watch each other's children once a week so you can make him feel special? She can do the same another night?
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Old 04-18-2009, 07:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

Is he possibly seeing another woman? Is something weighing heavily on his mind from work? Aside from those two obvious relationship killers, perhaps your marriage has just lost its spark. You might try reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. See if you can learn his love language and get the fire going again.
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Old 04-18-2009, 10:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

Keep trying and keep talking. I think Kathi is perhaps on target and if you let your resentment build up, the downhill path will just continue. Let him know that you want him and love him, make efforts periodically to initiate intimacy and talk (not necessarily at the same time). Try not to worry about how long it takes for him to come around, but if you don't see progress in a few weeks, get some professional help--a session or two with a therapist, individual or couples, will probably help a lot. You could start by saying, "I was hurt that you went to this event without me after I asked, but I realized maybe you are feeling left out because . . . " and take it from there. Try to be relaxed and at peace with the hurt b/4 you say it so it doesn't sound accusatory, shift quickly to what you want to do to bring the two of you closer, ask him what he needs, and don't dwell on any of it too long. Best of luck.
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Old 04-18-2009, 01:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

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Originally Posted by pinkprincess View Post
so that night we had a big fight as i was so offended that i had made an effort and he did nothing, i can go to bed completly naked and NOTHING happens.....
Ive been going through this for a couple of years. I used to fight with my H, too, and try to get dressed up and all that. but then i learned that i needed to protect my heart from getting hurt. So for a long time i stopped being naked around my H. One learns that if it hurts, you stop doing it. i started to notice whenever i got my feelings hurt by my H, and then Id stop doing that. he didnt see me naked for a long time unless he was already turned on. It was extremely difficult for me because i had a really high libido. its not as bad these days, but still i have moments where i feel particularly vulnerable (his fault/my fault is irrelevant) so i will go back to not letting him see me naked, etc. but we talk about it a lot and he knows why im doing it, so its not a punitive thing. its a way to help me heal, which in turn will help the relationship heal.
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Old 04-18-2009, 03:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

I know that he is not seeing another woman, and work has been a tad stress ful (not that he ever tells me about it he has his own business) I know that i probably need to get over it now but i just cant i am still hurt by himand evn made him sleep in spare roomlast night....
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Old 04-18-2009, 04:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

Pink I can understand why your feeling the way your feeling. Sometimes people have a very hard time believing they have really hurt their spouse so when you fight with him about it, automatic defense mechanisms kick in.

Have you tried in a very calm way to talk to him about how your feeling? Not making him the bad guy (even though I even think he is lol) Sometimes it is our approach that makes things worse. Making him sleep in a different room is making him feel he needs to defend himself even if he knows he might be in the wrong his defenses will come out.
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Old 04-19-2009, 04:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

hi unique bird... yeah i have tried to tell him how i feel and to be honest if we fight we usually text each other to discuss it as one of us usually him is at work.... i just feel at times like i amjust the cook, cleaner and person who looks after our girls ( dont get me wrong being a mum is great) but he just does not always understand that before kids and marriage i was and now still am a woman who wants some form of life with stuff i like to do, and to be treated like he used to would be nice and not like he is bored already....
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Old 04-19-2009, 05:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

One night my wife did this to me to cause a fire in our relationship.

Watch this vid, and take note of sexual advances done in subtle tones. If this doesn't work bigger issues.

Sometime gasoline is needed.

YouTube - Soraia Chaves smokes a big cigar in "Call Girl"
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:28 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

Whoa, I was dealing with this very issue. I know you are feeling unnatractive and I use to cry myself to sleep at night. There are plenty of reasons why he may not be interested. Stress, sickness, etc. The problem was tha he has a high leve of stress (he owns his own business) and he was feeling sick. I would rag on him when he was at work (bad move). Make an appointment wtiih hiim to talk this thing out, get the kids out of the house and continue this until you both get this thing resolved. He may not be able to have a hardon becuz of stress, you never know until you find out what is going on.

I finally got pissed off at him (not to say this is what you should do) but bottom line is that I had to toughen up and tell him what I was feeling. Lo and behold it worked. He took me on a trip and we spent time alone together.

Get him back into the bedroom because you care causing more problems in this situation.

Good luck, I hope I helped out a bit.
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Old 04-19-2009, 08:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Has my husband lost interest ?

my wife and I went through a similar issue at the same time in our marriage. I had a distraction (addiction to online porn) and it made her eventually feel unwanted. (understandably lol)..

she used to preach to me about her feelings, etc.. she used to make me sleep separately, she'd allow the resentment to build etc..

exactly like what you guys have going on.

In hindsight, I didn't do the right things.. neither did she..

What I'd offer is simply this..(and we've been married 7yrs. so far.. made it through THAT dilemma and have faced countless others HAHA)

leave a note in the shower in the morning for him that says "you can sleep in bed with me tonight"

then text him at work and ask him if he's gotta hard on ? out of the blue...

THEN at bedtime, roll over and don't do the "we need to talk" bit.. that always turns on my ignore machine HAHA...

the key is to lead from behind. an approach that I appreciate NOW and would have loved to konw THEN is something my wife shared with me..

she said "when we have sex, I don't always have to have an orgasm" MAN i felt relieved.. If your hubby is stressed out at work, he may also feel pressured to get you off, pay attention to you, MAKE LOVE to you etc.. and all he may be in the mood for cuz of his day is just getting his jollies and going to sleep.

Now this doesn't mean that it has to be this way all the time, I mean we are all human and have needs, however this may be a way to re-spark the fire that was once raging..

Or hop in the shower with him unexpectedly, orally please him and make a swift exit.

don't try to force the 'romantic evenings' on him.. guys like it to be their idea..

get some different body spray or perfume .. men love the smell of a sexy woman..

Just my .02

i hope this helps
mike
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