dontwanttoloseher

the wife and I have been together for 16 years (i am 46 she 42), and as much as I am still attracted to her and feel she is to me, we have very little trust for one another. We both are constantly snooping emails, phone records, text logs facebook etc... not to place bame but she 'caught me' a couple of years ago facebooking (chat log wasstill up, cause I thought no big deal) an old GF catching up on life, it specifically said, " getting married was the best thing I ever did, my wife saved my life. I couldn't be happier" she, my wife didn'tcare, she went off.

Right after that she got a job (multi million dollar small biz, all male workers but her at the time) that I wasn't comfortable with and said and did some things that made me wary of her possibly cheating physically and emotionally... using her snooping methods, found multiple phone calls and texts from her boss at work that she thought the world of deleted from her phone. She denied they were ever made, which of curse caused major rifts. Granted alot of that was my own insecurities..

Fast forward two years later, we seem to be getting along well, sex is great and the physical attration seems as strong as ever, yet the trust STILL isn't there... mostly on her part. Things she has said in the past: telling me my problem is i never wanted to make 'real' money never did never will... and "i am happy at this job you just don't wantto see me happy at my p/t $8. an hour job when she started) to denying it was ever said and the reason she kept the job was to not embarrass her g/f and husband who helped her get it. Granted she is now the office manager making 32 K a year... she hates one of her bosses or says so any way, but STILL deletes texts and calls from the other guy.... I recently also joined a gym, doing the 'bootcamps" on weekends... love it! Love the competition and making some friends, a female trainer 'friended me on Facebook... wife wants me to stop going..all of a sudden wanting to do family outings on Sat mornings instead of my bootcamp, b4 she never even got out of bed b4 9 am .... I am heading to counseling next week, she refuses to go, she don't have a problem, I do according to her. This isn't what I htought marriage was to be about.

I have posted a bunch of other stuff over the last 2.5 years as background stuff. I know alot of the crap was on me... but it seems now that i am bettering myself making new relationships she isn't liking it...


edit: oh yea almost forgot, the reason i came back is last night b4 bed I called her 'sis' short for 'sistar' as we occasionally talk gangsta smack when we play with the kids.... she stopped dead, 'Who DID YOU CALL ME?" i told her I said sis short for sistar? she started accusing me of bring up my ex cindy, and from ex i mean 1983-87 x... I usually try to explain myself out of any **** she accuses me of, but learned to be just like her and told her to just stop, don't even go there, conversation over, as she does to me when i bring up the bosses texts and calls deleted... as she always hasa gret reason.

JoyB

Hi dontwanttoloseher,

You sound like a fun guy going through a really frustrating and confusing time.

Sitting here, it sounds like your wife has some self-esteem/security troubles and is projecting them on you. I don't think her love for you is wavering but I think she fears competition and is trying to elevate or defend herself when she accuses or snaps at you.

What sort of things do you do together to validate your relationship? How do you show her (rather than tell her) how you feel? Is there something special you to share that only you two know about that brings up a wonderful memory? Perhaps sharing some of those times or setting aside some special time every day/week where you can cherish each other will help her see how much you love her and only her.

Insecurities are hard to deal with - especially if not openly communicated.

I'll be thinking about you as you move forward this week!

Chelle D

omgosh.. this is just about what I would have said.

She seems insecure in your getting new activities & friends without her. The going bootcamping early on Sats.. .could equal in her mind to a sort of cheating. You getting into something that does not involve her. Her suddenly wanting to do family stuff Sat morning , she is trying to see if she, or the family is still more important to you than this new hobby.

Reasure her in other ways that she is still the light of your life. Tell her you're doing the bootcamp thing this Sat AM, but you'd be happy to have the family go hiking, fishing, bowling.. etc.. later in the afternoon. Or do have a regular family night out thing. Try to reconnect with her on some other level than just the sex in the bedroom.
If it is her being insecure about your other activities, then she will need to feel connected to you emotionally on another level. For every new activity/hobby you do.. do something special with or for her as well.

dontwanttoloseher

thanks for the input JoyB and Chelle, I understand where you two are coming from, as I have plenty of my own insecurities/self esteem issues and hope the working out/college and talking to the guy next week helps. But what about the deleted calls and the saying one thing then denying it was ever said garbage, and the insults to me and compliments to the bosses when she first started, protecting them if I said anything bad etc.?

That does nothing but fuel my anxieties, as you know I have or probably guessed I mean, as this is all i think about when I am feeling good and right, those thoughts flood back and wouldn't it be better to be completely honest and if an argument happens it happens? My wife knows I don't forget much and also knows I can't stay mad. If what she is doing is trying to avoid an argument by hiding/deleting some goofy texts wouldn't it be better to just stop the texting or be completely honest? or are the texts something more?

I know I love her, I know I see her as being more beatiful now then ever, I know I don't want to lose her, I also know I need to be more trusting and open to her having male friends as she always has had and I am getting used to her working elsewhere (We pretty much always worked together)... but I need that trust returned, I need her to be honest with me otherwise I can't help but feel like she is playing me,

EDIT: Forgot to mention the reason I am going to talk to a pyschologist is I need to get over being in control of all situations and my anxiety. I think once I can come to terms that some of this is on me, learn to trust completely again, and also learn to like myself a bit more, things between us will get better. One of my biggest fears l have not marriage related is speaking in public, thinking seriously of doing the Toastmasters thing also

Goldmember357

No

its not a consummate love

look up triangular theory of love. Its yes just a theory but i believe that to be true. A "true love" would have passion, intimacy, commitment and if you had all of that you would not be where you are now.

best of luck

Paulination

Why don't you both just ditch the stupid facebook. Facebook is notorious for harboring insecurities because it is a streamlined threat straight into your bedroom that you or her are defenseless to avoid.

Scumbag a$$holes out there look at FB as a hunting ground for EA and PA's. Some guy tried that with my wife. At first it was all soccer stuff until his birthday rolls around and wants to know what she'll "give him". Lets just say he wasn't satisfied with a "happy birthday". She shot him down quick and harsh. Made me proud but it still drove me nuts knowing that theses predator a$$holes are out there trying to get to her while she is sitting next to me in bed.

When she goes on now she "hides" that she is there so no one knows she's online. As for me, I don't even have one. Not worth the hassle.

fullhour

Get off of facebook. Its a hook up site disguised as "networking". Secondly made amends, You both have been doing things to hurt the other and it's time for a fresh start. Once you both really know how invested the other is I think you will be fine. If she does not want to make the effort on the other hand...maybe it's time to go.