General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Remember to be respectful towards other members of the forum. Please don't attack OP's wife by calling her names. Review forum guidelines for more information.
1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.
Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.
Please consider this a warning and future posters will be banned for not following guidelines.
She sounds pretty entitled. From personal experience, understand that you will never be able to "out give" her. If you had a $5m house and bought her a $250k ring it would still not be enough.
Stop looking to "make" her happy and start enjoying your own life. Your wife will either jump on board or her mind will wander to the "other side of the fence." Basically want you have to answer is, if the $500k difference in your home price is the difference between your wife resenting you or not, do you really want to be married to her forever?
May want to check out CoDA (codependents anonymous). Because you sound as if you're putting your wife's needs ahead of yours to your detriment. Also, you're trying to be the source of her happiness instead of letting her find it on her own.
I can try to help you clear your head, but that same sense of instinct that ultimately landed you into your current successful career is probably already telling you that her level of expectation isn't matching up to the sweat you put into providing for her life of luxury.
I say this with all due respect, because I see similar situations all day within my peers at work. In fact, part of my reason for stopping periodically during the day to decompress and reply to a post or two is because my own drive to do my duty for my family was beginning to tear me apart inside ... and my wife is incredible in the way she appreciates my drive to succeed, while being great at her career and being a mother.
Inherently, your wife should understand that your drive to do more for her comes out of your love for her, and the way it enriches your life. If you just do these things to appease her, or to win her over, is it really a healthy marriage? I think that you have to start distinguishing between needs and luxury. What do you need to provide for your child? What does your wife need to do to raise a healthy child, versus what makes her life nothing more than a life of luxury.
I think that a step towards changing this dynamic, and helping her to see that you are serious, is to focus on the future and the uncertainty of the business world. We make sacrifices to save because there are factors in the business world that can take a successful career away in a heartbeat. Can you survive without working for six months? 12 months? Are you on track for saving for the children's college at a good school? How about retirement? I think that if you are honest with her about your doubts about her love and acceptance, and tell her what your standards are, she can either begin to adapt or tell you how she really feels. You don't have to change the marriage in one discussion. Put a plan together. Start building your new personal boundaries in what you consider to be a healthy, mutually fulfilling marriage.
She doesnt mean well.
You are spoiling your wife, and she is a brat.
The answer to this is to hold her accountable to being a decent person. Guess what? She won't divorce you over it... she wants someone to hold her accountable to being a decent person.
Do you have a family plan in place? A common goal that you are both working towards? You know....the one you had together when you first started your business and you both could see the fruits of your labor? Perhaps one where you state that priorities need to lie in the direction of setting up your family to never have to worry about money again? First, save for the kids college, then pay off the current house, then have 500k in the bank as a security blanket? Plus another 500k in rsp equity for retirement?
I get that some women like material items. Even as their love language. Each to their own. But you as a business owner know particularly well that these items do not come free, and take a lot of time and personal investment to make happen....time YOU are investing. Not her.
Sure, she can have her ring. But maybe you need to drive in the captains chair and tell her she has to wait. Explain to her that you can take that 50k and turn it into 150k, and THEN she can have that ring, plus a brand new BMW M5 convertible too! But only after your future is secured and your family plan is in order.
Be the leader again, instead of the appeaser. I believe she made that statement to you that she adored that in you when you first met? One of your attraction points to her when you first met? Be that man again. Stand up and take charge. I think, in my opinion, this is what the root of the problem is. I know she said she was impressionable, but to me that judgement is clouded in her self justification of why she may be feeling this way. She must not have been so impressionable that she was forced to marry you.
So...go to marriedmansexlife and read those articles. Get your "man" back and start being captain of your ship. At the very least, you will be better because of it, at least emotionally. Posted via Mobile Device
While your wife does come across as shallow and materialistic, I have to wonder where you fit into this scheme of things. After all, you married her.
Would you really prefer someone who valued your time together over money, who wanted you home more and involved more, and would you be willing also to "have less stuff," so to speak, to enjoy that time together with her and your child?
Too often, men seem to want to put all of the pressure for earning big money on to the "expectations" of their wives--or onto the need to "provide" for her. But in reality, they too want a lot of "stuff" as a symbol of their success, and the drive to work a lot comes from that more than anything else. I'm not judging that, just pointing it out.
When a materialistic man has a wife who doesn't really care as much about that stuff, she becomes disenchanted b/c there isn't enough time for the two of them to be together. When a materialistic woman marries a guy who appreciates people instead of things, she becomes disenchanted as well. Obviously, the men who are mismatched are going to have their own forms of disenchantment, too.
Ask your wife if she wants you to work more/harder to get more stuff, or would she be happier if you earned less but were around more. Her answer should tell you a lot. Now ask yourself the same questions. Are you mismatched in this regard?
If so, the answer is compromise--and it will be tough, b/c she does seem to have a sense of entitlement and may find compromise to be very difficult. Difficult does not mean impossible--but it will mean work, and some counseling to find the balance that works for both of you may be in order.
And earning $300K does not put you in the top 70%, it puts you closer to the top 10%. Did she expect you to be a mulit-millionaire by age 32? If so, she might have had pretty unrealistic expectations. Where did those come from--her family history? Your youthful and optimistic promises? I guess it does not really matter; unrealisitic either way.
Everyone has expectations and everyone has a right to their own expectations. I think it's disrespectful to criticize someone because their expectation differ from ours (within limits).
However, (very) few of us get all our expectations met in marriage. Understanding and dealing with this is an important skill learned in marriage and is one of the reason's people are not really considered "grown up" until they get married.
The op is under no legal or ethical obligation to meet all his wife's expectations and especially not to kill himself or make himself miserable or sad or depressed over them. Many of us scale back our expectations to avoid disappointment. Out of empathy, I share (some) of my wife's disappointment over her unmet expectations but I don't let it ruin my life. I am much more disappointed over my own unmet expectations but I try keep it in perspective as much as I can
While your wife does come across as shallow and materialistic, I have to wonder where you fit into this scheme of things. After all, you married her.
Would you really prefer someone who valued your time together over money, who wanted you home more and involved more, and would you be willing also to "have less stuff," so to speak, to enjoy that time together with her and your child?
Too often, men seem to want to put all of the pressure for earning big money on to the "expectations" of their wives--or onto the need to "provide" for her. But in reality, they too want a lot of "stuff" as a symbol of their success, and the drive to work a lot comes from that more than anything else. I'm not judging that, just pointing it out.
When a materialistic man has a wife who doesn't really care as much about that stuff, she becomes disenchanted b/c there isn't enough time for the two of them to be together. When a materialistic woman marries a guy who appreciates people instead of things, she becomes disenchanted as well. Obviously, the men who are mismatched are going to have their own forms of disenchantment, too.
Ask your wife if she wants you to work more/harder to get more stuff, or would she be happier if you earned less but were around more. Her answer should tell you a lot. Now ask yourself the same questions. Are you mismatched in this regard?
If so, the answer is compromise--and it will be tough, b/c she does seem to have a sense of entitlement and may find compromise to be very difficult. Difficult does not mean impossible--but it will mean work, and some counseling to find the balance that works for both of you may be in order.
And earning $300K does not put you in the top 70%, it puts you closer to the top 10%. Did she expect you to be a mulit-millionaire by age 32? If so, she might have had pretty unrealistic expectations. Where did those come from--her family history? Your youthful and optimistic promises? I guess it does not really matter; unrealisitic either way.
I would be worried your wife is going to divorce you and take half of everything you've earned. I would start thinking about that. All your hard work for her to take half and then go find another guy who can give her what she wants. Otherwise, she will spend you into bankruptcy.
I feel sad for you and her.
Maybe suggest she get a job. But I'm sure that will make it worse. I dont see this ending well. Posted via Mobile Device
There may actually be more peace of mind being dirt poor long as you have a roof food and heat.
you should tell her you lost everything and move her into a ghetto apartment and see what she does.
I call troll. You don't write like someone in your income bracket so I'm doubting your sincerity. It's been my experience that a man of your means understands very well how materialism drives certain types of women. Many of them accept that they bought their wives with their lifestyle. These men are much more confident then you come off here and normally wouldn't care much if their wife complained a little about their finances or a stupid ring. It doesn't add up. If you met your wife before you started making money she woundn't have this attitude. If you had the money before you met your wife then it most likely came from your family and you would already know how to spot an unfeeling gold digger. This smells like an experiment.
You will never be able to earn enough to satisfy her. Looks like she settled for someone that she thought would sustain her lifestyle. Words that went through my mind when reading your first post --Ungrateful, selfish, materialistic, plastic, fake, entitled. I'll keep the rest to myself.
Her reaction is p!ssing me off. She just set you up for failure. Does she even work?
There are people out there happy that they could feed themselves 2 times a day. Or grateful that they can can get clean water to drink and have roof over their head.
Unless she has a revelation, she will be disappointed in you for the rest of your life.
whoa.. did your wife ever work? it sounds like she doesnt appreciate the value of the dollar. maybe because she's always been spoiled and never had to work.
you paint the picture that she tends to this kid in her million dollar mansion and complains all day that her mansion isnt big enough. i think if you're doing the very best that you can.. then it's up to her to change the financial situation if she wants it changed.
i dont see the point of the whole nanny thing.. what the hell is she gonna do if she doesnt even have that kid to tend to? eat bon bons and watch dr phil? ... and complain even more???
i'm sorry, but i think your wife needs to come back down to reality. she doesnt deserve anything you're providing for her.. take the funds you're wasting on jewelry that's not good enough for her and invest it for your son... or for yourself. she's ungrateful, and i cant see it getting any better until someone smacks her with a nice dose of reality.
I think you have way too much house for your income.
You should try to downsize.
You're leveraged way too much just on earned income.
You don't say how much you have coming in from investments.
Your ratios are a lot worse than mine, and I have a fraction of the income you do, but way more free time and nobody's needs to keep up with other than my own and my kids, which I manage well via discussion...
28Likes
Re: Money is evil 
