07-12-2012, 11:48 AM
Join Date: Jul 2012
| | First time poster :)
Lately my husband and I are just not getting along. We have had our many ups and downs throughout our 15 years together.
My first issue is that he sleeps in the living room. No matter how many times I tell him that I want him to sleep in our bed, in our room, he says he cannot. One of the reasons is because I have night issues, in terms of nightmares and getting out of bed and having complete freak-outs. I understand that this could be difficult to deal with, but it is not going on every single night. I go through cycles where it happens more, and then it dies down for a while. The other reasons is that he has anxiety about safety in our home. He likes to sleep in the living room so he can hear everything going on in the house. We do have an alarm system which I have suggested (HELLO??) using at night to help him feel easier about his anxieties.
Secondly, he has social anxiety. He doesn't like to do anything with anyone except us (me and his children) or sometimes his own family on holidays, etc. I would love to have some friends that we spend time with, as a family, but he has no interest. For instance, I pressed the issue of us doing something with my good friend and her husband and their children for the 4th of July. It took some cajoling on my part, but he finally agreed. On the day it happened, they changed the meeting time by 15 minutes and he got so angry. He said they were disrespectful and called them a**holes. We ended up getting in a huge fight that lasted the rest of the evening. I refused to let it ruin my night, and my kids still had fun, but I felt that he was looking for a reason to make the outing not work. When I was growing up, my parents had friends, we had a family that we visited often, there were always gatherings and such. I look at the present and to the future and feel so defeated. I won't have a normal life where you have friends over - - hell, I can't even get us to make new friends! A few months ago, we met a couple that lives only a few blocks from us and they have a child in between our kids' ages, they are our age, seemed like people we could be friends with. I asked him, 'Hey, do you want to try to be friends with them?' He said, 'You can. I don't need friends.' He has told me, time and again, he is a simple person who doesn't need anyone in his life except his wife and children, and occasionally his parents. He says it doesn't affect us, but it does!!! I feel so lonely. I do have play-dates during the week when he is at work, but it is not the same as having a BBQ with friends on the weekend with your whole family.
He makes fun of everything. He thinks a lot of things and people in the world are stupid. If I check out books at the library that he thinks are "conventional" he makes fun of me. Sometimes I don't check certain things out because I just don't want to hear it. Last night I told him to stop making fun of the books I check out because it hurts my feelings and he acted all put out about it, like I was being silly. I often feel like I have to just hide things like that because I will have to explain it or hear some commentary about how lame it is. I made an account on Yelp so I could do reviews, and he found it and asked me "Why did you do that?"
I took an online writing course a few months back and he was not supportive, discouraging even. He said it would be really lame and people would take themselves too seriously.
Whenever I go anywhere, by myself or with one or more of the kids, he tells me to hurry back. A lot of times when I want to run out somewhere to the store or whatever, he tries to talk me out of it. I feel like he would prefer I weren't ever alone. He has never come out and said that, it is just a feeling I get.
I don't feel like I am my own person, I feel like I am held back. I have been with him for so long, since I was so young, that we have developed an unhealthy relationship. The patterns have run for so long that I don't know how to change them.