rseaiorta

OK. I am Really BAD with expressing myself verbally. SO for the sake of making myself understood I am going to do some quoting some one else that said the exact things I am feeling too. But first let me say, I have tried Everything I Know. Counseling, talking, sharing my feeling, changing myself to better please my husband. We have fought until our faces were both 'blue'. I have even packed up several times to leave. We have been married 8 years. 3 kids ages 7 and 2 and 1. I am 29, and he is about to be 40.

It seems that every bit of the marriage advice I find doesn't apply to us. The fact is, I really don't like WHO he is. Does that make sense? I know he won't change who is he is, and I have tried to change who I am for him.

Here are some of our issues, please forgive me if this seems all over the place I am feeling A Lot over whelmed here.
When we argue he just gets louder and LOUDER. He MUST win the argument and the most important thing is that His feeling are known. I have tried hearing him out and then- even after asking him if he is done and may I now share- sharing my thoughts/feelings. But almost as soon as I start he interrupts, loudly, to tell me why i am wrong and how my feeling are wrong, don't make sense are stupid, foolish or even that I am lying! I am a stay at home mom, he has All the money, the credit cards, the car, and has Very Subtly suggested that if I want to leave he would probably get the kids. He may be right, because, I have no job, and he refuses to support me in my desire to get one, I have no car or license, I have No money right now. I resent him for how much I have to lean on him.
(If I left though, I do have one lead. Our daughter, the 7 year old is high functioning autistic. she gets a check every month that would at least help us if push comes to shove, it is in my name not his so that would help.)
He is a perfectionist, everything Must be in it's Exact Place and sp. And it has gotten worse over the last few years. It is gotten to where, I will Clean the whole house every day, but if he comes home and there is one crumb on the floor or a spot, He will Freak and start complaining about how sloppy I am and how bad I am at cleaning and than start scrubbing every counter, sweeping mopping and even redoing all the clean dishes. He does this very loudly, even though I beg him to Please be quiet for the baby's sake, to which he replies that I should have cleaned it right the first time than. And every time he wakes her up and than refuses to hold her or help put her back to sleep.
He keeps an office that he keeps locked at all times, we are not allowed in there because he doesn't want us touching his things and messing his stuff up.
We have not been on a date for over a year, which was only a 45 minute dinner down the street from our house. A Real date? At least 3 years. He does not ever want to go anywhere, not even the park down the street, even though he complains about his weight constantly and blames me for feeding him wrong. And he Knows that the kids and I are cooped up in the house all week because it is so hard just to go outside and play in our front yard, we have a history of bad drivers and stray dogs in our neighborhood.
Nothing I ever do is right, even his own friends have pointed that out to him. And on the VERY Rare occasion when I do something 'Right' that he can not deny, he Literally gets a pained expression on his face and all I get is a sarcastic' Ok, mom got one right' That is it. No support, no 'hey awesome job' Nothing.
I am afraid to talk to him about anything because I know it will escalate into a fight often with us yelling around the kids. And they get so upset, my seven year old starts yelling, which just makes us all more frustrated. My 2 year old gets a frightened look and starts crying and my 1 year old gets real quiet and looks terrified and then starts cling to me. So basically I just stay quiet most of the time for the sake of our kids. But then I am letting him treat me like a rag and he thinks that it is OK. I can't win, I can't fight back. And I can't leave. What do I do?
** Ok, also, I want to say that I know that all of our problems are not just on his side too. I do have my issues too, but I have gone over and over them and It is just no excuse for his treatment. Here are My issues, so you can See both sides: I am a little - and I do mean a little- disorganized sometimes- I have three kids!- Like, when I bring in the mail, instead of putting it in his hand or setting it under his office door I put it on the breakfast bar counter top. I don't have a key hook because my daughter broke it so I put my keys on the bar too. As well as my glasses when I am not wearing them. TO him that is Very disorganized.
I have a bad memory and have to keep lists and a date book to help. He says I talk Way too loud and I embarrass him because I should speak like a lady, quietly. And I am So shy so I have a hard time making friends, this can come off to some people as snotty and he does not like introducing me to people. I have a quick temper but i also forgive quickly and my anger is quick to die. Being angry just takes too much effort. =/
And then of course as I said, I have a Really hard time expressing myself verbally. This makes it So much harder for us to communicate anyway and II feel like we communicate So differently. Like he is on FM and I am on AM. and we just can't get in sync. I am have Real thoughts about quitting. I would have if it was not for our kids probably. And I DO love him, I am not sure he feels the same way. But I don't want to leave I just don't think I want to stay either! I need help, advice! I feel Lost.

*Note: Remember I said I don't have money right now? Well recently I was contacted by a lawyer. I t is a long story but basically it boils down to this: My great aunt left money to my dad but he passed away some time ago so now that money is being left to me and my two siblings I have no idea how much it is, i have not asked. But ever since we found out, he has changed somehow. Like he is trying to be nice to me. And he talks about the money a lot. I know I am very curious too so that is understandable, but I just don't know what to think about this. I can;t put my finger on it but i can't help wondering if I should be worried about what he is thinking and how he seems to be acting a little differently now?

River1977

There are 3 things you stated that I don't understand.

1."SO for the sake of making myself understood I am going to do some quoting some one else that said the exact things I am feeling too."

Are these your words or not? If not, then what is your own story and who are you quoting because I don't see any quotations marks and couldn't understand someone else's story being the exact same as your, autistic daughter and all.

2. "It seems that every bit of the marriage advice I find doesn't apply to us."

I don't know where you have been looking or who you've been talking to because this story is very typical of an abusive marriage.

3. "I have no job, and he refuses to support me in my desire to get one"

Why do you need his support to get a job? Stop acting like his child and begin working to gain independence. You don't need his permission or approval to live your life however you please. You don't need his permission to get a job, to leave him, or to get a divorce. Stop letting him scare you.

Your husband is abusing and controlling you in almost every way possible - verbally, emotionally, financially, and mentally. Look at this Wheel of Abuse and see for yourself how many different ways your husband is abusing you. You also google "abuse" and learn a lot about what you are going through.

You are not helping by depending on him for everything. There is no excuse for a 29 year old woman not to have her driver's license. You need that (or a state ID) to get a job, a place to live, and anything else. However, it is common for abused women to so be dependent and allow their abusive husband/boyfriend to control them. He uses mind games and calls you names to make you think you are stupid, unworthy, and incapable. Stop believing him. These are only his tactics to make you continue to be dependent on him and to make you think you cannot make it on your own without him. He does this to keep you around so he can keep on abusing you.

You will have to decide for yourself to end this and leave. Leaving is the only way to put a stop to it. So, your choices are to stay and continue being abused and controlled or begin to plan your exit strategy.

Also, he cannot touch your inheritance money unless you allow him. He knows that. That is the reason he is being nice all of a sudden. It's just so you fall for his antics as usual and trust him enough to let him get his hands on your money. Be smart enough and strong enough to keep his hands away from that money. He already uses money to control you. This money you are expecting could be a good amount to at least get you away from him and tide you over until you find a job. He knows that too, and he's trying to make you think he loves you and make you think he can change and be nice. This will just last long enough to prevent you from using that money to leave him. If you leave, he cannot control and abuse you anymore. He is trying to prevent that and trying to get your money. Don't fall for this. It is very common and very typical of abusers. Don't let him make you believe he loves you. I know it feels good when he is nice to you and whispering sweet nothings and telling you he loves you and all that bullcrap. Don't fall for it. Begin right now planning for that money to be your way out. Even if it's not a whole lot of money, it will be enough to get you and your kids out of that house and away from him.

Your children do not deserve this environment any more than you do. It makes them nervous and scared. They will grow up that way. They will also grow up thinking this is the way relationships are supposed to be. Do you want your boy(s) treating their wives this way? Do you want your girl(s) to look for abusive men?

Also, he is only using the kids as more of his intimidation. There is no woman in the United States who loses her children just because she doesn't have a job. You can get welfare assistance from the state to help you out until you get a job or to go to school to better yourself. Stop believing all this crap he keeps telling you. He is not the authority on anything at all. He has just psyched you out to make you think he is. Call and talk to a lawyer and find out your real rights. You will find out he will have to pay you child support and spousal support.

Call 211 from your landline phone or the Domestic Violence Hotling. They will give you the phone numbers of local abuse shelters in your area. Call a few of them to find out how they can help you. Abuse shelters have lots of resources available to them to help women get away from their abusers. They have access to housing programs that pay some or all of your rent. They can also help you plan your exit strategy.

Or, just stay there. Give him your money, spend your money on him, the house, the kids, and be abused some more.

River1977

hmmmm

You said you are bad at expressing yourself verbally, but you are writing here. Your profile says you like writing, yet you quoted someone else to tell your story because you can't express yourself.....verbally.

Makes no sense to me and makes me wonder if this is real.

CanadianGuy

To me this guy sounds dangerous. Do not give him that money. Get away with the kids as fast as you can. Please.