23YearWife

Warlock07, I've noticed it doesn't matter who makes the change if it's sincere. Genuine love is the most powerful force on earth and it transforms not only the lover, but the loved. It's the opposite of being a doormat because it takes wisdom, personal strength and self-control to accomplish this. Most of all, it takes first acknowledging your own contribution to whatever the problems are and admitting them, realizing you and your partner made the mess together. Then you can forgive yourself, forgive her, and fearlessly CHOOSE to love. This choice isn't available if the goal remains to be "right," or get revenge, or hold grudges.

23YearWife

Simcha, it sounds like you both need psychological breathing space to get perspective. Is there any way to ratchet down the combat for a day, a weekend? Actually, I've never heard of "the 180" as a principle, so I can't comment. I've done it successfully and seen it done is all. You have to want to do it for it to succeed. It's not a tactic, but a genuine change of heart that comes from seeing her and the situation differently. You have to see her as something other than your enemy, examine and understand how things got to be the way they are. Most of all, you have to want to be happy more than you want to be "right." Nobody but scientists can "prove" that they're right, anyway, especially to an unopen listener, and even scientists have to call most of it theory rather than law. It sounds like your only other options are continued marital combat or divorce. This looks like the "better or worse" test of love. Why not try it? To get out of the combat zone, try spending a day listing and remembering what you like about her. In your mind, try being the guy standing at the altar again. What would you do if your beautiful bride felt hurt, upset or angry in her wedding gown? Why not try doing that now? Give yourself some space to get over the anger and fear. I promise you, it's not about the money or the boat. She's hurt.

Simcha

Wow! That's some powerful stuff right there. The "your beautiful bride felt hurt, upset or angry in her wedding gown?", that really hit home. That's like a jeteye mind trick.

Ok, I will do it. Wish me luck and please stick around you are very inspiring.

23YearWife

I wish you all the luck in the world!

Enginerd

You need to keep a realistic view of your marriage. While loving your spouse is always a good idea there is no such thing as unconditional love in a marriage. Both sides have needs. You portray your wife as abusive and she shows a total lack of respect for you as a man. She's definately not scared of you so I'm thinking your not physically abusive. However, I'm not sure about emotionally abusive. Have you been emotionally abusive?

Simcha

I don't believe I am or have been emotionally abusive to her but perhaps I have been.

She has never accused me of being "emotionally abusive". When she asked me to find a job and leave her company, she accused me of not giving her enough credit for the things she did and she accused me of making her feel insignificant.

I never intended to make her feel anything remotely like that. I think she felt insecure because I was running the business. I was negotiating with vendors, implementing new revenue streams, had turned a non profitable business into a very rewarding business. I didn't do it deliberately, we had our second child in the midst of when I was doing all of this and so it was natural that I do it in her absence.

Enginerd

Could it be that you rubbed it into her face a bit too much? Is she struggling with being a mother and a business owner? An internal conflict of sorts? Showering her with love is not going to resolve this conflict since she has so much pride. By the way, I would reclaim the boat immediately and absolutely refuse to put up with her giving you permission to do this or that in your home. Either find the keys or just overide the ignition on the boat. What's she going to say or do? My husband stole our boat? Start asserting yourself in a positive way and don't respond to any abuse. Just do it nicely.

Hopefull363

Emotional abuse could be just ignoring her emotional needs. Both partners have emotional needs and when they get ignored for a long period of time resentment sets in and gets worse as time goes by. Couples therapy is a great idea providing you find a pro marriage counselor. Some marriage counselors are neutral as to whether you should separate or stay married. Look up pro marriage counseling in your area. In the mean time both of you should read His Needs, Her Needs. Try to get her to read it with you. Enginerd has given very good advise on how to handle her control issues. You do have to start reasserting yourself.

warlock07

We have a few guys/women like that in the divorce section of this forum. They were repeatedly abused, trampled, stomped over and kicked repeatedly through out their relationship. Look at their threads. (Coguy, synthetic, traggy, Conrad(?), jpr and a few more I don't remember). They were the typical doormat nice guys who were terribly taken advantage of. Again I understand your perspective but it is terribly naive and is not applicable in all the situations.

A relationship in which only one partner is giving everything won't work.

Simcha

What is your position on the boat? We know its not simply about the boat. She is placing blame on me because we had to pay for the slip and she assumed that by giving me the bill, it would mysteriously get paid. I told her clearly that I did not have the extra $1,800 to pay it and we both knew we were running the risk of losing our slip if we didn't pay it by a certain date. In fact there was talk about selling the boat because it's costing us between payments, marina, winterizing, summerizing, gas, $8,000/yr.

The bill was never paid and we lost the slip. We now have a different slip that is not as convenient.

Also, she is upset because the bank requested that we register the boat and she had to pay $2,300 to register it. We purchased the boat out of state and in two years we didn't register it. She claims that she wasn't aware that we had to register the boat and she was upset that I knew all along and didn't address it.

It is very common for her to plead ignorance when it suits her. I have since gotten copies of the keys to the boat, unbeknown to her. I haven't had an opportunity to use it because I work M - F.

I have started to assert myself and I sense she responds well to it. Last night I told her I wasn't going to sleep in the guest room anymore and got in bed and went to sleep. Out of spite, she would raise the volume on the TV to its highest level to get a rise out of me. I ignored it. Eventually, she got tired of the volume herself and left the room, leaving the TV on and the volume screaming high.

I turned off the TV and went to sleep. Around midnight she crawled into bed.

This morning I rose at 5:30 a.m. and went for a run. I called her to let her know the sitter would be home by 10:00 a.m., asked her how her morning was going and we had a few seconds of civility.

Simcha

I am sorry to say that I couldn't go even one day without making matters worse for me and my marriage.

I got home with our boys after their soccer game. My wife was already upset with me because "I didn't tell her" our son had a game. She has the same schedule I do, but she relies on me to keep her informed of the activities that I am aware of, yet it is not reciprocated. I often don't find out about our son's activities until they've passed or the same day.

I got through her anger about the game relatively unscathed. We got home and although she got home before us, I prepared dinner and set the table.

All along while I am doing this, she is having a cellular conversation and she is making it very obvious she wants her privacy. Deliberately, making sure that I can't listen. It is obvious the conversation is social not business.

After dinner, she retreats to the basement to and turns on the television.

I put the boys to bed and retreat to our room. At 3:00 a.m., I wake up and she is not in bed. I assume she is either sleeping in the guest room or with one of the boys.

Earlier that evening before retreating to sleep, I was navigating the web and came across, the "Top 10 Signs of Infidelity by Anne Bercht". The article makes the following disclaimer:

"Noticing any one or all of the above signs of infidelity does not guarantee that your spouse is cheating. They are simply the common signs reported by those who have been cheated on. Other factors in life could cause a person to act in any of the ways above. If your spouse exhibits none of the signs above, that does not guarantee that they aren’t cheating. Ultimately you will need to discover for yourself the truth in your own unique situation."

My wife is exhibiting is exhibiting 6 out of the 10 signs.

And so at 3:00 a.m., when I wake up, I see that my wife's purse is sitting on the lounge chaise. The curiosity consumed me and I started looking through her purse and my wife walked in and caught me.

She said, "what are you doing", I literally, had my "hand in the cookie jar". I said, "I am going through your stuff". She said, "why, what do you expect to find, the smoking gun".

I said, "I am trying to understand why we can't get along. Why you are having these secret conversations, why you don't sleep in our bed".

She replied, "you are not going to find anything, perhaps a Wendy's coupon or a Starbucks coupon, that's it".

I was actually surprised that she wasn't as upset I thought and expected her to be.

She took her purse and walked out of the room.

I tried falling back asleep, but here I am, sharing my life with all of you.

Now what?

Chelle D

Simcha-

I have yet to see if someone gave you the basics of the 180.
There are threads in here dedicated to it.

(Forgive me folks if i get this wrong). Basically, from what I understand, you do a full turn around (180 degrees) and do the opposite of your normal actions/ reactions.

If you usually stay & fight -turn it around- Don't. Walk away from the fight.

If you blindly pick up her messes for her & always wash the dishes.. etc.. Dont. Leave her messes for her to pick up. Wash the dishes 1/2 the time. When they pile up, say- "It's your turn hun".

If she goes out & you stay at home & brood- Don't. Go out yourself with some buddies. Go play darts, something.

If you let her make all the plans - don't. Make a plan (family day at zoo... fishing, etc) for xx day for the family. Tell her the plan & stick to it.

Get a haircut, just for yourself. Some spiffy clothes, just for yourself.

I think the point is for her to notice the changes without you saying anything. If she questions if you are cheating, don't lie. Say you are doing something for yourself for once. & it's gonna stay that way.

chillymorn

Divorce.

who the h*ll would want to be with such a person!!!!!!!!!


yuck and double yuck.


when you get sick and tired of her shet then you will do something.


she makes more with her business .....I"ll bet since you left its going down hill and thats why shes all jacked up .


and if she dose make more divorce won't be bad financially for you.


I say Run Run run. she sounds nasty.

PBear

So you know you've been "beta-ized", and you have the books. Besides moving back into your bed (which was a good start), what are you doing about it? You've taught her over the years what she can get away with and how to treat you; now you need to reverse that. And it's likely going to be a painful process for both of you. She will likely fight to keep control.

As far as the 180 goes... Keep in mind the purpose of the 180 is to get you to a place where you can move on, if that's what's best for you. It SOMETIMES has the benefit of showing your spouse that you have other options, which can cause them to rethink their treatment of you. But that's a side effect, not the reason for doing it.

C

23YearWife

It has worked beautifully for me and I've seen it work for others. Being a doormat has nothing to do with genuine love because you first have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
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