It's been a couple of years since I've posted here, nothing much has changed, marriage wise that is.
I'm looking for some help, because I'm driving myself mad thinking of how to fix my marital issues. If you have read my posts from the past you know that my husband has done some pretty nasty things to damage our marriage. Whenever any of those situations occurred I would have complete meltdowns, screaming, throwing things, storming out of the house, just completely wild! It got to the point that my husband gave me the ultimatum to get help or he would leave. So I did, went to plenty of doctors visits, and was placed on meds for anxiety, went to counseling,psychologist's, you name it I've done it. And I should point out that every single one has said, they didn't quite understand why I was there, but we worked out issues none the less.
Lately with the help of my family doc we have removed the meds and I started a cognitive behaviour therapy session to help me cope and learn tools to essentially become my own therapist. So far what we have concluded is that my anxiety is not what I thought it was. I don't have distorted thoughts, they are actually normal thought patterns. The problem is my environment, I have been told by my husband and his family that the things that have happened (at the time they occurred) are acceptable, that I'm overreacting, that I need to stop taking things so personally, that I'm the one who needs to change. And we've (doc and I) have noticed that my main problem is in my value system, versus my husbands primarily which includes his family who he runs to everytime. I have been doubting myself for 5 whole years!!! Because my husbands values are different from mine, but because I'm different I must be wrong. I feel like I've been put on meds to be able to accept all of my husbands shortfalls, when I was on meds he could set the house on fire and I would be like " ahh no big deal." I don't feel like going the the doc 5 years ago was a mistake though, I have learned a lot about myself and I've been given many tools to help me. I just feel like I woke up, and now see life without a haze, and am extremely resentful of my husband for putting an ultimatum on me and never doing anything to change himself. He made choices in our marriage that destroyed my trust for him and I'm the one who did all the work to fix our marriage, and he still lies to me to this date, and if I mention it he says I'm rehashing old issues, when he doesn't realize that lying is lying and I can't trust a word he says anymore.
At times I am so confused, I feel like I am going mad, or have a serious mental disability (I've been thinking this for 5 years!) and doubt myself and start to put myself down because I'm not perfect and I could have done things differently. But deep inside I know that what he is doing is wrong, I get confused because my husband manipulates the situations and rationalizes his behaviors.
I have so much resentment towards him that I think I hate him now. I don't like who he is, and as much as I try to love him and think of how good a husband and father he is, something happens to remind me that he's not. Is it possible to still love him even though I hate him? I'm thinking I need so major therapy sessions to get over this hump, because talking to him never helps, and involving family and friends has never been something I do. And I know a lot of peoples first responses are to leave/separate/divorce. But I take my vows seriously and even though I may not be happy with my marriage I feel I need to do everything possible to fix it.
To sum it up, I've been deemed to wrong do-oer in our marriage and all to the fact that I would get extremely upset over the things my husband had done. Now I can look back and say, i know i could have handeld it differently, but my feelings were valid and normal, and expected in those situations. And All this time i've been letting my husband and his family tell me otherwise.
Thank you for reading my long post, I appreciate the advice anyone has to offer.
I'm looking for some help, because I'm driving myself mad thinking of how to fix my marital issues. If you have read my posts from the past you know that my husband has done some pretty nasty things to damage our marriage. Whenever any of those situations occurred I would have complete meltdowns, screaming, throwing things, storming out of the house, just completely wild! It got to the point that my husband gave me the ultimatum to get help or he would leave. So I did, went to plenty of doctors visits, and was placed on meds for anxiety, went to counseling,psychologist's, you name it I've done it. And I should point out that every single one has said, they didn't quite understand why I was there, but we worked out issues none the less.
Lately with the help of my family doc we have removed the meds and I started a cognitive behaviour therapy session to help me cope and learn tools to essentially become my own therapist. So far what we have concluded is that my anxiety is not what I thought it was. I don't have distorted thoughts, they are actually normal thought patterns. The problem is my environment, I have been told by my husband and his family that the things that have happened (at the time they occurred) are acceptable, that I'm overreacting, that I need to stop taking things so personally, that I'm the one who needs to change. And we've (doc and I) have noticed that my main problem is in my value system, versus my husbands primarily which includes his family who he runs to everytime. I have been doubting myself for 5 whole years!!! Because my husbands values are different from mine, but because I'm different I must be wrong. I feel like I've been put on meds to be able to accept all of my husbands shortfalls, when I was on meds he could set the house on fire and I would be like " ahh no big deal." I don't feel like going the the doc 5 years ago was a mistake though, I have learned a lot about myself and I've been given many tools to help me. I just feel like I woke up, and now see life without a haze, and am extremely resentful of my husband for putting an ultimatum on me and never doing anything to change himself. He made choices in our marriage that destroyed my trust for him and I'm the one who did all the work to fix our marriage, and he still lies to me to this date, and if I mention it he says I'm rehashing old issues, when he doesn't realize that lying is lying and I can't trust a word he says anymore.
At times I am so confused, I feel like I am going mad, or have a serious mental disability (I've been thinking this for 5 years!) and doubt myself and start to put myself down because I'm not perfect and I could have done things differently. But deep inside I know that what he is doing is wrong, I get confused because my husband manipulates the situations and rationalizes his behaviors.
I have so much resentment towards him that I think I hate him now. I don't like who he is, and as much as I try to love him and think of how good a husband and father he is, something happens to remind me that he's not. Is it possible to still love him even though I hate him? I'm thinking I need so major therapy sessions to get over this hump, because talking to him never helps, and involving family and friends has never been something I do. And I know a lot of peoples first responses are to leave/separate/divorce. But I take my vows seriously and even though I may not be happy with my marriage I feel I need to do everything possible to fix it.
To sum it up, I've been deemed to wrong do-oer in our marriage and all to the fact that I would get extremely upset over the things my husband had done. Now I can look back and say, i know i could have handeld it differently, but my feelings were valid and normal, and expected in those situations. And All this time i've been letting my husband and his family tell me otherwise.
Thank you for reading my long post, I appreciate the advice anyone has to offer.