johntt

OK, see if you can get at this 1. Where to start, ok..we've been married 3 years. I'm American, she's Polish. We live in Poland. I'm Black she's White (a non issue between us seriously) So here's the gist. We used to fight and argue, like physically. Then that stopped completely, but there was always something lingering there. I made most of the money, she took care of the bills. Well, in the end she'd been feeling bad about the marriage, but I didn't know. 1 day I wa checking the bank account and asked her what was in it. She told me a much lower amount than I expected so I lost it and yelled at her. I said she was stupid for spending so much money and "we should get a divorce". So she said "OK". It hit me like a ton of bricks because I didn't mean it. Anyway, we've been seperated for 5 months. I went back to the U.S. but now I'm back in Poland trying to make it work because I do love here. I did some therapy while in the U.S. and still do it from a book that's worked very well so far. My thing is...after all this time I still love her and without question I want to have our marriage back, we see each other from time to time and talk quite a bit. How in the world do I get my feelings across to her. I can't tell her I love you everyday, because it'll show how needy I could be, then again I can't just sit here in this country forever and wait. I know I should have patience, but I've been back here for 3 months and I only have baby step progress to show for it. Anyone have any advice? And befor you call me an ass for getting into a physical fight with my wife...I already know.

evenow

I'm going to be as honest as possible because I think it might help.

It sounds like you've got a pride issue. At the point where she said "okay" to divorce you should have stopped her right there, told her you said that out of anger and you wanted to develop a plan with her that would get you two back on the path to a better relationship. Counseling, church, dates in the park, whatever she wanted. And yes, if she wanted it, telling you that you love her everyday.

But what is past is past. My advice is to approach her and be as upfront as possible. Ask her what she wanted in the marriage, what made her unhappy, what made her happy and if she could see a future with you again. Tell her you want to make it work. Then act on whatever she tells you. Communicate, communicate, communicate. When people resort to violence it's usually because they've run out of options. Go see someone for your anger. Get counseling with her and without her.

A good post on Productive Arguing is here:
Productive Arguing by Paula Hall, PST

Another good post about how to keep a marriage alive in little ways each day:
100 things in 100 days for love

There are so many issues here. I hope that helps.

draconis

It does sound like you have issues that are not resolved and I am not one to believe in fixing a problem from a book. At least you have admitted to some of the issues.

Give her a Christmas card early with a long letter in it and tell her how you feel and why you feel that way. Also tell her what steps you are willing to do to fix it.

As for the I want a divorce comment, that is a form of verbal abuse. SHe called you on it and would not let you use that on her.

If she takes you back you have a long way to go....even in the worst arguments you should never raise your voice or hit EVER.

draconis