General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
me, wife and 2 kids are in the store grocery shopping, and i notice she's looking at something, so i turn and look, and there are 2 guys standing there doing their business (shopping)
We carry on in the store, but i notice every time were are down the aisle with those 2 guys are there, my wife's looking at them, up until i notice her doing so, then she looks away. This annoys me because shes checking guys out right in front of me. This goes on about 3 times iirc, then I get withdrawn, hang back from her, and basically stop paying attention to and talking with her. Wasn't the best thing to do but thats what I did.
When we go to check out, I notice one of the guys she was looking at is there checking out also. The other guy is checking out in a different line.
Wifey suddenly decides she wants to grab another item, so we go up there and she gets it, and on the way back, she berates me for hanging back while were shopping, and we have an argument in the store. she leaves, leaving the groceries and two kids with me. guess who is leaving at the same time? one of the two guys she was looking at earlier (if you hadn't of guessed). she comes back and gripes at me some more, then leaves again. I take the kids and leave, leaving the groceries in the cart, unpaid for.
We argue on the way to the vehicle, in the vehicle, and I leave. She drives home with the kids. I haven't told her why I'm acting mad or resentful or whatever at this point.
I decide to do something in the meantime while i decide how i am going to deal with this (replace the brake pads on the car, no small achievement for non-mechanically minded me) and 8 hours later we have it out, and I tell her what my problem is (which is her checking out those 2 guys in the store)
She goes on the offensive and says I'm lying about it, I'm wrong and I'm making it up out of guilt for looking at porn (which I have and do look at, and am not guilty for, I dont lie about it)
And she said 'if she did check those guys out, what am I gonna do?'
This bothers me the most, why would you say that if you weren't doing so?
Sorry if this seems disjointed, I am not in the best thinking state atm.
Was I reading into this too much or am i being gaslighted?
Well, not to worry, I'm sure the guys weren't very impressed by her. She can look all she wants but I doubt they'd want to give her the time of day after the display she put on. You can't control anyone else's behavior, you can only control your own. My aunt used to check out guys openly at her son's sports practices. She loved her husband very much but also admired physiques. Honestly, sometimes it's just eye candy, a woman is usually attracted to a guy by their personality and feelings of emotional closeness, so you could have the upper hand here if you played your cards right. For all you know those guys aren't even interested in women, so who cares, let her look all she wants. If people have to over-censor themselves and what they look at and what direction they smile in or how much they smile or sigh or whatever, they are going to feel repressed and irritated and on edge, in the end then nobody is going to be happy. Including the kids! What did they think about Mom storming off? You have the potential to control the situation, but it means feeling less 'right' about what your wife does in the grocery store. I was just explaining to my current boss who is a psychology researcher, about how grocery stores seem to be one of the worst places for couple issues. Which is interesting because you know all that goes on store videotape. Then again, my exH revealed a lot of his abuse at grocery stores, so much so that it took me a while to feel normal and not to think about it while shopping (I just realized now I went today and was fine, I think because last week I shopped for lunch for my new guy friend...and was totally focused on that :-) Anyway, part of why I left my H was because of how he treated me at the grocery store. If you can't get food with a spouse without getting your panties all twisted, things are pretty bad. You will almost always have to go to grocery stores in life, so it's a good idea to try to avoid trauma while in one. Same goes for exposing kids to trauma in grocery stores, they'll get all worked up every time they have to go to one, because of negative memories.
Hmm it's possible you over-reacted but I don't know you or your wife..Are you the controlling jealous type or is there other past behavior from your wife causing you to react this way??? I'm a people watcher..maybe she was wondering if these guys are gay or something..I woulda waited, checked out groceries then get in the car and ask her why she seemed so interested in the guys. Posted via Mobile Device
Hm. Maybe a humorous approach would have worked? You see her looking and then you say something like, "Yea, he has a nice ass. I bet his 'friend' thinks so too. " You would have flustered her and she would have said something back, maybe, like, "What? What are you talking about?"
I don't know you or your wife, but that's how I'd handle it with H if I thought he was ooglin' a girl. Well, I'd probably say, "Do you need a private moment?"
You shouldn't be watching porn if it bothers your wife. And your wife shouldn't have been checking out guys. Maybe she did it because she's resentful about the porn. A man watching porn can be very harmful to a woman's self esteem and very harmful to relationships.
How often do you focus on your wife and flirt with her?
How often do you have sex?
Also don't be as dive aggressive, tell her not to check out guys if it bothers you. You could have handled it in a manly way, with some humour right away, gotten your point across and moved on. Instead you argued in front of the children. Posted via Mobile Device
Whatever you do, don't pick up sausages and make lewd references and gestures with them to your wife. lol.
I think it's okay to be upset, but expression of being upset could be more tactful and controlled and focus more on how it made you feel, just a statement and be objective about it. You are entitled to your feelings and entitled to communicate to your wife. What she does after she knows about your feelings will give you more information about the state of your relationship. But over-reacting isn't going to feed into that sort of knowledge gain, and it's just going to make you look as foolish as she did by storming out. There is a way to communicate negative feelings so that they are heard and the offender is able to respond positively. Then there's a way that almost guarantees a negative response. Studies have shown that people in intimate relationships match their vocalizations to each other. So confrontation is likely to result in more of the same, anger results in more of the same, concern begets concern...it's like a mirror, or a boomerang.
@ CSS Yeah i didnt handle this well and i do get jealous easily and i dont think im controlling, but my wife may beg to differ. i dont know.
I do bottle the feelings of resentment and disrespect until they overflow so thats why the fight i guess. I dont handle things as they come up well.
@ TT you handle it waaay better than i am able to, im not fast on my mental feet like that.
Sorry you feel this way. Now you know how us ladies feel. You know the argument... Look at the menu but not order.
Give her the benefit of the doubt on one occasion... Could she have been staring into space ... I do that and the realise that I must look like I am looking funny at someone.
I'm glad you notice your wife. Not many men do. Posted via Mobile Device
So you think it is perfectly acceptable for you to look at sexually arousing naked women for the purposesof gratification, but you jump on your wife for possibly looking at a fully clothed man in the grocery store. I'm sorry, but your wife let you of easy. I don't see how you can justify that even to yourself.
She could have recognized them and have been trying to figure out where she knew then from. Posted via Mobile Device
Well,
I don't know that the OP's porn habit has anything to do with his wife OPENLY DISRESPECTING him and their children in public...
If a woman/man wants to "check out " a specimen of the opposite sex,then do it when your SO is NOT around.Not in their presence..
Full stop.
I know the effect porn use has on women,but does that make her actions justifiable?
Does he look at porn in front of their children?
That argument is circular.
Is there any guarantee that his wife would not stoop so low again,especially in front of their children if he should stop looking at porn?
are you in decent shape or did you let yourself slide?
is your wife in decent shape?
do you guys make love often? and if not why?(I'm assumming not because of your referance to porn use)
do you guys spend time having any fun together?
and I also think alittle hummor would have gone along way .... Hey babe two guys shopping together almst certinly means they are light in the loafers. I'll take care of you tonight when the kids are in bed! then kiss her and maybe even a slap or pinch on the a$$.
If she cops an attitude then I would have said ....... your $hitty attitude about our marriage is starting to be a deal breaker for me. then give her the cold shoulder maybe even go out unexpectedly for a extended length of time . when she asks in her crappy tone where you were be evasive and reidirate the I"m sick of your $hitty
attitude speach and say if things don't change then I'll be going out a lot more frequently!!!! then walk away!
This reminds me of the posts telling men to flirt with other women to make their wives jealous. I guess it doesn't work so well the other way around.
You got jealous. Good. She noticed other men. It's normal. But you backed off and kinda gave her the "go" signal. You didn't say a word about it being bothering you. No boundaries enforced.
And yeah, humor is the easiest way to defuse it. "I'm hotter than he is, cause I have you and he doesn't". Meh, next time you can work on what to say. She knows NOW that it bothered you. And you know NOW that she doesn't like your porn.
So work on what the real issues are, it got you talking about them, at least.
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wife checking out guys 
" You would have flustered her and she would have said something back, maybe, like, "What? What are you talking about?" 
