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Lost and Helpless

1K views 14 replies 7 participants last post by  jennz 
#1 ·
I hope that it's ok that I post here. I'm not married but me and my girlfriend have been together for over a year now. We recently took the plunge and decided to give moving in together a try. Quite possibly a mistake in hindsight. Her thoughts on that are that you don't know till you try. I agree to some extent. It hasn't been easy. She has extreme mood swings and horrible with money. She has a good paying job and can get paid on Friday and be in the hole by Monday. Anyways the reason that brought me here.

We've had a back and forth relationship. Meaning she quite often times is undecided about us and will start to say were not meant long time. Then of course a lot of other times it's I want to marry you one day. Basically the way things work is everything will be good and we will be getting along just perfectly and in a matter of minutes she will erupt talking about everything she is unhappy about. She says she always has these feelings just usually she can suppress things and we can live our lives without issues.

One such event happened yesterday. All weekend it had been "I love you" and things of that nature. Then yesterday morning we were lying in bed watching a TV show and she all of a sudden said "you don't pay attention to me".."your not attracted to me" I asked her how she came to that conclusion. She didn't really have much a response just said that while she was in the pool and I was working on the fence she was doing things to try to get my attention the day before.

ok I have to break right there and explain something. When I was working on the fence she was taking her rabbit for a walk all the way at the end of the yard (we have a big yard) These types of things happen pretty frequently where how things happened has been warped and even sometimes conversations that honest to god never existed.

So I made mention of that to her and told her that when she did get in the pool I was right in the pool with her for the entire time. She didn't have anything to say to that.

So after that short conversation she went and did a couple of things and we laid back down in bed and started talking about it. She says she just needs to breathe. That she doesn't feel connected to me. She then abruptly stood up and got dressed grabbed her daughter and went to her mom's from about 12:30-9 before coming back home. She got home and we had a long conversation about some things. She said I'm not as confident as I used to be and she says she loves me but she's not in love with me. I asked her what she wanted to do about this and she replied with I don't know at this point "I just give up and handing it over to the gods to decide"

I made mention of a few things that I have made mention of previously. Which is how she talks very flirtaciously (sexually) with some of her guy friends. She says it's not big deal and all that matters is intent. I personally think it's a lack of respect to do that when with someone. She says she wishes I would go out and flirt some because she likes to feel jealous even though it will make her mad at me. I'm not that type of person. I don't need to flirt or be jealous.

I don't understand where she gets the thing of I don't pay attention to her. I won't dispute that she feels that way but I do disagree. I mean I'm constantly touching her or stroking her hair or telling her how beautiful I think she is.

In all honesty this is what I think the current problem is caused from. Me and her got together a few months after she had broke up with a boyfriend she had been together with for 2 years. He had emotionally beat her down and she had became severely depressed. Anyways this past week he resurfaced on facebook. She of course messaged him several times. He hadn't been responding till today. She tells me that she only messaged him about his parole officer. I don't know how it works and I am now trying to find out if he's violating parole. She allowed him to keep saying he lives here when he in facts lives in another area of the state a couple hours away. So she says she is only talking to him if he asks her. I happen to know that's not the case. She also has a second facebook profile that she says she keeps just to vent. She added him on it. I can see the friend's list and even upon mentioning to her that I know he's on there she lies straight to my face and says he isn't. She told her oldest daughter last week that this ex had sent her a friend request. Me and her daughter have been talking about it some because she's worried to death her mom is going to break up with me and go back to him. In all honesty I also believe that is what is going to happen. I'm hoping not but I don't really know how to fix this situation.

She doesn't seem to understand the amount of stress she's put on me with her behavior and not to mention having to figure out how to support a family of four on one income. If any of you have any suggestions on how to fix this I would really appreciate it. I know from the way I make it sound it sounds like a horrible relationship but in all honesty when things are good they are great and I really don't want to just walk away from this just yet without knowing that I did everything that I possibly could.

sorry this is so long but thank you for your time
 
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#7 ·
Take control of your life and get out while you can. If your worried about being lonely after leaving just realize that you can be even more lonely in a relationship when your spouse is focused on someone else. Your girl is full of quilt and transferring it you. Be strong and move on. This girl is a train wreck.
 
#8 ·
Train wreck is the perfect phrase to describe this one, Revulsion.

This is a girl with serious emotional and mental issues. Think about it - she's pursuing someone who supposedly beat her down and made her depressed. She's showing you what she feels comfortable with in her life, and people will invariably re-create the same things over and over again. In other words, she'll drive you to a point where you get fed up, and then when you finally put your foot down, she'll claim you mistreated her emotionally and that you're the reason she has problems.

I'm seeing hints of serious mental illness in what you've written. It might be that she's simply ambivalent about your relationship and looking for excuses to cheat, but I suspect it's more. What you said about conversations that never took place, the way her perceptions get warped, the way she says she "doesn't feel connected," and her perceptions of depression makes me wonder if she is either bipolar or if she has borderline personality disorder, neither of which can be diagnosed without a thorough mental evaluation. But if she has one of those conditions, your life will become a living hell if you stay.
 
#9 ·
That is one of the things that has been causing me stress. I will ask her if she wants to go out and have dinner and she will say she doesn't feel like going out. Then later she does word things like it's my fault we don't go out. It's the same way with her weight. She's not fat but she has started getting a little chunky. Which I'm ok with to be honest. Her weight doesn't bother me. Then her putting on weight seems to be my fault as well. I just feel like I take a lot of blame for things that isn't really fair.

I know I have probably done some things wrong as well. I believe it always takes two but I don't think the things I have done wrong really warrant this kind of behavior. I think part of my own issues is do to a bit of a "savior" complex.

I've actually been wondering if she is bi-polar or borderline to be honest. I know 3 of her family members have been diagnosed as bi-polar take medication and have gone on to live fairly normal lives. She however believe it's a bs diagnoses and therefore won't seek any kind of help. Her kids get really frustrated with her whole attitude and they are really hoping I stick around. She talks to her oldest a lot about us and she's aware of some of the situation. So she came in earlier and was talking to me and I had to sit her down and let her know that the way this is going I don't think I will be around much longer which really upset her.

I would really like to bring up the subject of her seeking an evaluation but I just don't think she would do it in reality. Leaving isn't something I really want to do. I'm kind of looking at it as a last resort. I feel after all this time I really need to get to the bottom of this not only for our relationship but for the kids as well. I know they are so tired of men coming in and out of their lives especially when most of the time the men their mother picks are total a-holes according to them.

In the back of my mind I keep getting the thought that like all of you have suggested I need to just leave but I can't seem to convince myself that this is what I need to do. I was even thinking earlier that maybe I just need to stop paying attention to her and go back to doing my own thing and see if it snaps her back to reality.

I used to go out with friends fairly frequently and she would be invited to go as well but she would decline. It seemed anytime I would go out I would get texts of her being upset about it and then there would be a big argument about it when I got home so eventually I did stop going out with my friends. I just felt it was easier to just stay home rather than to have a big argument over something silly later on.
 
#12 ·
I was really hoping tonight might be different but nope. She got home from work and didn't say anything so me being the idiot that I am thought maybe she was waiting on me to make the first move. So I waited a few minutes and went to give her a kiss and she pulled away from me. I let it go and we sat down on the couch and watched TV. I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk and she said yes. I went and got ready and she came up to me and said "I need to breathe I'm going to my mom's for a little bit" She grabbed her daughter and left. So now I just feel like she's just flat out disgusted with me or something. I have a friend I was talking to who said I can come sleep on his couch for a couple of days if I want too. I'm really thinking about just taking off and taking him up on the offer.
 
#13 ·
Do yourself a favor and listen to KathyBatesel. Your girl has serious mental issues. You're like most people. Women think they can help and change men. Men think they can rescue their damsel in distress. Everyone thinks they should give the bad relationship every possible chance. Nothing will change except her mind.
 
#14 ·
I know and I believe you are all correct. Just hard to walk away,you know? I've set some wheels in motion and tonight I'm going to stay at my friends house for a few days. I figure get away. Get my head clear and maybe I can view the situation in a less cloudy way to really see that I've done everything that I can do.
 
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