thebuckest

hello all i am a concerned parent who is trying to correct my childs behavior and just need ideas.

long story short my stepson had a baby when he was 16 he did so despite our continuos warning and even banning of the baby momma. so he lied and said he was going to a friends house and ended up in the back of her truck making a child.

fast forward almost two years and he hasnt been much of a father, he pays child support but thats all. i have been on him since the baby has been born about stepping up as a father and how his fun as a kid is gone. my wife would always make excuses about how he works is in school etc. and things were going to be different after he graduated. Well now hes graduated and its been a couple months and he hasnt spent one day with his lil girl. he goes out with friends and works thats it. hes rarely home as he knows theres not much more we can do since hes less than a month from being 18 and its really getting to me.

So my problem is i grew up with a crap dad and know that pain. its hard for me to sit around and watch him do this to an innocent child and just let it go. I was thinking of charging him rent once hes 18 or just kicking him out but i would rather not push him out as i know this would push him away. however the wife fears charging him rent will only cause him to move out either way and i say yeah but at least his given the option and were not just tolerating it. so with that said any ideas?

also dont want my other two boys 15 and 6 to see this type of behavior and think they will just do the same stuff if it came to it and mooch of me. In case u hadnt noticed this is a personal subject for me i am screaming zero tolerance on this but willing to work with the wife if she generates some ideas. just rent is all i can think of as he will be an adult.

thanks in advance.

in my tree

Personally I don't see anything wrong with him paying a little rent but waht about school? Is he planning on college or working on a trade? Maybe he could put part of his pay away for that.

He doesn't sound interested in his daughter right now but he really needs some encouragement in getting involved with her. He made the adult decision of having the baby so now he needs to be an adult and get involved. Parenting classes are also a good start. Is he involved with his daughter's mother at all? If so, maybe that's something they could do together. Just a thought.

thebuckest

he has seperated from her eight months ago he would help a lil here and there before that but nothing on his own ever just a shell of a dad really. and as far as school no he wont have that oppurtunity as he blew off school and barely made it through hs. hes one of those kids that never listens to our advice and always has to learn the hard way. Im just torn cause i cant sit back and do nothing and talking hasnt worked for two years so i know thats not going to change him. and hes basically always staying with friends now as it is so i know if i charge him like 150 a month he would move out but that would still be better than forcing him out. just got to get his head out of a** basically. thanks for the reply.

survivorwife

Yes, charge him rent. As a mother of two grown sons, I recommend teaching some responsibility. The trick is to start with a minimal amount, depending on what "real" rent is in your area. For Example $50 a week +/-. If he can do better living elsewhere (which is the point of the nominal amount) then he is free to do so. You might want to convey that this amount includes utilities, and if he moved elsewhere that would be extra.

Unless, of course, he furthers his education in which case the rent can be waived for that period of time.

As to the grandchild, while it would be nice for him to bond with his child, you can't force it. What is your "grandparent" relationship with the child? Is the mother in a new relationship? It's always possible that the child will have a "father figure" in the future, but it is important that if your son isn't close to the child that you and your wife act as the grandparents that you are.

While it's perfectly normal for a son to enjoy his after graduation freedom, you have to keep reminding him that there is future he needs to consider and it is still your job, as a parent, to guide him. Some kids learn the easy way, while others learn the hard way. He gets to pick which way he wants to learn (that's what I told my sons anyway, and they chose wisely )

tacoma

Charge him rent, make his life difficult in your house.

You have to get him out in the real world where his poor decisions will start harming him personally rather than those around him.

From your description it's the only thing that might educate him.

I've been through this and getting him out of the house is the only thing that has forced him to acheive even the easiest of goals.

Beware your wife
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in my tree

I agree with survivorwife. Charge him a nominal rent (utilities included) and see how that works. I did the same with my daughter but when she went to school I have let her slide on the rent because of tuition, books, etc. If he does decide to move out, well, there are worse things that have happened. He needs to mature and see that life is not all about hanging out and having fun. Especially now that he has a daughter.

I also agree that your relationship with your granddaughter is important. Do you and your wife see her? She could use a good male role model I'm sure, especially until your son matures enough to start doing his part.

thebuckest

well we were there for her till about the time they split up(eight months ago) thats when it all hit the fan. had a huge fight about the seperation where baby mom didnt take it to well threatened my wife and u know the story. later made up and have seen her some but i told my wife we cant bring the baby around to much till he moves out or decides to be a dad cause thats weird (dad being in the other room and not wanting to see her.) so we have taken a month off or so and were going to hit him with the 150 month rent to hopefully wake him up and if nothing else put the money twoards his daughter. and 150 is nothing thats my cable bill. think im going to go with 150 rent and u cant be here when ur daughters is till ur rdy to be a real father? what you thnk?

and yeah i already know Tacoma i have to tread lightly the wife is super defensive of her two boys. we have talked about it and i have told her its an issue cause its not fair to me that i have to raise the kids but cant discipline them as i would my own but i have to treat them the same? she agreed and has gotten better but i think she fears him moving out and loosing him. Ive told her he doesnt make enough to survive on his own and that he would have to come crawling back and be man to get back in the house but she still fears it. And when he graduated he was told you work or you go to school, if its school im behind you 100% if its work then as long as your being responsible still behind you 100%. But going to ur buddies every night to hang out when ur daughter is over moms constantly isnt going to work.

survivorwife

All mothers go through that fear, but kids have a way of learning well once boundaries are set and they know you mean business. It's true. They really can't survive on their own. You know it. I know it. The problem is that THEY don't know it, thus you have to teach them (the hard way or the easy way).

As to your granddaughter, you might want to reconsider having her over and maintaining a relationship with the child with or without her father. First off, it's your home, not your son's. He doesn't get to dictate who visits and who does not. I see no reason in the world that you can't have the granddaughter over and take care of her, feed her, play with her and form a bond. If her daddy wants to hide in his room, that's on him, but you can set the example of what a loving parent does with an innocent child. Either he joins you or he sulks in his room, but sooner or later he will come to realize that he made this new family member and he needs to grow up. I would imagine that your wife's "maternal instinct" could be transferred from worrying about her son to worrying about her innocent granddaughter.

My sons are grown with no children (yet) and I look forward to being a grandparent some day, so I tend to spoil my friend's grandchildren for now. To withhold your own special attention to the child because her daddy won't be involved with her seems rather cruel. Besides, I bet she is a real cutie.

thebuckest

Yeah that's what were going to do now. And our concern was more for her. As a child of a dead beat myself I can honestly say it would have been easier if my dad wasn't in my life at all. Off and on parenting is worse than no parenting imo. That was our thinking. And ur right the wife has been missing her lil girl she's the closest thing to having a girl. As we have three boys and our daughter was lost in the womb.
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Enginerd

I tell my boys this:

If you're in college (or trade school) full time working toward your degree I'll help you and you can stay here rent free. If not then you must have a full time job and pay rent once your 18. Of course I would give him some slack if he was jobless, but I would need to see the evidence that he was looking aggressively. This boy would be better off working toward his future then messing around with his baby mama (she also has very poor judgement). If he doesn't have a solid career path he will not be able to do much for his child later on when that child will need him the most. The bad news is that he's your step son so you have negotiate everything with your wife. Sometimes mothers don't understand that tough love is what boys need to become men. I think your right on track with the cheap rent approach and I would expand that with some education requirements. Try to get your wife to look forward 5 years and picture her son living in your house with no future. Ask her if she has goals and hopes for her boy.

tacoma

I think giving his rent money to the support of his child is an excellent idea.
Has the mother of the child made any move to get child support?

If not why not?

This is another thing that will force him to grow up.

Ok I am obviously projecting here but I want to stress my earlier warning again.

I was in your same position less than a year ago (minus the fathering a child part).
I spent 4 years being as compassionate, understanding and communicative as I could about my need to get the boy standing on his own.
The reason I frequent this board is because I was searching for knowledge I could find in places like this 4 years ago to avoid the destruction of my marriage over the problems with my step-son.
I was not perfect but I was as close as any could be.
I got what I wanted and now my marriage hangs from a fine silken thread regardless of all my pre-emptive attempts to avoid marital problems over this.

Please notice the highlighted above in your quote.

My wife was telling me she was totally on board for 4 years as I wondered why plan after plan after plan failed over and over again to get the desired result.
I`m good at understanding, planning, and executing but I was in denial about my wife.
She would one moment agree with me entirely about what we were going to do with her son and would then go to him and undermine everything we just agreed upon.
She manipulated him and I into pretty much hating each other.
This wasn't her intent but it was the result and now only I know the truth, he`d never believe it.
At one point she told me not to get him a job at my company because he`d embarrass me and get fired..
He asked for a job I went against her wishes and gave him an application.
He never filled it out or spoke with HR.
This created a lot of animosity from me towards him.
Come to find out she told him behind my back not to take the job because I was an ******* to work for (He wouldn`t have been working for me he would have been working in another department).
She did a multitude of little things like this that nearly destroyed the kids chances and definitely destroyed any relationship I could ever have with him.
I`m not blame shifting, this is entirely her fault no way around it.

So, PLEASE be wary of your wife.
Pay attention to her actions not words.

When you agree upon a course of action with the kid with her does she initiate that action on her own or only after you`ve harped on it?
Is she enabling him behind your back?
When you start getting this rent from him pay attention to where he`s getting the money, from her maybe?
Mine did that as well.

This is a minefield and you`re already too deep into it to get out unscathed.
Just try to avoid the big ones and keep an eye wide for the not so obvious ones.

I wish you luck, you have my deepest sympathies.

KathyBatesel

I'm of the same mindset as others. It's your home. You want your son to be responsible to his child, but he's not stepping up to the plate. By bringing your grandbaby in and loving her, the exposure he gets may entice him to bond with her over a period of time - especially if you both require him to pay rent (which can be set aside for her in a college fund since it's sounding like she won't have much opportunity otherwise.)

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jennz

Absolutely!!! Charge him the rent and save it for the child!!!

thebuckest

Thnks for all the help and tacoma u were right. I go to talk to the wife about it on my lunch because he will be 18 in three weeks and im telling her to get his paperwork together to get him a checking account. His paychecks go to my accoung cause he switched jobs last minute against out advice and nedded direct deposit. So she starts to give me attitude and I just try to get her to come up with other ideas if she's not for this one. She has none so I say well what's wrong with what we agreed to three weeks prior? She says we can't make him be a father, and I think you just want him gone. So I lost it a lil not yelling or anything. I just told her ok I see what's coming and not going to let ur kids drive a wedge in our marriage. So I tell her to fix it on her own since she odviously doesn't want to develope ideas or anything with me, and after I get sick of him treating his daughter this way ill treat the way our son wpuld of already been treated. Mind u I have been brkng this up to him amd her for over the past year and habe even gotten in arguments with him over it to no avail. So that's where I am and ill give him sometime and the wife. But hopefully she gets off tonight and we can talk about it more to get something worked out. Cause this week he comes home and says check out my new jordans I just bought for 180. I just told him there just shoes and money would of been better spent elsewhere. But if that was my son I might of punched him the face (figuratively). This is just pissing me off to no end and she needs to be more understanding of my pov with my fathers history and all.
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tacoma

Yeah, oh yeah, this is a volatile situation for sure and she hasn't a clue no matter how much you tell her she won`t have a clue.

buckest, just keep the moral high ground man, no matter how ****ty it gets that should be your mantra.

Also think before you speak/act, no matter how it goes down make sure you say/do nothing you`ll regret.

Watch your mouth, moral high ground, no regrets.

Be cool, calm, be in control.

This is a marathon man, not a sprint, it`s going to take some time so work on that anger management man.