Not sure what to do

lovesthem · 07-16-2012, 07:12 PM

Hi there. I am new to this but will give it a shot. My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs and married for 2. We have 2 children together and I am currently a SAHM and he works full time. My problem is that I am feeling unhappy and like we are drifting apart rather than getting closer. I guess what I mean to say is that I feel like my H is a self centered person. For example, a friend of mine was killed in a car accident a year ago. I was devastated by it. I told my H about it and he decided that would be a good time to bring up that he wasn't happy with his sex life!! Another time, I lost my drivers licence (for speeding, no biggie) and he flipped out at me! He started saying how are we gonna pay for this, what the hell were you thinking speeding (he speeds ALL the time), I guess you better start looking around to where you're gonna get the money to deal with this etc. He has a short temper, is a bit of a drama queen, and expects me to do all the initiation when it comes to sex. It's also like he is unable to make a decision about us moving or buying a house or doing anything with the kids. He does have good points of course. He helps around the house (sometimes) he will bring the kids out to let me go get my hair done or to see a friend for the evening. But, still, I feel unhappy. I don't want a divorce, but when I bring up counselling, he just plain says "No". The other thing is, when he has a bad day at work, he will bring the frustration home with him and take it out on me or the kids. He will yell at the kids for small things and get worked up over nothing. I don;t know what to do!!! Whenever we talk, we just get into an argument and I am so tired of that. Which is why I suggested counselling. Anyway, any advice would be great. Thank you

KathyBatesel · 07-17-2012, 02:16 AM

It sounds like you could benefit from learning how to set and enforce boundaries in the way people treat you and your children.

Remember that men generally learn more from action than from talking. When he's taking his temper out on you, what prevents you from calmly saying, "I am not a target for your frustration and anger. I'm taking the kids to the library, and when we get home, I trust that you'll be in a better state of mind?"

Initially, he might respond with more anger, but if you don't rise to the bait or get intimidated into letting him move things back to his current comfort level, and he realizes you refuse to participate in being mistreated, you'll start seeing change.

Just because you stay home doesn't mean you gave up authority for your own life.

lovesthem · 07-17-2012, 11:44 AM

Thank you! I am a bit of a passive person (I was abused by my father as a child, physically, which makes me kinda scared of being yelled at by any male figure), so I guess I just take the mistreatment. As for my kids, all I end up doing is defending them and that makes him even more pissed off. So, what you suggest by telling him I am taking them out and we won't be back until he's in a better frame of mind is something I will do next time. I really appreciate the advice and the reassurance that I can stand up for myself and my kids and not be afraid to do so

ColorRed · 07-17-2012, 11:49 AM

Hi there,
I’m sorry to hear about the kinds of struggles you’re having in your marriage. I can tell you’re willing to work on making things better, and I know it’s not easy to figure out where to start. It sounds like your husband isn’t interested in getting outside help at this point - Still, it would be beneficial for you to look into some counseling for yourself, at the very least. If you’re not sure where to start, I wanted to let you know about counselors at Focus on the Family who will talk to you over the phone for free. The number is 855-771-HELP (4357), and I know from working with this organization that they’re all very kind and caring people who really want to help. You may also find it worthwhile to look over some of the articles on the website here and here. So glad you’re reaching out here – take care, and hang in there

jennz · 07-17-2012, 11:51 AM

You can do it!!! You just need to stand up for yourself!!!