General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Does anyone remember the Love Dare that was popular a few years ago? Although I have a husband who is a good man, great provider, and wonderful father ... our marriage is missing that intimacy that I feel a marriage should have. I've tried over the years to get him to talk about more than the weather or birds (we have coffee outside in the morning), he is just not able or doesn't want to or doesn't feel that it is important.
I was reading on the Focus on the Family website that it is our thoughts that drag us down into depression. I can see how that is probably right. Because I am focusing on and thinking about how we have a marriage that is less than fulfilling, I am getting more and more depressed.
Since he is not willing to have any lasting meaningful exchange, I'm going to have to change how I look at things and my expectations. I'm hoping that will get me out of this deep funk I am in. I would love to find a group or people are doing the Love Dare so the group can keep me accountable. When I googled Love Dare and chat, this group came up.
So ... anyone out there who is still interested in doing such a thing and keeping one another accountable?
Sorry if this sounds vulgar, but the way to a man's heart is through his penis. Oh and also the stomach.
Sounds like you want more romance and passion, the way to motivate him is through enthusiastic and hot sex.
So while you work on the love dare also be willing to offer a place for him to park his manhood
If I am way off base please don't take offense, I know my comment has nothing to do with the love dare, just trying to offer up some suggestions, cause I know I don't really take a lot of pleasure in talking about birds or the weather nor any other men I know either (well except for my grandfathers).
I dont think doing a whole bunch of nice things for your husband is going to get him to open up to you in meaninful discourse. Guys dont work that way.
My experience; I watched Fireproof as recommended by a mutual (female) friend in 2009 when we first separated. I hated it. One reason is it made the husband out to be the total bad guy and jerk. The innocent wife was just a victim. Second reason is I used to be a firefighter and that hit home with me.
Fast forward 2 years and I had completely moved out but decided to give my marriage one final shot. I watched the movie again and I had tears in my eyes at the end. This time I "got it". I wanted what they had gotten back. So I did it. I did the LD on my wife. I really didn't think it would change much but I decided it was as much for me as it was for her and if not anything, it might help me in any future relationships.
Looking back, I enjoyed doing it. It was fun with her not having any idea why I was doing these little things. But she knew she liked it. She even suggested we go back to counseling together, and we did. Eventually she asked me to come home and I did.
The problem was...she never changed. I changed completely but she was still the same un-appreciating person she'd always been. She took in everything I did for her but gave nothing back. And I knew that's what would probably happen but I was really hopeful she would come around.
The moral of my story is...you have nothing to lose by doing it. Like me, even if it's just for yourself. But it doesn't always work.
You should watch the movie though. It's a decent watch. I would also highly recommend you both read The 5 Love Languages.
For guys it's just not as impactful. It would help to keep him from hating you more if you do nice things for him and stop saying negative things to him, but I don't see it having the same effect as it would for a woman.
I would read something like the 5 love languages or His Needs Her Needs.
As someone else said, you can cut right to the chase and cook him a nice dinner and have really hot, enthusiastic sex with him for a week and it will save you a lot of reading time.
From a man's perspective, the ultimate "OMG I wish my wife would do that" type challenges are the ones where they agree to have sex with their husband every day for a <week, month, year>. I would have moved mountains for my wife if she did something like that.
For guys it's just not as impactful. It would help to keep him from hating you more if you do nice things for him and stop saying negative things to him, but I don't see it having the same effect as it would for a woman.
I would read something like the 5 love languages or His Needs Her Needs.
As someone else said, you can cut right to the chase and cook him a nice dinner and have really hot, enthusiastic sex with him for a week and it will save you a lot of reading time.
From a man's perspective, the ultimate "OMG I wish my wife would do that" type challenges are the ones where they agree to have sex with their husband every day for a <week, month, year>. I would have moved mountains for my wife if she did something like that.
ahwwwwwww:/ how sad!!!!!! you should never use sex as a weapon. man or woman. it takes away something powerful that you share together.
I just want to add my two cents here.... I am currently doing the love dare, and I have to say it has absolutely nothing in it so far to do with intimacy... it's about learning true love from a Godly perspective and how no one is perfect, how only God can love unconditionally and what the bible teaches about how to be a good wife or a good husband. If you are looking for some serious intimacy, I suggest you google some intimacy ideas, unfortunately in the "Christian" realm of things, I have yet to find a good book that teaches it's okay to be open and have fun in the bedroom. Insetad it's more about "being a good wife" and giving in to a husbands needs. It talks nothing about a wife's needs... etc... I'm actually about to give it up.... the only thing I have gained from it, i'm about 3/4s of the way through, is learning that yes, no one is perfect and only God can love unconditionally and that we as spouses have such high expectations of our loved ones, they are bound to fail a time or two... we must forgive, truely forgive. But we must also communicate, have fun, express our needs, etc...
You want real intimacy, it starts in the bedroom, it starts with talking about what you love about your spouse, it starts with discussing sex... yes I said it, discussing your likes and dislikes in the bedroom, what you want to try together and what you don't want to try... having sexual conversation is the biggest thing and then following through, honoring your husband (this is does say in the bible) by following through with some requests he has made (IE a blowjob-although God forbid any Christian books would write that)... and I am a Christian but I truely loath how sex is so frowned upon when it is the number one maker or breaker of marriage and of intimacy as a whole... sorrry.... went on a tangent there.... I think if you want to do the love dare, do it. I found I could download the entire thing free online and read it, and there are some good things, but intimacy was not what i got from teh book, I had to find that elsewhere.
I just want to add my two cents here.... I am currently doing the love dare, and I have to say it has absolutely nothing in it so far to do with intimacy... it's about learning true love from a Godly perspective and how no one is perfect, how only God can love unconditionally and what the bible teaches about how to be a good wife or a good husband. If you are looking for some serious intimacy, I suggest you google some intimacy ideas, unfortunately in the "Christian" realm of things, I have yet to find a good book that teaches it's okay to be open and have fun in the bedroom. Insetad it's more about "being a good wife" and giving in to a husbands needs. It talks nothing about a wife's needs... etc... I'm actually about to give it up.... the only thing I have gained from it, i'm about 3/4s of the way through, is learning that yes, no one is perfect and only God can love unconditionally and that we as spouses have such high expectations of our loved ones, they are bound to fail a time or two... we must forgive, truely forgive. But we must also communicate, have fun, express our needs, etc...
You want real intimacy, it starts in the bedroom, it starts with talking about what you love about your spouse, it starts with discussing sex... yes I said it, discussing your likes and dislikes in the bedroom, what you want to try together and what you don't want to try... having sexual conversation is the biggest thing and then following through, honoring your husband (this is does say in the bible) by following through with some requests he has made (IE a blowjob-although God forbid any Christian books would write that)... and I am a Christian but I truely loath how sex is so frowned upon when it is the number one maker or breaker of marriage and of intimacy as a whole... sorrry.... went on a tangent there.... I think if you want to do the love dare, do it. I found I could download the entire thing free online and read it, and there are some good things, but intimacy was not what i got from teh book, I had to find that elsewhere.
You need to get Charlie Shedd's "Celebration in the Bedroom" or "The Act of Marriage" two wonderful Christian books that show you it is ok and blessed to have a vibrant sex life and that is what God want and why he created it.
5Likes
Remember the old Love Dare? 
