General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi. I'm hoping someone has had simiular experiences to mine and can offer some advice. I'm 41 and have been married almost 8 years. This is my second marriage, I have two children from my first marriage (ages 18 and 15) who live with my wife and I (ex-wife lives overseas and has next to no contact with us). I am a teacher, and have been for about 12 years. This means that I don't have a HUGE income. I am overweight, admittedly not physically attractive. My wife and I have three children together, for a grand total of five kids. When my wife and I met, I was a teacher, I was overweight, pretty much the same as now. We were friends for a year or so, then dated for another year, then were married. We've had our ups and downs, but overall, it has been a very happy time, at least for me.
Last January 29th, my wife told me that she had no love for me, and hadn't for a few years, she had been faking it to keep the peace. She said that when we were married, her lack of physical attraction because of my weight and her unhappiness with me not being wealthy were covered by the fact that i was so nice, and romantic, and a good father, etc. But now it's not enough. She's used up all the love she had for me, and since I didn't get wealthy or attractive in the past 8 years, she has no love. She told me that she wouldn't divorce me because she saw how it hurt my children from the first marriage and she is not the kind of person who would do that to her kids.
Until January, we had a fantastic and robust sex life. I spent time studying female anatomy and techniques to please her, and she loved it, claiming that it was almost an addiction, she loved it so much. I have always been a romantic, and am personally satisfied with only foreplay if the situation dictates, or with pleasuring her to the point that she falls asleep with orgasmic exhaustion even without any physical stimulation coming to me. She now says that about 3 years ago she started faking it because although it was good and I worked to keep it fresh, it had become commonplace for her to just have a couple of orgasms and go to sleep - it was boring for her. She also claims, however, that anything I might try to make things new or fresh won't work because she is now so disillusioned with me for not changing my body the way she wants or not getting more income wipes out her desire even more.
She told me that she would rather have me out of the house more if it meant that I could get more income. I was at the time working 2 jobs (not uncommon for school teachers with families), and I started a third job in late February that pulls in a few extra hundred a month.
She is friendly and cordial with me, we don't fight (never really did), but I'm not there nearly as much as I was before. I made the mistake about a month ago of asking her if with the extra job, and her being friendly, etc., if maybe her feelings about me had changed. She answered that this was here way of trying to make it work, and don't ask her again about it because it reminds her that she doesn't love me, then it gets hard for her to stay happy. So I just shut up and keep moving from day to day.
I have lost myself. I have always been a very positive, happy, forward-looking person. This was one of the things that attracted her to me. In January she told me that she hates that about me, because how can I act so positive and happy when I don't have enough money for her to live like she would like. She told me to put a lid on the optimism. This was hard because I have been like that since childhood. But I did it, and did it so well, that now I have really lost that trait. My older kids, my parents, work colleagues, etc. have all noticed. I'm different, not as talkative, sometimes a little somber, etc. It feels like it's not me, but it is the ME that I have become. And the old me is gone. I'm not surpressing it, it's just not there anymore. I have less joy.
Anyway, I love her with all my heart. I am doing all I can with 3 jobs to get her a little more income. But I am very tired. I don't feel positive about the future or life in general. I don;t want to live this way, but I don't see a way out, and I will NOT consider splitting up.
I don't think there is much you can do if you are not willing to split up. The one thing you should not do is give up the optomism or any other part of your personality she now seems annoyed with.
Stop killing yourself over this women (work wise).
In your original post you did not specify why your wife stopped loving you. You said that nothing really changed about you since you got married. Any ideas?
And finally, if your wife told you to "put a lid on the optimism", you may be married to the wrong woman. I understand if she wanted to discuss a potential way for you guys to increase your means, but putting a lid on optimism is counterproductive.
That would seem to be the answer, you'd think! But she still insists that as long as it brings in a bit more income, she'd rather have me gone working than at home.
We don't have cellphones, cable, anything like that for expenses. We live very simply. This was another thing that attracted her to me before, my being OK with a simple life. But she says now that she's had enough. She says that you marry for only 3 reasons: love, looks, and money. If you have all 3, great! if you have 2, you can really make it work. If you have only one, and it's not money, you're in trouble. Apparantly she decided I only had one (love), and now that has been "used up" (her words) waiting for and hoping for the other 2 to happen.
Your story makes me so sad. I wish your wife knew how lucky she was. My opinion (for what it's worth) is that a person's worthiness of being loved isn't subject to their income, or proportional to the amount of noughts on their payslip. If you love someone you love them even if they are standing in front of you with only the clothes on their back. That aside...
I'm assuming your wife doesn't work? I'm wondering why earning money is all on your shoulders. Can she not do something to supplement your income also?
You and your wife seem to be on completely different pages (if not a different book entirely!) I think you should focus on your own happiness for a while. You describe yourself extremely negatively, it is much harder to value someone who doesn't value themselves. I think you would do well to improve your own self esteem. Have you tried to lose weight/get fit? I think that would be a good starting point.
Your wife chose to marry the man you were 8 years ago, I struggle to see what has changed in that time to make her decide she doesn't love you any more. You describe the situation as though she married you as an investment, in which case I'm not sure she ever loved you as a wife should love her husband.
Sorry I can't give you more comprehensive practical advice, sure someone better qualified than me will be along shortly. Good luck.
Why would you want to remain married to someone who does not love you, and will not love you unless you look amazing and have an amazing income? She is cheating you out of a happy life and who you really are and want to be. If she wants extra income, she can earn it herself, IMO. Put your foot down, be yourself, and be the person you want to be. Don't let her hold you back. Posted via Mobile Device
Stop killing yourself for her. If you're happy teaching and it supports a lifestyle you're happy with then teach. From experience I can tell you a woman who makes money an issue is not going to be happy, no matter how much you make. It will never be enough.
As for you being fat, the fact you bring it up over and over makes me think you're not any happier about being fat than she is with you being fat. Quit one job, get a cheap set of weights off Craigslist and spend your time getting in shape.
Thanks all, I appreciate your posts. This is my second marriage, and despite all that has happened in the past 6 months, I am crazy about my wife. I know there's no magic formula to make people love you, but I am willing to do anything to make it work with her and be happy together. No, she doesn't work, she is a stay-at-home mom, the cost of daycare swallows up a lot of what she would make, and she has always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom anyway. I have tried losing weight (and am currently still at it - lost 5 pounds in the past 6 weeks!), but it's a long and slow process with juggling kids and work. I do appreciate all of yoru comments, it is very refreshing to hear thoughts and ideas that are not just out of my own head!
She says that you marry for only 3 reasons: love, looks, and money. If you have all 3, great! if you have 2, you can really make it work. If you have only one, and it's not money, you're in trouble. Apparantly she decided I only had one (love), and now that has been "used up" (her words) waiting for and hoping for the other 2 to happen.
You dear, sweet man. If you weren't married, I'd marry you! Just kidding ... this is not a dating website, it is one on which people come to air their marital issues, so back on topic ...
You sound like a kind man with a strong work ethic. I hope you are beginning to understand that your wife's "ideal" of what makes a marriage work is big-time f^cked up.
Okay, you are no Adonis. If my hubs was overweight, I'd be concerned due to health issues. It never hurts to firm up and drop a few ... less stress on your heart and your joints.
Your wife is taking you for granted. Dear man, it is time for you to grow a pair and man up. Really. If she ain't happy with the lay of the land, request that she leave the premises. Does she have a job or is she a SAHM?
You have lost yourself because you have made her the primary focus in your life. Of course, our spouse should be our primary focus, but not to the point that we are dancing to their tune.
Suggest MC. If she refuses, go to IC. Also implement the 180. Not for her, but for you.
You sound like a keeper. You deserve a loving partner. Time to give her a shock to her system ... be your own man. Not for her - for YOU. She wants more money? Tell her to go out and earn more.
No, she doesn't work, she is a stay-at-home mom, the cost of daycare swallows up a lot of what she would make, and she has always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom anyway. I have tried losing weight (and am currently still at it - lost 5 pounds in the past 6 weeks!), but it's a long and slow process with juggling kids and work.
Okay, you answered my question while I was busy posting. How old are all of the children? Can she get a part-time (perhaps 20 hours per week?) job?
It is ridiculous for you to be pulling the load. Also, as you are discovering, the more you give her, the more she wants. Also, she does not respect the efforts you have put into this marriage.
So, how 'bout taking away some of the perks she has? Do you give her an allowance? Does she have a weekly or monthly budget for chidrens' clothes and groceries?
JMO, but I'd quit the third job and tell her to get off her a$$ and get a part-timer to bring in some extra money.
Keep up the weight loss - not for her, for you and your well-being!
Has she ever worked, does she plan to? Maybe she needs to supplement your income.
Did she ever communicate these needs (money and a fitter body) to you before or after you married, as in, these things will be deal breakers?
It is crazy that she can come to you after 8 yrs and say you haven't fulfilled those really important things that you didn't know needed to be fulfilled for her!!
I understand that you dont want to split up...in which case you should absolutely find your happy optimism again, and tell her that if she can be so shallow, she needs to deal with her issues and keep you out of it.
That's a terrible way to live, but if you won't divorce her, be yourself and tell her to suck it up.
Why is everything she wants so much more important than what you want?
Have you sat down with your wife and talked- REALLY talked about all of this? Have you asked her why she was willing to 'fake' it for so long and why she then chose to tell you? Even though she had no intention of leaving/divorcing. She must have had some motivation for telling you- what do you think that was?
You love her and it's natural to want to make her happy but do you truly believe that you can? I don't think the problems lie with you but with her. Providing she did love you in the 1st place, it's possible that she can fall back in love with you. BUT it seems you're doing everything you possibly can. It would help if she took some responsibility for the issues too.
You're earning as much as you possibly can. No-one ever got to the end of their days and said 'Oh wow, I wish I'd spent more time working and earned more money.' They think about the relationships they had, the people they loved and the quality time they shared.
Sorry that's a little jumbled but it's late and I'm tired!
I'd be inclined to sit down and decide what works for YOU work-wise and make the changes you need. If working 1 job, maybe with a few hours on the side if you can do it, is what is right for you then do that. The family spending will have to adjust accordingly. Maybe your wife could pick up some work from home? Even just a few hours. You're important too.
Um, YEA.
And with you being out of the house so much, how are you even seeing or spending time with your kids? You are going to miss them growing up if you stay gone just because she wants you too. Posted via Mobile Device
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Any ideas? 
