General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Yesterday I was sick off work all day with a horrible headache. When my hubby of 8 years came home he buzzed our security door buzzer over and over again. I poked my head out the window and jokingly said "geez, you sure know how to make a girl's headache feel better!"
When he got up the stairs he started mumbling and swearing and telling me I had an attitude. I told him I was just joking but he went on to scream at me, getting in my face. When he used to yell at me I would whimper like a child, but now I have finally started sticking up for myself and he says things like "you used to be nice". He is always telling me I have an attitude and I am always so confused. I don't know how I am supposed to be talking to him.
He blamed my period (like he ALWAYS does - whether I have it or not he says things like well you must be due for it). He often gets up in my face when I try and sort things out with him. Just a few weeks ago he came nose to nose with me and yelled "F***. OFF!!!!!!" when I was trying to sort another matter out with him. I would never in a million years talk to him - or anyone else for that matter - like that. He also called me stupid, an effing ***** and to get it through my “thick skull” that I should just leave him alone. He often calls me names out of anger, and rarely apologises.
He has truly made me feel like I DESERVE to be spoken to like that.
My father's aggression rendered me emotionally mute for years, and I can see the same pattern repeating itself with my husband. What should I do? I keep telling myself I don't deserve this but then I can never find the guts to do anything about it. He is just like my dad - Jekkyl and Hyde - such a sweet kind person when he's not enraged, but an absolute monster when he is.
I don’t think he would ever hit me, but there have been a few times where I feel like he has come close. The incredible anger in his eyes and his voice… it has been frightening. Even though I’ve told him I hate it, he tells me that’s just the way he deals with things and that he wouldn’t have to yell if I didn’t carry on the way I did.
Well it might be normal for some people....like your husband. But it certainly isn't normal for most people, and i would consider it verbal and emotional abuse. He sounds like a bully.
A good indicator is your last sentence..."he wouldn’t have to yell if I didn’t carry on the way I did." An abuser will blame the victim...
My H and I have been married for 15 years...together more than 20 yrs...we have NEVER spoken to each other like that, not even in our worst rows. I would not tolerate being spoken to like that by anybody, and being my husband makes no difference. So i would want to get some IC or MC (counseling) to get a professional perspective, who could look at all aspects of your interactions.
How long has he been like this? Has it steadily got worse?
He clearly doesn't like you sticking up for yourself, but you must continue to do that. If he starts yelling or cursing, simply state that you will no longer tolerate him speaking to you in that manner, so you are going to leave the room now/go for a walk/go for a drive. Tell him you can continue discussing whatever it is when he has calmed down.
Did he grow up in an aggressive family? Did his father speak that way to his mother, if so did she just take it? Often abusers came from a similar situation, and even though they hated the effects it becomes a pattern because its familiar. He indeed might not have learned any other way.
When he is in a calm good mood, try talking to him about this and be very clear that it is unacceptable. The fact that you had an abusive father is very telling...it is what is familiar even when it hurts.
If you do nothing about it, he will believe it is ok and will continue.
Do you have any children, or plan to? I would not want children exposed to those types of outbursts.
How long has he been like this? Has it steadily got worse?
I think he has always been like this. Even in the early stages I remember feeling a familiar fear and telling myself this wasn’t right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FRANC
Did he grow up in an aggressive family? Did his father speak that way to his mother, if so did she just take it?
No. He told me he only ever saw his father yell at his mother once in his entire life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FRANC
When he is in a calm good mood, try talking to him about this and be very clear that it is unacceptable.
I have tried this many times. Instead of addressing what I’ve said to him he focuses on what I did to “cause” him to act like that, and again tells me he wouldn’t have to yell if I didn’t give him “attitude”
Quote:
Originally Posted by FRANC
Do you have any children, or plan to?
No, neither of us want children.
I suppose one of the reasons I haven’t left yet is due to fear… if I knew I could break it off tomorrow without the possibility of him tipping over a table or telling me to get out (I live at his house), I would do it in a heartbeat..
No one ever has the right to yell at another person.It shows immaturity and lack of proper communication skills.
Everyone gets angry and annoyed but there is never an excuse to raise your voice to someone.
In your situation though,it seems there's more to things than just one spouse yelling at the other.You're being abused.Seek help and get your husband into counseling.
I suppose one of the reasons I haven’t left yet is due to fear… if I knew I could break it off tomorrow without the possibility of him tipping over a table or telling me to get out (I live at his house), I would do it in a heartbeat..
Best of luck to you too Rima. X
I think those two scenario's would be tame, given his rage or whatever it is.
You have two options, tell him he needs to work on his rage/anger and show him you are serious, i.e. don't continue to tolerate the way he talks to you, get up and physically leave the room, if he follows you, call the cops or you can file for divorce. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of anything until he starts to straighten his sh!t up.
What is keeping you married to him? And what is your fear about him telling you to get out? If you need to position yourself to get your own place, give it some time to save up or ask a family member to help you out, etc. You are not in a safe position.
Sounds like he has anger management issues. I don't get yelled at but he has that biting tone which is sometimes just as bad if not worse and he swears though not AT me. Your situation is not normal at all.
Even though I’ve told him I hate it, he tells me that’s just the way he deals with things and that he wouldn’t have to yell if I didn’t carry on the way I did.
Is this normal or am I being verbally abused?
P.S. You need to do more than tell him you don't like it... Show him. Actions!!! Show him you will not tolerate it anymore. Kindly explain to him that he needs to improve his behavior, or the marriage is over. My H has anger problems, so it can be controlled... And he's been physically, emotionally, verbally, etc.. any kind of abuse you can imagine and he grew up that way with a horrible role model, his own father, in fact once I started meeting all of his family members, the first words out of their mouth to me was "does he still have that temper?".. It wasn't temper, it was flat out abuse and yes, he still had it! We still argue today occasionally, but I'm as much to blame during those times and I know it. And the last time he called me a name, I really did deserve it as I called him a name first
This will not get better unless you stand up for yourself and you will lose yourself if you continue to let him treat you this way.
You are being abused both verbally and mentally. If he does not agree to get help for HIS anger issues, GTFO. If it continues and you learn to ignore it and brush it off as "normal", he will discover his tactics no longer affect you. His next step may escalate to physical abuse. Don't wait for that to happen.
Something I learned from the men on this board in their own words:
"Men don't respond to talking. Men respond to actions."
That especially applies to men who are abusive. As you have learned many times, it does you no good to try talking to him, and it does you no good to stand up to him. The only way to deal with an abusive man is to leave. The more you try to control the situation, the more they escalate their control tactics, as Smoke described. There is nothing you can do while living with him in the same house. If you want him to stop abusing you, you have to leave.
Usually, leaving will cause the abuser to become remorseful and apologetic. He will promise you the world to come back to him. But you cannot fall for this. Abusive men need their victim to stick around (or come back) so they can continue abusing her. What normally happens is she returns to him because he cries, begs, tells her how much he loves her, and promises to change. Women always fall for it because they didn't want to leave in the first place and only left to get his attention. So, she goes back, and he plays nice for a week or two. Then the abuse starts back up again and, as usual, he makes her think it was her fault.
Like I said, the only way to stop the abuse is to leave, but that means to actually leave and stay gone. If you leave your husband, don't go back just because he cries and begs and tells you everything you want to hear. You have to be strong enough to stay away and end contact with him.
If you really don't want the marriage to end, at least be strong enough to make him live up to his promises. Tell him he has to start counseling. Tell him he has to show a true commitment to changing his ways. Don't go back to him until he has attended a couple months of counseling for abusive men. This is different from anger management. If he had an anger management problem, he would be yelling at everyone. But, he doesn't. He only yells at you because he knows it intimidates you. That is abuse.
He needs to find a resolution to his out of control emotional outbursts or he'll lose you.
I'm embarassed to say I've done that in extreme over the top arguements. Over the years I have worked extremely hard on my anger and lack of control and no longer act that way. The best thing to do in that situation is for him to leave...go for a walk or drive. If he doesnt you should.
You don't deserve to be a victim of his lack of control.
I agree with everyone else. Not normal and not OK. I am thinking about you and hoping you have the strength to fix the problem, whether that be convincing him of therapy or leaving. Best of luck!!!
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Is it normal for your spouse to yell at you? 
