General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been happily married to my wife for the past 2 years, and we’ve known each other and been together for almost 6. By all accounts our marriage is great. We get along really well, sex is good and regular, and we are financially stable with good jobs. No kids yet, but it’s something that is on or radar for the next couple years. We are happy.
I recently was introduced to a new member of a club I belong to. My first impression of this woman was that she was beautiful, but in no way did I have the desire to be anything more than friends. It was not until a night out with friends from this club (including her) that I really started to feel a connection. I could not help from flirting with her and trying to make her laugh and smile. It felt like sparks when our bodies would accidentally touch in the crowded bar or when I put my hand on her waist for a photo. Since that night, and a couple similar events since then, I can’t get this girl off my mind. We will text or email back and forth and I can’t help from being playful and flirting. Although I have no intention of being unfaithful to my wife and I don’t think this single girl wants to get involved with a married guy, I can’t help but fantasizing what it would be like to have this girl in bed. She makes me nervous, excited, and gives me butterflies in my stomach all at the same time. It’s a great feeling – literally a “high”.
Some background: I’ve always been the kind of guy that notices an attractive woman (what man doesn’t?!) but most of my life I was usually too shy to pursue. It’s not that I never had girls, per say, but I was never getting as much as I wanted. It was not until my senior year of college that my attitude started to change. I made a conscious decision that I was going to be more aggressive, ****y, flirty around girls. It certainly worked, as I had many “friends with benefits” that year. At the end of that year, I met my wife and fell head over heels in love with her. It was fun and exciting. I was actually involved in another relationship at the time, which made our romance all the more fun for me (sound familiar? haha) This excitement has obviously subsided over the years, which I think is normal, but I still love my wife.
For what it’s worth, since I’ve met this other women I have been more aware of having a fun flirtatious side with my wife that I think our relationship has been missing. Also, All those naughty horny thoughts I’ve been having about the other woman have also translated to some really good sex with my wife lately as well.
Although this post was more about me sharing my feelings with “on one in particular”, I would appreciate hearing your comments, advice, and feedback about similar experiences, etc.
Is your wife aware of your feelings, your flirting, your texts and emails with this woman? If she isn't, you are CHEATING on your wife.
Get and read the book Not Just Friends.
There's nothing wrong with you being attracted to other women, but you are taking this too far by allowing yourself to text and email and flirt. You are in lust.
Its what I call a 'redflag woman'... she is simply irresistable to you. First mistake was exchanging contact info. Why did you do that?
Now you are in a pickle. Only way is to go dark. Send an no contact letter out. Just be blunt, you are married, you know chatting with her threatens your marriage, you can no longer talk or see her. Then avoid her for the rest of your life.
Resist that urge. Don't dwell at all on this other woman; tell you mind to stop. Focus on your wife and how great she is. Stayed focused on her, have a lot of fun with her. After a few weeks, that urge will subside with this other redflag woman...
Although I have no intention of being unfaithful to my wife and I don’t think this single girl wants to get involved with a married guy, I can’t help but fantasizing what it would be like to have this girl in bed.
You're cheating on your wife now. It doesn't matter what you THINK your and this girl's intentions are. Stop it now.
I'm sure you're covering your tracks, but if your wife finds one of those flirty texts, you may come home to find your clothes thrown all over the lawn, and changed locks.
I think from time to time a lot of guys have 'another woman' that have this sort of effect. The mistake you've made it getting close to her as by doing this you're risking making it more than just about lust or a schoolboy crush. Get away from her.
Thanks everyone who has posted... I get the sense from your responses that my actions have been way off base. I appreciate you trying to talk some sense into me. Nothing inappropriate has happened with this woman in my opinion. We traded contact info because we are on the same committee and needed to work certain projects together (it's a professional organization). Leaving the club is not an option either, as I am an officer and in a responsible position so I can't just leave everyone hanging. If I'm not going to be able to avoid her, I guess the best solution is to try my best to go "cold" in our relationship, so to speak. No smiley face texts, playful conversations, or flirting in general. Things have not progressed to the point where our feelings would be hurt, either. I don't think my wife needs to know anything, either.
If I'm not going to be able to avoid her, I guess the best solution is to try my best to go "cold" in our relationship, so to speak. No smiley face texts, playful conversations, or flirting in general. Things have not progressed to the point where our feelings would be hurt, either. I don't think my wife needs to know anything, either.
Keep it completely business like from this point on.
If you can't, you need to step away from your officer role but do it in an orderly fashion. Tell the club that you have professional issues that will prevent you from continuing in that role.
Either that or just give your wife 1/2 your sh!t now
^^^ Agreed. You HAVE to exchange contact info? You are trying to justify your actions to yourself. By doing this, you know it's wrong. The fact that you know it's wrong also means you know what your intentions are.
I would expect someone in such a responsible position in any club I was a member of to conduct themselves much more professionally with colleagues. That's all she is after all right?
You are also coming up with excuses about why you have to stay in contact with her. BE HONEST. If you really value your marriage, you need to get away from this woman.
thunderstuck, you're right on that point. I would not, and if she found them somehow then I would probably make up an excuse, "we're just friends", etc... When I said nothing inappropriate has happened, I meant physically.
If I still have to be around this woman on a professional level....I just need to keep my mind occupied with me wife. That's all there is to it. I am a strong person. I can do this.
Thanks to everyone for making me feel like s***.... I know I deserve it and will think about your comments the next time I am around the 'redflag' woman.
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Thoughts of another woman 
