General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Okay so there was some interest in me posting my story, it's long and pretty insane but I'll do my best to post a condensed version and then answer questions or what not at the end. There's going to be the story of two relationships here because they tie into each other.
Once upon a time there lived a BEAUTIFUL princess...
Okay seriously. So I met my first husband (R) when I was 15, he was 21. We broke up and got together a LOT, he was a controlling, verbally abusive man and I was young and stupid and just kept going back like an idiot, while reading keep in mind this continued through the entire relationship/marriage.. We got married after I found out I was pregnant at 17. He was a swinger, which I was never comfortable with but I did anyway lest I get belittled and yelled at later for not doing it. One of the things he liked to do was watch me sleep with other men, why I mention that will make sense later.
When I got pregnant we moved to another city and he went out to find a job, he ended up finding work at a movie theater. While working there he met a few people and became best friends with a man I'll call C. Now a few months after he started at the theater and I had a chance to meet the co workers he asked me if I was attracted to any of the co-workers and who I would sleep with (now remember he was a swinger so this wasn't an odd question to us). I said C, without hesitation, so R said he would talk to him and see if he would be willing to sleep with me. He came back and said C said no since it would be like sleeping with himself. I said okay, and moved on (though I did still have feelings for him and I was still very interested in him). We ended up moving to another state for awhile before moving back to the original town with two more children in tow and he got his job back at the same theater.
When we moved back we found out C had an online girlfriend (I was crushed but tried to be happy for him). As time went on all three of us became closer/better friends, and because of that R decided to try for the whole me sleeping with C thing again. There were a few months of fliriting and teasing between C and I before one night we finally just caved and went for it. For some reason even after months of R essentially begging us to sleep together, he got incredibly upset afterwards, things got awkward, C said he should leave, blah blah and R and I ended up getting in to a fight about the situation before he forced himself on me. R decided that C and I sleeping together was a bad idea and decided it shouldn't happen again, we both agreed.
At this point his abuse just intensified, both in nature and frequency. He would become very passive aggressive, refusing to do anythign with C but insisting that I do, only to yell and scream at me for doing it later. Eventually C and I gave in again and I officially started cheating on R. We didn't make up excuses for this to be together mind we, we had a mandated day that we were to spend together per R and all hell broke loose if that didn't happen for any reason. If R and I got into a fight, after it was over and I was in a bad mood, R would call C to come pick me up and "make me happy" (I have a hard time believing R didn't know what was going on). So C and I were seeing each other much more than before, and I spent the night with him on a few occasions when R would send a text to C and tell him to just keep me there for the night. After the first night when he told me to stay the night with C, I came home to a very mad R who not only yelled at and insulted me but escalated his abuse to include physical.
The straw that broke the camels back finally came for me when R forced me to quit my job because and these are HIS words, he didn't want me working because he had to share me with other people. I was fine with that, but he then got fired from his job for not going to work and I snapped. I told him that was it, the marriage was over and I wanted him out of my house. He tried every trick he could to get me to change my mind but I wouldn't have it. I kicked him out and he got on a plane and flew to live with his parents in another state the next morning.
R went to say goodbye to everyone at the theater (he had been fired a few months earlier for sexually harrasment, a fact I had to find out from C as R never told me and apparently told everyone else not to tell me.). While saying goodbye he turned to C who still worked for the theater and ask him to "take care of me", C said he would, there were a few snide comments from other friends and that was that, R was gone. C moved in with me officially about a month later, though he was at my apartment whenever he wasn't working. C was still with his GF through all of this and didn't end up breaking up with her until about 3 months after he moved in, after he discovered that I was right and that she wasn't at all who she said she was.
We got married in 2010 and have been pretty happy, he recently moved to another state for work (in Jan) so we only see each other occasionally now but even so I love him dearly and couldn't ask for a better husband.
So that's it, if you read it all, congratulations, I don't think most will. If you have any questions or want clarification on anything let me know and I'll gladly answer them. I'm horrible when it comes to talking about myself and seem to do much better when answer questions. Thanks for reading, and that's the last 11 years of my life in a nutshell.
Just one question.
If one of your children at age 15 were to tell you that they were in madly in love with a character like R, [ Your first husband].
Swinger , everything.
What would you tell them?
And if they insisted on having things their way,much like you did at 15yrs,
How would you deal with that?
Just one question.
If one of your children at age 15 were to tell you that they were in madly in love with a character like C, [ Your first husband].
Swinger , everything.
What would you tell them?
And if they insisted on having things their way,much like you did at 15yrs,
How would you deal with that?
Well while they are 15 and aren't quite grown I would do my best to keep them from seeing each other. Even if it meant become the mom every child hates who completely strips there freedoms, and hope that he would go away.
Now the thing with me was I never had any one telling me not to do it, or anyone to fight to "have things my way"
Well... Your childhood is a unique situation... Whether or not you want to mention it, is up to you... Before anyone decides to criticize it. (Maybe they won't - maybe they will).
I love your mom. She's a sweetheart! Posted via Mobile Device
Well while they are 15 and aren't quite grown I would do my best to keep them from seeing each other. Even if it meant become the mom every child hates who completely strips there freedoms, and hope that he would go away.
Now the thing with me was I never had any one telling me not to do it, or anyone to fight to "have things my way"
Well,therin lies the assumption or the basis for my initial question.
If you never had that sort of parental restraint,then wher are you going to get the " deep resolve" to break that cycle if you were to see it happening again?
I believe an individuals personality / character is the sum total of all their life's experiences and encounters.
Basically what I'm asking is this. What is the fundamental difference between the person TODAY [ the OP ] who posted this story ,and the person IN the story?
Well... Your childhood is a unique situation... Whether or not you want to mention it, is up to you... Before anyone decides to criticize it. (Maybe they won't - maybe they will).
I love your mom. She's a sweetheart! Posted via Mobile Device
Guess I threw that out there might as well spill about that as well.
I didn't really have much of a childhood. When I was about 10 my sister decided she didn't like our family as it wasn't your typical mom and dad from the 50s. She was upset that my mother was handicapped and my father didn't wear a suit every day so she decided to take lice shampoo to school and threaten to drink it. When the school stepped in to see what was going on she lied and said her home life was horrible, that our dad beat her regularly and molested her. She was taken in to foster care had tried to have them take me as well. I was often badgered by CPS on rather or not my dad had ever abused me. My sister later admitted she made all of this up so that she could be placed in a foster home with a mother that wore dresses and a father that wore suits. This of course caused a huge rift within the family, my father and mother both turned to drugs (meth and pot) and eventually my father ended up manufacturing and selling meth. My mother got so depressed she would no longer go through the effort of getting up to go to the restroom and ended up just going in her bed, or if i was lucky a 5 gallon bucked I would empty out for her. During this point I had basically given up, I had to drop out of school to take care of my mother and eventually started doing drugs with my parents. Because of the smell someone reported us to the police who did a raid and found dad's meth lab. I was sent to foster care for a while until they decided I could live with my grandma, my mother was sent to live with my aunt and my father is still in prison.
It was about a year after my father's arrest and my moving in with my grandmother that I met R.
Well,therin lies the assumption or the basis for my initial question.
If you never had that sort of parental restraint,then wher are you going to get the " deep resolve" to break that cycle if you were to see it happening again?
I believe an individuals personality / character is the sum total of all their life's experiences and encounters.
Basically what I'm asking is this. What is the fundamental difference between the person TODAY [ the OP ] who posted this story ,and the person IN the story?
As cliche as it might seem, the difference is C. My husband made me realize that regardless of where a person comes from they don't deserve to be treated that way, he showed me what love truly is, and how it's conveyed. I look back at my first marriage and I can't believe I was so stupid to have put up with that. I myself now realize when it's wrong and can see when it's happening (ask Yin). I would NEVER want to see my children go through that kind of relationship.
Hellioness, Thank you for sharing your story. Do you and C have trust issues because of the way you met? How often do you get to see each other?
Not really, I've always had trust issues due to my childhood but C trust me completely. We see each other every few months, he was here at the beginning of July and I'm going to go see him towards the end of august. He moved to get a job with an animation company and now I have to wait until we have the money for me to move and he finds a place for us.
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