General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
my boyfriend of 3 years, kind of avoids the talk of marriage and has said that he isnt ready to do that yet, i cant help but think that he just doesnt want to marry me, or he isnt sure, he has also said that he isnt happy with his life, and that he wants to find the meaning to life, which makes me think that he just wants out of the relationship but is scared to leave..any advice?
My advice is to live your life on your terms, not someone elses. When I was dating, I had quite a few standards to guide me. These were rules that I and my boyfriends had to live up to.
For example, I wouldn't keep dating someone who cheated. If a guy cheated on me it was over.
Another rule was not to date any married men.
Another rule was not to continue dating any guy who hit me or mistreated me in any way.
There were other rules, but the one that applies to you was my rule not to date a guy for more than 2 years. Two years is long enough for two people to know if they want to be together. At the end of that two years was time to evaluate our relationship. If I didn't feel I wanted to be married to him or if I felt he didn't want to be married to me, then it was time to re-assess the relationship to determine it for what it was, rather than what I initially hoped it would be. There was no point in continuing the way it was if one or both of us didn't want to marry. I wasn't going to hang on to someone if I didn't want to spend my life with them, and I wasn't going to hang on hoping that's what he would want some day. No way was I going to stick around while a guy drags his feet. If he didn't know in 2 years time, I had to move on.
Take control. Right now you've put control of your happiness in his hands. If marriage is important to you to be happy, you need to tell him that and be prepared to leave if his answer is not acceptable. If he is important to your happiness and he won't get married, you're going to have to accept that to be happy with him.
If you think he just wants out, ask him point blank in such a way that he'll be honest. Trying to rope him into marriage if he does want out and just doesn't have the balls to stand up and tell you he does won't ever end in a hasppy marriage.
It's hard to move on from someone after 3 years--we all understand that. But we also understand that staying with someone who does not want what YOU want is a mistake. Imagine it is this way 3 year from now, or six years. You have NO idea whether he will 'come around" in a year or two, but the chances are that he won't. If he is unwilling to marry you now, he's just not interested in marrying you. Sad, but simple.
So, put on your big girl panties and tell him it's time for the two of you to go your separate ways. And I honestly recommend NOT marrying him even if he begs at this point. Why? Because he has demonstrated that ONLY HIS HAPPINESS really matters to him. He would be proposing marriage "under duress," that is, only b/c his comfy little world is being shattered. If he truly loved you, you would not have to leave to have him wanting you as his forever.
Hard stuff, but you will come through it a stronger, smarter person. No ultimatums; just separate and move on. Good luck.
3 years is plenty of time to know whether you want to marry someone.
You can't force someone to marry you, but you can dump them and find someone who makes you really happy and does want to marry you.
Frankly, I don't think you should want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you. You're better than that. I can say that without knowing you because everyone is better than that and deserves better than that.
Regrettably, as a younger man, I spent many years 'spinning my wheels' in relationships that I *knew* were going nowhere. I wasted valuable time, both mine and hers.
If 3 years in he is not ready for commitment, then probably you should move on.
It's hard to move on from someone after 3 years--we all understand that. But we also understand that staying with someone who does not want what YOU want is a mistake. Imagine it is this way 3 year from now, or six years. You have NO idea whether he will 'come around" in a year or two, but the chances are that he won't. If he is unwilling to marry you now, he's just not interested in marrying you. Sad, but simple.
So, put on your big girl panties and tell him it's time for the two of you to go your separate ways. And I honestly recommend NOT marrying him even if he begs at this point. Why? Because he has demonstrated that ONLY HIS HAPPINESS really matters to him. He would be proposing marriage "under duress," that is, only b/c his comfy little world is being shattered. If he truly loved you, you would not have to leave to have him wanting you as his forever.
Hard stuff, but you will come through it a stronger, smarter person. No ultimatums; just separate and move on. Good luck.
To add to Sisters359's statement, he will always hold it over your head if he feels breaking up with him is a ploy. As hard as it is, you have to mean it if you decide to break up with him. Don't play games. It's no more fair to him than he has been to you.
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need good advice! 
Re: need good advice! 
