General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been with my partner for about a year. She is wonderful and the relationship is great, good communication, mutual support, good sex...all is well.
When we met she was coming off of a divorce and was playing the field, having brief sexual affairs and not looking for anything serious. Despite this, we got serious very quickly, fell deeply in love, and she says from the moment she met me everything changed and she knew she wanted to be with me. She has never given me any cause to be suspicious or jealous. I knew about her "flings" but they didn't weigh on me as they happened before we met.
I did something very very stupid. She had her old Iphone out downloading photos, and I scanned through her old chats, thinking it would be cute to re-read some of our initial flirty conversations.
I found an exchange with the guy she had seen just before me, full of explicit pictures they had exchanged and very dirty talk, with her saying how much she wanted him to do various things to her. This exchange predated our first meeting, but still I can't get the images or what they said out of my mind and it's tearing me apart.
The worst part is, she contacted him once more after she and I had been on a couple of dates, used a joke that I had made that particularly delighted her to flirt with the guy, and said she would love to see him again. He brushed her off with something non-committal and there is no evidence there was any further contact between them.
I'm devastated. I thought we had something special from the beginning, but he was still on her mind and she wanted more from him. She has noticed I seem hurt and distant but I can't tell her what's wrong without letting her know I violated her privacy. I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
Again, there has been nothing at all past that point a few weeks into us dating to make me think she is anything but totally faithful and committed. I know my extreme reaction is irrational but I can't get past it. I'm losing sleep over those pictures, those remarks, her wish to see him again after we had started seeing each other. I don't know how to get this out of my head.
get over it! it was before you met and before you guys were really serious.
sounds like you could ruin a good thing.maybe be more agressive sexually with her send her a sexy text yourself! play the game and enjoy it. flirt with her keep the spak alive.
Many people feel something special but still hedge because even though they feel something special they might not be certain it will be reciprocated. Hedging for a couple weeks is nothing new, I'd chalk up that flirting to risk management. She probably felt so strongly about you that the prospect of your relationship not working out would have hurt her deeply at that point, and she likely was keeping this other guy on the hook in case she needed some diversion in case of emotional catastrophe. Look at it this way, she was giving you the time but keeping the other guy as a backup for sex and distraction.
Why didn't you read the old messages for fun on your phone instead of hers? I think you crossed a line of respect by doing that w/o her knowledge. Especially since it was before you two were serious.
If you go looking for problems, you'll find them. Forget about it. It had nothing to do with you and her.
Did you see any women prior to her? And have sex?
Although she should've deleted all that once you guys were in a committed relationship. Who keeps text messages for that long? I delete mine daily just to keep my phone un-cluttered.
I've been there... sort of. Wife had an old blackberry in the draw, I tried turning it on to look through and she snatched it away. I knew right away that it probably had stuff from her ex and she even hinted as such, and told me you don't want to see that.
It's natural to feel insecure over it, but you just have to forget about it. Don't bother bringing it up, even if you were not snooping. It won't acheive anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn
get over it! it was before you met and before you guys were really serious.
sounds like you could ruin a good thing.maybe be more agressive sexually with her send her a sexy text yourself! play the game and enjoy it. flirt with her keep the spak alive.
Completely disagree, worst thing you can do is try to compete with an ex. Just be yourself, it's you she fell madly in love with not this other guy.
I have experienced being on both sides of this issue in my current relationship. It sucks all around to know about a partner's past intimately and also to have your own come out. She probably regrets it and you making her feel bad about it does not help. Despite your feelings you need to be gracious. Show that you understand she had a past. As long as she has been faithful to you...don't worry.
Then think about things you have done before her that she does not know about... The things you don't want her to know....
I was in a very similar situation. Just reading your post brings back that sharp pain and queasy feeling.
I had to work on actively curtailing my thoughts. Whenever my mind drifted to those particular painful images, I had to FORCE myself to think of other things. It was hard at first, but got easier over time.
Still, it is impossible to 'un-know' at thing.
I can say that 4 years later, the things I learned and mental pictures that I conjured are still haunting me. In my case, the relationship never recovered. Where once we had (what I thought was) a satisfying and meaningful sex life, now there is nothing. Still, for us, there were MANY other issues as well.
I've been there... sort of. Wife had an old blackberry in the draw, I tried turning it on to look through and she snatched it away. I knew right away that it probably had stuff from her ex and she even hinted as such, and told me you don't want to see that.
It's natural to feel insecure over it, but you just have to forget about it. Don't bother bringing it up, even if you were not snooping. It won't acheive anything.
Completely disagree, worst thing you can do is try to compete with an ex. Just be yourself, it's you she fell madly in love with not this other guy.
not really advocating competing but am advocating uping his game soo speak.
wondering if he saw pic of the other guy and he was much bigger. that would be hard for most guys to see or know. espically if she made comments about his size and how she liked it!!!
I would take some of the sexual things she mentioned and make sure you do them with her--start laying down new images to cancel out the old ones, so to speak. Do it in a spirit of fun and love, not out of desperation.
And work on that obsessive thinking. Meditation works but it takes time to learn. It's also useful to just say (in your head) STOP when you catch yourself in that line of thinking, and plan what you will do. Just think "Stop, stop, stop, stop . . ." until you get your mind engaged on something else--playing a game on your phone, anything. This technique is very useful in the short run (and you need to learn meditation for the long run, if you want to be able to get peace of mind any time, anywhere, in your future). Even the stop thing is tough at first--you will feel like you are doing it every 5 minutes. But after a few days, you will find the thoughts intruding less and less. Keep it up. Good luck.
also, I don't think it is odd to have an old phone lying around. I have like 6. I didn't even know old chats, etc., might still be on them. She might not either.
Then think about things you have done before her that she does not know about... The things you don't want her to know....
See?
Do you think its a good idea to keep things from you're spouse?
You just have to get over it. Everyone has a past and its just that, a past. It makes us who we are and assuming our spouse likes us that can't be a bad thing.
I think you need to learn from this new information that will benifit the both of you.
See there is a need she has and as nasty as it is.
She may feel the need to give you a perception of being a "nice girl" but the knowledge of what you have, tells you a different side of her and I suggest you act on this need she has and fill it.
There nothing wrong with a "bad girl" as long as she has the commitment and boundries that will respect and protect the relationship.
So now that you know what she likes done to her you can fill that want. Think about it this way, better you fill it then some one else.
It's tough to find something like that after you've formed a committed relationship but you have to remember it was all before you and BEFORE you were in an exclusive relationship. Unless you two had a conversation on your second date about seeing only each other (which is doubtful) there is no reason for you to be so torn up about this.
She has had other flings as you know and agonizing over this one or any other is just going to cause a rift in an otherwise perfect relationship.
My question is, you know that you aren't the first person she's been with so why does evidence of such bother you so much?
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Snooping Regret, Ex Agony 
