Won't give straight answer about marriage after 3 years

Tigger · 12-05-2007, 01:29 PM

I have a big problem that hopefully I can get some help with.

I'm 30s and bf is late 20s.

We have been together for 3 years. I would like to get engaged and then get married. He doesn't seem to want to.

I brought up marriage with him the other day. After 3 years, I need to know where the relationship is going.

I tried to talk to him and he just got silent on me. It was terrible. He wouldn't give me any kind of answer other than he didn't want to right now. I asked if he ever saw us being married. Silence. I tried and tried to get him to say anything about it at all like reasons he wouldn't want to and reasons he does want to.

I finally was in tears and just got off the phone. I was upset all week and he didn't contact me for most of the week and when he did he acted like nothing was wrong.

I was seriously considering ending our relationship. I'm still thinking about it.

I went over to his place on Saturday. He failed to pick up on how upset I was and thought I was tired. He was trying to get all lovey on me but my body was just shut down.

Finally I said something and then once again he just went silent. I told him I felt we lived separate lives and I wanted our lives to come together. He said that we see each other every weekend. That is true but I don't want to be this guy's permanent date if you know what I mean.

I asked him how he truly felt about me and he wouldn't say a word. He then says you know how I feel. I said maybe I really don't know how you feel. I asked him if he loved me and he said he did and I asked him if I was an important part of his life and he said I was.

It was bad having to pry it out of him.

Finally things were a little better in my mind or maybe I should say I was a wuss and gave in as frankly the problem isn't resolved.

We had sex and then things were better the rest of the weekend. He really seemed to be trying. He made plans for us to spend the holidays together and did some other little nice things for me so those things were improvements.

One thing that really bothered me afterwards is we were talking and i don't remember about what but he said something about how he shuts me down or blanks me.

I always suspected he might be using his social anxiety to manipulate me with the silent treatment and then he slipped up and admitted blanking me. I didn't say anything to what he said.

I guess I am weak and he knows if he ignores me long enough I'll give in and things will go back to being his way.

So the question is, should I just take his silence as no he doesn't ever want to marry me and move on?

Anyone have any ideas of what I could say or do?

Delphi · 12-05-2007, 03:55 PM

You pretty much seem to have him figured out. He wants you around when it suits him but doesn't want to commit to you fully. He sounds incredibly emotionally withholding and far from the sort of person you would want to spend the rest of your life with.

You need someone who truly wants to be with you and who makes you feel good about yourself, not someone who manipulates you and undermines your self-esteem. The following link explains how some people have a 'lovestyle', or a way of relating in relationships, that is unhealthy for their partner (which seems to be the case with your man):

Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential) | Heartbreakers

draconis · 12-05-2007, 05:16 PM

You asked about him I think he gave you the answers. His silence is a way to let you know without saying as much he does no want to commit to you in the near future.

Even with problems in the relationship he'll take the sex and having a date.

You have expressed what you what and he will not even share with you how he feels.

Don't wait for him to change, he won't.

I can't tell you to leave him and find a match but I'll ask you this can you live the rest of your life like this?

draconis

Tigger · 12-06-2007, 12:53 AM

Thank you Delphi and Draconis.

You are right, no answer is an answer. I told him that too. I also said I shouldn't have to beg someone to say something.

He really isn't being fair or kind to me so I will have to end it.

jenny · 01-06-2008, 05:11 PM

Your situation sounds familiar. The writing is on the wall, but believe me, it is so hard to see sometimes. Especially, when you "we" are the kind of women who don't put our feelings first and try at all costs to make things right and ease the tension. Good luck, you are worth an answer.

SageMother · 01-07-2008, 08:59 PM

Way too many women go through this. If you have to ask him where things are going, you should be going right out of the nearest the door!

berlinlife06 · 01-09-2008, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SageMother

Way too many women go through this. If you have to ask him where things are going, you should be going right out of the nearest the door!

I agree. If you want marriage and he manipulates you so you give in to his ways, just get out of that relationship. You should be with someone that is in synch with what you want.

A Good Husband · 01-10-2008, 08:02 PM

I would add my consensus. Even from a guy's perspective, it doesn't look good. Refusing to talk is a really bad sign if you want the relationship to progress anywhere beyond where it is.

If you are looking for a long term commitment, I'd say this isn't it.

mollyL · 01-14-2008, 07:26 PM

I would just like to add that if your bf said to you tomorrow, "OK, let's get married" I think you should not marry him! He is a user and sounds like he enjoys getting you upset and afraid. Manipulative and a little sadistic...run, girl, run!
Getting a ring on this guy's finger isn't going to change him for the better; he is the way he is and it doesn't sound like he wants to change.. dump this loser.