General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This is my first post on the forum. I've been reading a lot of threads and there seems to be quite a few people that have tons of insight to offer people with respect to their marital problems.
I haven't posted my personal story yet, but I plan to when I'm ready.
I do have one question though. I have noticed the vast majority of response are to divorce if you aren't able to resolve all issues with your spouse.
Divorce IMO is messy, expensive and very detrimental to the children and the standard of living for everyone involved.
Provided that both spouses can work out a "compromise", has anyone considered other options to divorce? Co-habitation agreements, open marriage agreements or any other strategies to keep the family together?
That sounds like more trouble brewing! If I am thinking and going through with a divorce the last thing I would want is another man in the picture with my wife, Thats my 2 cents
Every circumstance is different of course. It all depends on how toxic the relationship is.
I just wonder if anyone has considered any alternative options if the only reason for divorce is "irreconcilable differences". Obviously if the relationship is severely dysfunctional, divorce would be the only option.
I find this site to be very pro-marriage...as a long as it is a loving and healthy marraige but many of the folks who come here talk of marriages filled with a lot of abuse (mental, verbal and physical), affairs, sexless marraiges etc.....to me all those are things that would probably end my marriage.
So if, for instance, someone comes here and tells of a long term sexless marriage and a LD spouse who doesn't care and talks and behaves in a cruel and unloving way...ending the marriage always has to be one of the options. Why would we suggest someone stays in a cr@ppy marriage... for the rest of their lives.
We only get one go at life... it should bring more smiles than frowns. We all deserve to love and be loved...
When I joined here I was hissing and spitting... even considering ending my 20+ yr marriage but some very good people here gave me a cyber hug and some wonderful advice and support.
We're still together and despite a few bumps on the road are working on rebuilding trust.
I only joined a few days ago and I have found a lot of very useful information. I've ordered NMMNG after reading about it here.
I plan to read that one, then a couple more that have been recommended.
My wife and I are in very similar situations to others here. There hasn't been any infidelity on my part ( or any in hers as far as I'm aware). We have however grown apart due to some trust issues she has. I feel divorce may be on the horizon for us.
I have read a little about co-parenting and co-habitation agreements before and want to be able to discuss all options "IF" the need arises.
I do appreciate any and all input. I agree that TAM is a great place.
I come here for a male voice.. I'm often blown away by the posts the men put on here.
Reading them has made me see my H in a different light and it has made me be kinder and more supportive of him.
I hope you will learn enough here (and elsewhere) to save/improve your marriage... what are you doing to bring you and your wife closer again?
When you say co-parenting and co-habitation...do you mean to live as separate people under one roof raising your children?
I have been learning quite a bit on the forum so far.
My wife has asked for "space" while she is sorting through her feelings, so not doing anything as of yet.
That is exactly what I mean by co-parenting. I think it could work in our situation. We really don't have a toxic marriage and have kind of lost the spark. We still get along great and do things together. Divorce just seems too extreme in our case.
An unhappy marriage can be more detrimental to children (to say nothing of the spouses) than an amicable divorce. However, at best, I don't see how two people living together, yet going their separate ways (ie dating others etc) could be a good example to children.
I think it's really hard, in real world situations, to go from being a married couple to just being a pair of individuals who happen to share children while living in the same house without really screwing everyone up emotionally. Separating yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and romantically from your partner is hard. I can only imagine it would be tenfold harder when you still see, speak to, deal with, that person each and every day in your home. And your children certainly will be confused by the "not a couple but still married, don't love each other, can't really be friends, involved with other people" situation that would arise. There's a reason couples who break up tend to not remain best friends and in each others pockets. It's just too painful, and someone always gets hurt.
I advocate doing everything in your power to make your marriage work, and work well. If, however, nothing can be done and the marriage is truly untenable, then divorce and one of you move out.
I understand that as well. I'm very concerned about the well being of my children.
We live in a great neighborhood, a beautiful home and close to a good school. They have many friends on the street.
Divorce would mean selling the family home (as there is no way either of us could afford to stay in it) and both of us having to move to somewhat undesirable neighborhoods. In essence, everyone's standard of living suffers immensely.
Not to mention the trauma of my sons changing schools and losing all of their friends. They are still very young (6&8).
No pain no gain. It is hard work, but saving the marriage and working on it like an exercise program to make it healthier is always (IMHO) the best path.
Divorce can be for some simply running away from it rather than working at it. The end result is only dragging those issue into other relationships and not really solving the core problem, which we all contribute to.
After the financial and emotional burdens, a study shows 5 years later that couples who divorced are less likely to be happier than those who stuck it out and worked at it.
No pain no gain. It is hard work, but saving the marriage and working on it like an exercise program to make it healthier is always (IMHO) the best path.
Divorce can be for some simply running away from it rather than working at it. The end result is only dragging those issue into other relationships and not really solving the core problem, which we all contribute to.
After the financial and emotional burdens, a study shows 5 years later that couples who divorced are less likely to be happier than those who stuck it out and worked at it.
That speaks volumes to me. In essence, "The Grass Isn't Greener"
Both my husband and I were divorced once before we married. Both our divorces went fairly smooth and was not expensive.
Since I had a child involved, I went ahead and got myself a lawyer. I paid roughly around 2,000 for my divorce. I did not ask for much from my ex h. I asked for a flat rate of $200 per month in child support. I took the child's and my clothing and left him with everything I owned. The lawyer and I went through visitation and requirements for my ex h to complete(drug therapy, parenting class, anger management, ect) before he was able to see his child, he agreed without argument. Once he completed the class, he had supervised visits for years before unsupervised. My ex has untreated bipolar. He uses drugs and is abusive. There was no way I was going to stay married to that fool. His behavior is worse now then 18-19 years ago when I divorced him. He stopped contacting my child at age 14, which is a blessing. My ex has major issues.
My husband paid 99 for his divorce. He did not have children with his ex w. It went smoothly and quick. They split their assets in half and parted their ways.
If neither of us divorced, we would not of married and would of missed out of our beautiful relationship towards one another. I absolutely adore my husband and he adores me. We've had a very happy and strong marriage these last 12 years. Truly, the happiest years of my life.
I agree that in abusive/toxic marriages divorce is the only option.
My W and I are very disconnected ATM. Her issues with trust are IMO a big part of it. She began shutting me down last summer and it's gotten much worse since her father died last fall. This week she mentioned Divorce and asked not to discuss it until next week (at the earliest) when she is on vacation. She doesn't want to be at work with swollen eyes.
I will admit, that my desire and physical attraction to my W has dwindled over the years. I made an honest attempt to pursue sex and intimacy with her in 2010-2011 and things were great. Wild sex a few nights every week. I was always looking forward to our next romp. I was beginning to gain the intimacy back and was loving it.
Then her father passed away and she kept pushing me further away. The morning he passed, I told her, her mom and her siblings to stay home with each other. I spent the day getting the arrangements made so they wouldn't have to deal with it while in shock.
She feels I didn't comfort her enough when he died. I certainly tried to, she pushed me away even at the funeral.
I honestly don't believe things are better after divorce. I know a few divorced people and for the most part they are miserable.
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Alternatives to Divorce? 
