General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
For the past three months my wife has been telling me she has not been on facebook or posting anything, Well Monday she left her account logged in, I looked at my profile and she had me restricted! Then I looked at her wall and seen all kinds of posts where men I do not know were bragging on how sexy she was and all that stuff, She posts new pictures daily just for this reason I believe,
Rewind back to 2008
I caught her in a affair, she said she was going to eat with friends but met another guy she met off of myspace, She swears she did not do anything but talk( I do not feel that is all that went on) But I never let her know I knew and I filed for divorce, and when I gave her the papers she broke down and had panic attacks, I left and went to work for the next two days and she called and wanted to talk it out, I agreed and I canceled the divorce because I believed her and for the past few years I have been trusting her again,
The main reason was for the kids, I have 2 daughters on 13 and one 7 the 7 year old is special needs and my wife can not take care of her by herself,
But today a good friend of mine told me he had heard that my wife was messing around with the basketball coach where my oldest plays ball, This is all rumor right now but I am really hoping it is not true, he has known about it for 3 weeks, he was not going to tell me until I told him I was having problems,
So I told my wife last night that I wanted her to close her facebook account and I would close mine, and we could work on making our marriage last, she was very defensive and said that talking to others guys is alright, I do not agree, She is not talking to me right now and I am really in a rut,
Did I go the right direction with this? What should I have done?
Based on what you have disclosed I feel she is still cheating on you if not physically then emotionally at least. It sounds like she craves attention from the opposite sex most affairs are caused by poor boundaries ie your ww feeling that it is okay to still contact and talk to men after she said that she would nt and then this rumour thing you mention I feel that you should maybe start mentally getting ready for the d card. I would suggest that maybe MC would be a good place to start and confront her on her behaviors and things you have issues with the talking to members of the opposite sex etc she has shown that she is untrustworthy in the past I feel that she still is now. I would talk to a an atty about possibly filing, get separate checking accts remove your name off joint credit cards etc if she refuses to change her behaviors suggest that she find a new place to live and then she can do as she wants and possibly file on her remember you are not divorced until it is final by doing these things you are showing her that you mean business
Talking to other men to get attention IS A PROBLEM when you are married. She should not be seeking this type of attention and should only want it from her husband. It all sounds like bad news and she is not being honest about her intentions. One thing I wonder is, why does she crave this attention? Is there something lacking at home? I'm not trying to make excuses for her but you don't say much about your relationship with her.
I suggest that you re-post this on the infidelity subforum--you will get tons of great advice
You can have it moved.
1) It sounds like you didn't hold your wife accountable for her cheating the first time. What consequences has she had to live with because of it? I'll bet not many. So you basically told her then that you don't care if she fools around.
2) there is NO REASON anyone in a committed relationship should have their spouse blocked from facebook, much less be posting sexy pics in order for their groupies to oogle, comment on, and probably get off on. NO REASON.
3) you are using your kids as an excuse. There are tons of options out there for special needs kids. I raised one alone for 5 years.
4) besides the above, what evidence do you have? She can deny (and she will, they ALL do) she's done anything wrong and you have nothing to prove otherwise.
5) the fact she isn't talking to you is fine. Let her not talk to you. You should also not talk to her, not engage her at all, NOT have sex with her, nothing. You've told her you won't accept what she's doing and she figures you'll give in like you did before eventually.
6) If you want more evidence of what she's up to, start investigating.
in reply to the top about our relationship, I thought it was great, been married 14 years, still have sex at least 1-2 times a week, but in the back of my mind I had not yet trusted her fully, Plus she got a gastric bypass 2 years ago and has lost alot of weight, I compliment her everyday whether she just wakes up or is cleaned up, She was my first true love in my life, It is gonna hurt alot more knowing that I have been wronged twice, shame on me, I have to communicate some with her about our kids, when to take them to the game, God I hate having this stuff weighing down on me
Thanks,
Jon
So, what consequences has she had to live with because of her first affair? Anything? Did she have to show you emails, give you passwords, show you her phone, bank accounts, etc? Did she apologize and beg for forgiveness? Did she do everything in her power to prove herself to you? Does she still do all these things?
She begged and told me she was so sorry for hurting me, That she swears that she just met and talked to him, Like I told her it dont matter because you MET ANOTHER GUY while being married to me, I had all her passwords dont know if shes changed them or not, But as for earning my trust, not really she was the same after about a week,
she left her account logged in, I looked at my profile and she had me restricted!
What reason did she give you for having you restricted?
Then I looked at her wall and seen all kinds of posts where men I do not know were bragging on how sexy she was and all that stuff, She posts new pictures daily just for this reason I believe,
She said talking to other guys is alright, but what did she say about posting sexy pictures of herself daily just to elicit attention from strange men while you, her husband, are restricted from her page?
Rewind back to 2008 I caught her in a affair, she said she was going to eat with friends but met another guy she met off of myspace, She swears she did not do anything but talk( I do not feel that is all that went on)
If you want the truth, ask her to take a polygraph.
I filed for divorce, and when I gave her the papers she broke down and had panic attacks
She's lucky you took her back. By showing her you wouldn't be a doormat, she gave up the other guy. But then you didn't enforce any boundaries for the past four years, and now she's back at it again.
The main reason was for the kids, I have 2 daughters on 13 and one 7 the 7 year old is special needs and my wife can not take care of her by herself,
I understand why you want to reconcile.
But today a good friend of mine told me he had heard that my wife was messing around with the basketball coach where my oldest plays ball, This is all rumor right now but I am really hoping it is not true, he has known about it for 3 weeks, he was not going to tell me until I told him I was having problems,
What are you going to do about this?
So I told my wife last night that I wanted her to close her facebook account and I would close mine, and we could work on making our marriage last, she was very defensive and said that talking to others guys is alright, I do not agree, She is not talking to me right now and I am really in a rut,
The issue is your wife's behavior. Closing facebook is probably a good idea, but it doesn't get at the root of the problem.
Did I go the right direction with this? What should I have done?
Not exactly the right direction, but you didn't screw it up too bad.
Focus first on the rumor of your wife messing around with the basketball coach. What else did your friend tell you about that?
she left her account logged in, I looked at my profile and she had me restricted!
What reason did she give you for having you restricted?
Then I looked at her wall and seen all kinds of posts where men I do not know were bragging on how sexy she was and all that stuff, She posts new pictures daily just for this reason I believe,
She said talking to other guys is alright, but what did she say about posting sexy pictures of herself daily just to elicit attention from strange men while you, her husband, are restricted from her page?
Rewind back to 2008 I caught her in a affair, she said she was going to eat with friends but met another guy she met off of myspace, She swears she did not do anything but talk( I do not feel that is all that went on)
If you want the truth, ask her to take a polygraph.
I filed for divorce, and when I gave her the papers she broke down and had panic attacks
She's lucky you took her back. By showing her you wouldn't be a doormat, she gave up the other guy. But then you didn't enforce any boundaries for the past four years, and now she's back at it again.
The main reason was for the kids, I have 2 daughters on 13 and one 7 the 7 year old is special needs and my wife can not take care of her by herself,
I understand why you want to reconcile.
But today a good friend of mine told me he had heard that my wife was messing around with the basketball coach where my oldest plays ball, This is all rumor right now but I am really hoping it is not true, he has known about it for 3 weeks, he was not going to tell me until I told him I was having problems,
What are you going to do about this?
So I told my wife last night that I wanted her to close her facebook account and I would close mine, and we could work on making our marriage last, she was very defensive and said that talking to others guys is alright, I do not agree, She is not talking to me right now and I am really in a rut,
The issue is your wife's behavior. Closing facebook is probably a good idea, but it doesn't get at the root of the problem.
Did I go the right direction with this? What should I have done?
Not exactly the right direction, but you didn't screw it up too bad.
Focus first on the rumor of your wife messing around with the basketball coach. What else did your friend tell you about that?
That's my plan, I have not mentioned it yet to her, I want to get hard evidence, it was my best freinds wife that told him, she knows another woman that has a child that plays with my daughter, I told her today I wanted to know exactly what she heard and who she heard it from, once I get that I will investigate the issue deeply before accusing her, I'm really hoping it is what it is hear say but I have that knot in my stomach telling me there's more to it,
The reason she restricted me on Facebook was to keep peace, she said she knew I would be mad, well common sense tells you that, it ain't right Posted via Mobile Device
Consider putting a voice-activated recorder in your wife's car. Use very strong velcro to put it under the seat where she won't know about it.
Also consider putting a gps in the car so you can track its whereabouts.
See if you can put a keylogger on her computer.
Check the frequency and timing of cell phone usage, see if she's making a lot of calls/texts to one number in particular, especially at odd hours like late at night when you're asleep.
See if the passwords to her email and facebook and any other accounts still work, then check for inappropriate messages. Make sure you look at messages sent as well as messages received.
Do not give your wife any further suspicion that you are unhappy with her behavior for now. Just drop it. If she asks about the facebook stuff, tell her you are not happy with it but you need more time to think it over. Do not let her know you are suspicious.
If you can get some of this in place, you should have your answer in a week, one way or another.
Hope for the best. But begin to prepare yourself for the worst.
It would burn my ass if I found out my S/O restricted me on FB. As in he would be finding new living arrangements. There is no good reason for restricting your spouse on anything, there are only bad and secret reasons for doing that.
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New Member- Am I doing the right thing? 
You can have it moved.
