Jellybeans

Yes, there are people who cannot forgive.

Nobody ever forgets.

If you are unhappy with him and do not see him making moves to show you he is committed to you, divorce him.

He is a serial cheater. That is the worst kind.

sad_angel

Thanks AFEH
I don't know what I am hanging on to cause I know it isn't a marriage without love / trust / communication. Right now all three are missing.
I just don't know what it is that I fear or why I can't say this is it.

sad_angel

Ano,

We don't have children currently. This has been another emotional issue. As the doctors have said I probably wont get pregnant on my own. That I'll need InVitro or along those lines. My husband says he is ready for children but just wants to have them naturally as he is convinced that we don't have the money for Adoption or InVitro.

That breaks my heart cause I believe if you have the will you will find away. I asked him before getting married how he felt about adoption and he said he would consider it. His exact words to me at one point last year was "I don't want to raise someone else child".

Great - glad we discussed this.

The other thing he does and stated last night that in his eyes is OK to do is raise his voice and yell. If I have something to say I am going to say it, if that means raising my voice and yelling then fine by me.

I explained to him that is disrespectful and how can he expect me to be open to talking when he is YELLING!!?!?!? He basically told me to get over it and deal with it that is how he is.

I am sorry -- if you truly love someone you show them respect. You don't yell and not listen to them.

He makes me CRAZY!!

SimplyAmorous

This man, from what you have shared here....is NOT worthy of "forgiveness". When we forgive, the one who has wronged us time & time again -through actions & hurtful words ...is ashamed of their actions and wants to make it right...wants to soothe and heal the hurt they caused,going out of their way trying to make up for the wrongs. They don't make excuses, and turn around and belittle more so...what you are clearly describing here.

Sometimes we need to forgive someone for our own sanity and health of our souls.. .but we don't require that we invite them back into our lives to keep demeaning and hurting us.... We love ourselves enough to move on from people such as these.....wish them well... but with another.

We all yearn to be in a loving relationship where we are respected, listened too, with faithfulness behind their words. He has proven he is not this sort of man...lying , hiding, trying to hook up with other women- then refusing to talk about it ... there is no transparency there ..... he speaks out of 2 sides of his mouth regarding children in the future, he has as much told you - live with the way he is -cause he ain't changing (the yelling & swearing).

You can't change a man like this... you can't make him love & respect you.......you can only pick yourself up off the ground, realize you deserve better than this.. .and leave him.

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"Love Good Blog"

Ano

This is a tough situation. It seems like a no win situation. Do you have anywhere you can go? Parents or siblings house? Maybe if you leave for a while it will knock him back to reality. If he doesn't seem like hes willing to change, then it might time to call it quits.

I'm sorry.

sad_angel

I know I am probably beating a dead horse at this point. I am just so confused between my mind that wants to believe he will change and be the man I thought he was and my heart that says there are things in this relationship that are just not right and I DO deserve better.

There is another thing he has brought up in the past two arguments and he has said that I should have told him is was being an ass and saying hurtful things. I didn't call him out on it ALL the time but I did on many occasions. I don't understand why he is thinking and saying it was my responsibility to tell him he was being hurtful?!?!?!

Or is it just another redirection away from the real issue?

I think it you love someone you don't intentionally hurt them and say hurtful things. I know people get upset but to do it over and over and over again.


Ano - I do have my parents I can go too.

Ano

You should go to your parents for a few days and see how he reacts.

And not to defend your husband...because I am NOT defending him. But, I have myself asked my husband to point it out to me when I get crabby. And I do it to him as well. Sometimes we don't even realize that we are being rude and we need to be stopped in our tracks. I know I am guilty of it. We never degrade each other or anything like that but when one of us is in a bad mood, we'll say to each other "why are you being so crabby, its not necessary". Sometimes pointing it out is enough to shake the mood off. At least for me. It stops me and makes me ask myself "why am i"...then I collect my thoughts and 97% of the time I lose my attitude.

I'm not a yeller but my hubs tends to yell sometimes..and when he does, I say "why are you yelling? You don't need to yell"... and he quickly changes his tone.


I can see there is still hope in you. I would recommend getting away for a while. Give yourself time to think about what you want. And give himself time to decide if he's gonna be more understanding or continue to be heartless. After all, he is the one who made this mess...and if he wants this to work, he needs to be willing to do -whatever it takes-.

If he persists on seeing you while you are at your parents, go to dinner with him..and then go back to your parents house afterwards.

He has a lot of work to do. Dont go home with him and let him get off easy. Make him realize that unless he changes, this is over.

sad_angel

Ano,

I am not 100% sure that there is nothing left. But I think what is left isn't enough to rebuild on. I was just thinking earlier in the week that it is weird how there are these serious issues and problems of the marriage yet it is strange how we are not arguing more. I am usually the one that is reactive to him. So as long as he is playing nice then I will. Maybe that is just an understanding we have.

I just think it is strange / weird.

I did want to work it out in 2009 and I couldn't "get over it" in HIS time frame. I honestly think that is what he believes. Since he has mentioned numerous times how much he has tried to fix all this. But his "fixing" was to ignore it, try to be Super Sweet Guy and it would all go away.

I got to the point after a few months that I was so depressed that I talked to him about how I felt I should talk to the doctor about going on antidepressants. His comment was you don't need those. It will get better.

I am not perfect - I probably shouldn't have listened to him and went to the doctor. Could that have helped the situation - maybe.
I probably shouldn't have held all the emotions in and been more open to talking. But he hasn't ever made me feel like I could. If someone that is suppose to LOVE you, how can they judge you. So overall I guess I feel I could have done things to help more.

But I also know that I just never had the true feeling that he was trying and wanted it to work out. He doesn't understand what he did and refuses to.

Ano

I also suggested aand antidepressants for myself..and my husband said the same thing as yours -- that I didn't need them.

In my personal situation I also had trouble opening up about my feelings because I got shut down every time. My husband even went as far as to tell me that I am trying to manipulate him and trying to make him feel bad...when all I was doing was pouring out my heart to him.

Essentially it was ALL about him. Even though he was the one who messed this up to begin with... he was still in a VERY selfish state of mind.

Like I said previously, it took me taking a stand against him for him to realize that I wasn't kidding. I needed this fixed or I needed to leave. That's when he changed.

It takes a lot of patience and work to get through this. Its a lot of heartache every day. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain and drawn own agony on my worst enemy. I haven't reached the end of the road...not even close. But I am certain that time (patience) heals most everything over time.

How much time? I don't know. All I know is things have gotten better for me....and worse at times...but the better out weighs the bad at this point. So I'm getting there. And you can too.

You said there may not be enough left of you guys to build on now. That may be so. I know if there wasn't a child involved, I would not have given him a second chance.

The decision is yours and yours alone.

Follow your heart.

Cosmos

How can you forgive someone who doesn't appear to think they've done anything wrong? He's betrayed you, shows an apparent lack of remorse, blames you and is emotionally / verbally abusive.

If you want to work on this marriage, OP, I would suggest MC.

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When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.