sad_angel

I need some advice as I am having problems in my marriage and feel it is closing quickly to the end.

My husband was unfaithful before we got married. I didn't know about it until 2 years later, cause I noticed he didn't seem emotionally connected so I started investigating. I told him many times when first dating to NEVER break my trust, I hold that close to my heart. I wasn't ever able to let go of the unfaithfulness in 2 other relationships I was in (those were in High School).

Quick Timeline:
We met in 2000
Married in 2005
- he was unfaithful with a co-worker and the reason was it was a mistake and he was drunk.
2007 - he seemed emotionally distant and I would ask what was going on and he would say work was stressful he had a bad day just general reasons. Intimacy went down of course and I asked he about that and he said the stress was making him tired.
I gave him his space and trusted him that things would pass and get better. They would and wouldn't.
2008 - 2009 Start noticing facebook post on the co-workers photos and compliments he was giving her (I wasn't getting very many). I questioned him on that and he said he was sorry and it didn't mean anything. I didn't believe him and that I when I found a whole bunch of things out.
2007 - he was on 3 different adult sites
2008 - there is another girl that comes into the picture - he says he met her before me but he was asking her to meet up for "fun".
2009 - Everything came out - he NEVER explained any of it.
But I decided to give him a chance and see if we can work through things.
2010-2012 - basically became emotionally and verbally abusive
2012 - here we are 3 years later and there is so much sadness / resentment / unhappiness / you name it it is there.

So my question becomes - are there some people that just can't forgive? Not that you can't move on but it is something that means a lot to have and when it is broken it can't be fixed with the person who broke it?

Open to other questions if more detail is needed on the relationship.

Thanks - Sad

ScarletBegonias

Don't be so hard on yourself. The things you listed are a LOT to forgive.
Personally I don't think i ever really mastered the forgiveness ability.When you mess up with me,I'm usually done or the love i had isn't ever the same or nearly as strong.

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sad_angel

It just hurts so much that he turns the blame on me that I didn't try hard enough. I REALLY did want it to work. But he never wanted to be open about what happened (not until last night which then some more excuses were he doesn't remember he let it go). So he blames me for not wanting to just let it go. I told him we were going in the right direction at one point and there isn't a set time limit for forgiving it comes with time. But apparently I wasn't fast enough for his timeline. But he screwed that up with becoming verbally and emotionally abusive.

I couldn't do anything right!

Got my hair colored the wrong color.
I shoveled the snow on the drive way wrong.
I have no "common sense"
I don't think thing through - I just do
I have dreams that are unreachable.
(I want 2 to 3 kids / pets and a house)
Raising he voice and swearing are NORMAL ways to communicate to him - if you don't like it oh well.

I just don't understand. I pretty sure I am not crazy!

wiigirl

This....love isn't a one way street, it takes two for it to be strong. It also takes two repair IMHO.
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This is me

Long list of resentment. Resentment is poison in a marriage. The cure for resentment is forgiveness. When we forgive we actually gift ourselves more than the person we forgive.

What do you want?

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Don't Give Up! Patience.

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sad_angel

If he cheated and it was a truly ONE TIME MISTAKE. I believe in my heart I could forgive him and we could have moved on and been strong or stronger. I felt love / compassion / supported.

I just think I can't keep forgiving cause it is costing me my emotions.

Ano

They say that forgiveness is a choice. By not forgiving, we are hurting ourselves more then its affecting the person who caused the pain.

I too struggle with resentment and forgiveness issues. Its been 2 years and 9 months and I still am in a hurtful place inside.

I rug swept...I didn't deal with the reality of things until maybe 6 months to a year ago...and now I'm finally facing everything.

I want to forgive. I really really want to let it go. But I don't know how.

People may forget what you said.
People may forget what you did.
People will always remember how you made them feel.

Hang in there. It does get easier. I've come a long way since the beginning...and I still have a looonnnggg way to go.

I'm still so hurt and angry, but when I stop and think back to where I was before, it gives me faith to know that I have made so much progress.

Trust will never be the same. The relationship will never be the same. And that's what kills me. That's what's killing us. Some weeks are great...and then other weeks I'm on a roller coaster of resentment and angry and depression.

I don't know that we will make it to the end. But there is too much invested into this to give it up without a fight.

My husband used to be like yours..he used to get angry when I felt like I needed to talk about it. He used to say "what do you want me to do about it, I cant change it"...and that hurt. That made me scared to open up about my feelings when I was stuck in that dark place. That made it worse that I had to hold everything inside and couldn't talk to him.

We were done at that point. It wasn't until he started to understand that I wasn't asking him to turn back time and fix his mistakes when I needed to talk about it. All I needed was for him to listen and not get defensive.

I can't even begin to tell you how much it helped me, helped us...once he started to listen. I didn't see how remorseful he was until this point. Calming and sadly telling me that this was the biggest mistake of his life, that he wishes he could go back and change it, and that he will do whatever it takes to to make this right. Those words changed everything. Those words gave me hope.

Now when I'm having a sad/depressed day...I will talk and he will listen. He doesn't get defensive and angry. He tells me that he is here and we will get through this together. And that has helped tremendously. (Note: when I talk about it, I dont throw it in his face, choose your words wisely. Dont use it against him, just tell him how you are feeling and how he can help).

I still hurt. I still have days and even week long spouts of resentment and depression. But I promise you that if you can get your husband to listen and reassure you that he is here to help and fix his mistake, your hope in this marriage will increase.

Good luck sweetie and stay strong!

Toffer

Sad,

As you've pointed out, there is more going on here than just the previous cheating.

He's emotionally and verbally abusive
He's constantly critical of all you do (controlling)

Seems like 3 strikes to me

Chris Taylor

You gave him a chance and it didn't work out. Time to bail on the relationship.

sad_angel

Ano - I have HUGE doubts that he will listen. I feel I have done everything I could. We went to a counseling session and he did go so that was a step in the right direction. But he really didn't want to be there and when the counselor suggested extensive communication sessions at $150 a piece for 10-12 session, my husband on the way home said it seemed "pricey" and we don't have the money.

How hurt I felt hearing him say that straight up meant "I don't want to work on things". Apparently, he assumed things would just magically get better with out real work.

Like you said you have up and down days and sometimes a period of a week. Mine doesn't understand that is part of the healing process. I told him he could be more supportive and nice. But I just get the false hopes.

DayDream

Forgiving a person for one instance of infidelity, being it a mistake or whatever, is fine. It gets harder and harder after continuous incidents of betrayal.

Sounds to me like you forgave him once, and he kept betraying your trust over and over again. What is that old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Something like that. Sounds to me like he's just not trustworthy anymore to you so forgiving is not so easy now. Whose fault is that? Who betrayed the trust here?

bkaydezz

They are choices.
I think you are forgiving considering the amount of time you have put into the relationship giving him more trust after he has lied to you.
I will tell you from experience being a cheater in my past relationship that once you do those things, your whole attitude changes towards the person you are with. I was always on edge and irritable with my life. Was it good before i had done what i did, in a sense. I wasnt full of outbursts and attitude and bitterness. I couldnt ever get past the fact that i had done that because i wanted a different life, all the while i kept trying to tell myself that i had wanted it. NOPE! (for me anyways).

I hope that you can tell him thigns need to change, you are going to give it a little more time and then maybe start a trial seperation and see where his feelings lye then!

rks1

I wouldn't want to waste another minute of my life with a spouse who thinks cheating is acceptable. I don't know why you tolerate it. It doesn't make sense to me to accept his cheating, and then spend years stewing and getting angry at him about it. When you found out about the cheating and saw that he really didn't even care about how you felt... that would have been the time to have said "You are so not worth my time and my life" and packed your bags and left. If you choose to stay with someone like that, then I don't know what kind of advice anyone can offer you. I believe in trying to stick through a marriage... but infldelity and abuse are intolerable. It is one thing if your spouse was begging for forgiveness the first time it happened, and took every step to ensure that cheating would never happen again. It's entirely different to continue to cheat and not even care about the fact that he is destroying you, without any remorse. If you don't see yourself as being worth more than to deserve that and still want to stay with him, then I don't really have much more to add.

AFEH

I’m one who fundamentally believes in forgiveness. But you are living with a man who has massively betrayed you not just the once but on a number of occasions.

The really big thing here is that he hasn’t shown you any remorse for the things he’s done or empathy and compassion for your situation. These things make the betrayals so very much worse.

And on top of all that he hasn’t apologised and isn’t at all willing to work with you to regain your trust.

To be perfectly honest I simply can’t see how you can forgive him. I think you are probably hanging onto everything because you fear a repeat performance and that’s why you wont forgive and give him your trust again.

Sometimes these things in marriage or not fixable no matter how much you want them to be. The man you are with is not stepping up to the plate with you. You know that for a fact now. What more do you need to know about him in order to let him go and start rebuilding your life?

Ano

We never went to counseling, though I think that it would help us very much if we did.

I was gone. I was leaving. I took our son and stayed at my moms for a week. I text him and told him that he can come pick our son up to visit. When he came, he didn't leave with our son. He stayed and hung out...and after a while asked if we wanted to go get ice cream. I agreed. We didn't talk about anything...just small talk and played with our son. When we got back to my mothers, he asked if I was going to come back home. And I did that night.

It took me leaving for him to understand that I wasnt asking him to move mountains. All I needed from him was love and support and for him to listen when I needed it.

I don't know if you have any kids..or if that makes a difference in working harder to fix things.

But I will say this....

My father worked out of the state/country for most of my childhood. My parents eventually split because of it.

My dad is a tough, emotionless, stubborn Italian man. But he will tell you that he lost his family over his job that he was unwilling to quit. He was hard headed and stubborn and told my mom that if he ever leaves his job, it will be because he wanted to and not because a woman asked him to.

Now when I was going through this mess, my dad was the first person I went to. And his advice to me:

How important is this family to you? Do you want this? Do you want this to work?

Of course I answered yes.

He told me.. then its worth the risk. Its worth trying as hard as you can. It might not work, but if this is important to you, then giving up and throwing it all away is not an option. No matter how bad it gets, you go till there is nothing left.


So Sad, do you truly feel like there is nothing left at this point?

Do you want this to work? And have you given it the fight of your life?

Are you prepared to walk away and truly know in your heart that you gave this every last drop of energy in your body to make this work?