Sleepless in Austin
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Old 07-22-2012, 08:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sleepless in Austin

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 months. He has back problems and he is need of a new bed. We have been having problems sleeping in the same bed. We tried having a sleep over once and it went horribly wrong. I ended up sleeping on the couch. A few weeks ago we went to Galveston and we shared a bed. It was a giant king size bed and we literally did not touch each other the whole night. I stayed in one little corner of the bed while he slept comfortably the whole night. I, on the other hand didn't get a lot of sleep. He has told me that he does need a new bed and he went bed shopping recently but the bed he wants is $1600. He said that right now he doesn't want to spend that kind of money. We have talked about me sleeping in the guest bedroom when sleeping over and I told him that was out of the question and I didn't want to do that.

Our relationship is perfect other than the fact that we can't sleep in the same bed. I'm worried because this is starting to become an issue in our relationship. I care very much for him and I want to marry him someday but I do not want to sleep in another room. What can I do??

I am trying to be respectful and understanding by not pressuring him about this bed. I do vocalize my frustration & unhappiness about having to be dropped off at my house at 2am. I don't know what we can do. What happens if him & I are together 3 years down the road and this is still a problem? Or worse, what happens if we get married and it gets worse?! Any and all advice welcome.
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Old 07-22-2012, 08:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleepless in Austin

It sounds to me that he hasn't gotten used to the idea of sleeping with the same person every nite
What kind of back issues does he have? I have a blown L1 S 5 and I have slept with my wife for the last 12 years
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleepless in Austin

Quote:
Originally Posted by In_The_Wind View Post
It sounds to me that he hasn't gotten used to the idea of sleeping with the same person every nite
What kind of back issues does he have? I have a blown L1 S 5 and I have slept with my wife for the last 12 years
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He may not be used to sleeping with someone else or it may be that you both need a different firmness to sleep comfortably (that's how my husband and I are).

I suggest either a sleep number with dual settings so you can each have the firmness you need, or if you take two twin beds and push them together you'll have a king size and you can each have the support you need from a different mattress.
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleepless in Austin

4 months? You do not know much about his real character yet. How does he behave under serious pressure? How does he behave when you have a serious issue--death of a loved one? How does he behave after a poor night of sleep? Does he lie to avoid conflict, or maybe "just because?" Is he generous in spirit, or more miserly? Nothing you've seen thus far is "evidence" because everyone is on their best behavior for at least 6 months (except the loonies, who can usually only manage a few weeks or so of "good behavior).

Slow down. Planning a wedding (in your head) at this point already suggests you are fantasizing about what a wonderful person he is. Let time pass before you decide he's the type of man you could spend your life with.
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Old 07-23-2012, 05:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleepless in Austin

I am guessing you are having sex in this same bed? Sounds like he just doesn't want you there all night? Do you hang around all day the next day? Do you work? I have a friend who has the same issue, men always making excuses why she can't stay the night, because she overstays her welcome and then they can't get rid of her. After only 4 months he still needs some private time. Or he just isn't to the level of commitment with you where he wants to wake up with you in the morning.

If it's honestly his back, though, how does it keep you from sleeping together? Does he toss and turn all night? I didn't quite understand that part.
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Old 07-23-2012, 06:10 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleepless in Austin

There is another post out here about MARRIED couples who do not sleep in the same bed. There are plenty of people who don't. Most will not share this fact because of the stigma society puts on it.

I just read an article that about 25% of MARRIED couples do not sleep in the same bed for varies reasons and mostly because of sleeping issues like snoring, high movement partners, stolen sheets, etc.

The same article talked about many new custom homes being built with two bedrooms in the master area.

Light sleepers have made it work with starting the night and then moving to a second bed when they can't fall asleep and returning in the morning with some time again.
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Old 07-23-2012, 06:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I've had this same problem with my husband and it does NOT bode well. I am a cuddlebug and he prefers his space when sleeping.

In the early days of our relationship it was exactly the same thing - every excuse in the book on why he could not just cuddle and fall asleep. Left me feeling quite rejected many, many nights.

*I* have back problems and have never had this issue in previous relationships. When it came down to it, my husband was just used to sleeping alone and preferred it that way.

We now cuddle when we first go to bed, but end up separated through the night. I guess it's a fair compromise.

Try talking to your boyfriend about this... It's much too early to have problems like these.
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Old 07-23-2012, 07:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you all for your replies.

He has Scoliosis and he has had the same bed for the past 7 years. The middle of the bed has sunk in the middle & it's very obvious when you look at the bed.

He's not a small guy (he's 6'5 which is vastly different from my 5'1 frame) and so he needs a big bed to sleep comfortably. When I tried sleeping over a month ago, it went horribly wrong. I ended up sleeping on the couch and the next day he went to see his chiropractor because he was up for the rest of the night in complete pain.

Sisters359: I haven't been planning our wedding in my mind. I do believe that he has been honest with me about who he is. He's a terrible liar (he stutters when he lies) so I know that he's not throwing game at me.

YinPrincess: I am like you. I love to cuddle in the morning. I don't move around a lot when I sleep. I don't take up much of my bed & I sleep like a rock. Him on the other hand, he moves around a lot and he has to have a pillow between his legs because of his scoliosis. He also wakes up easily. He likes for things to be completely quiet in the room in order to go to sleep. I on the other hand, grew up in a noisy house and therefore, I can't fall asleep unless there's some noise in the background. So he suggested a noise-maker like a white noise generator. I am not okay with sleeping in separate bedrooms and I don't want this to become the "norm" for us.

He is equally as frustrated as I am about this. He has asked his chiropractor for advice on this subject and his chiropractor agrees that he needs a new bed. I don't think commitment is the issue. We have met each other's families and friends. We talk everyday at some point unless we're both busy in which case, we let the other know about it.

I agree that it is too early in the relationship to be having this kind of problem. We talked about it last night after I emailed him a link to an article that offered suggestions to couples who have problems sleeping in the same bed and we found one of the bits of advice to be useful and so we're going to try this one out:

We would have a blowup mattress in his office and if one of us wakes up in the middle of the night due to lack of sleep then we could slip into the other bed without disturbing the other.

I am willing to try this idea out and see how it works out. In the meantime, he is going to put the bed on layaway and make payments on it. I hope him & I can find a middle ground for the time being. Has anyone ever dated someone with Scoliosis? I don't know much about the condition. I've done a bit of research on the matter but I don't know how to help with the sleeping part.
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Old 07-23-2012, 07:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I hope it works out for you, although I still wonder if it's mainly psychological? Of course the physical element will always be there, but does he WANT or TRY anything other than what he's used to? I can see how the height difference might be awkward. I have the opposite problem with my husband - he's too close to my height which makes things a little uncomfortable sometimes.

Funny you mention the white-noise generator... I have to have a fan on when I sleep. If it's too quiet I'll be up ALL night! LoL!!
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:03 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I have scoliosis and degenerative disc disease. I go to physical therapy 3x a week (which barely helps). I have NEVER had a problem sleeping jn the same bed as someone. I just can't cuddle to fall asleep as it is extremely uncomfortable and I'll wake up as cranky as I am sore (bad combo).

It does sound like he needs a new bed, but the indent is in the bed whether you sleep with him or not. I too think there's more to this than a bad back. FYI out of all the things they've thrown at me for my back, exercise helps the very most. He may be more sore that usual at first but when he strengthens his back muscles and does some great stretches on a regular basis it does help the pain a lot and a great workout routine will help him sleep better as well.
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