General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok, this is my first time posting, but I have this ongoing problem in my marriage in that I don't trust my husband. Here's why. In February, on Valentine's day, I found out that my husband had been talking to another woman (who was a close friend to both of us). Anyway, I found out that they would sit up at night sometimes until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning text messaging or talking and this was apparently going on since October of last year (at least that's what I found from the phone records). Then he tells me that he's seeking advice from her regarding problems in our marriage, problems that I didn't even realize we were having. After I found out I was naturally upset, not only because he spent hours on the phone with her after I was sleeping, but because they were also talking about our relationship. He also has been going out everynight, he's either going to bars and restaurants with is friends, to the gym, going out for coffee, taking a walk around the block. He doesn't usually leave until 9 or 10 at night and then the nights he goes out with his friends, he wanders in the house between 1 and 3 in the morning. The nights he goes for coffee, he's usually gone for 2 hours. The nights he goes to the gym, he's gone for 2 1/2 hours. He's always looking for an excuse to get out of the house. We have two children and they have asked "why does daddy go out every night." I really don't know what to tell them. So, I found out that when he was leaving the house he was calling and texting the other woman. So after I confronted him with this information, he said ok, I'll leave my cell phone at home. So he did that 2 nights in a row and after the second night, I told him just take your phone with you and he refused. So know I'm thinking he has another phone and sure enough the next morning, I find another phone hiding in the bathroom. I turned it on and the only call placed on that phone was to the other woman the night before. There was no other call history on the phone. I confronted him the next morning and without telling him I found the phone, point out blank asked him if when he left the house last night if he called the other woman. He said "no." I asked him again and he of course said no. So I told him I found the phone that he used to call her and he said "what phone." I said the phone you hid in the bathroom. Then he gives me this story about the phone being his boss' phone, that it was left in the car the day before and he needed to give it back that day. Well, I just can't believe it, however I haven't seen the phone again. So anyway, I sat down and had a talk with this other woman and told her how I felt. She said she respected that and that she felt like she was caught in the middle. She said she and my husband were just good friends and that nothing was going on. She said she's been with her husband for 15 years and would never do anything to jeopordize her marriage. Anyway, I just found out that they joined the same gym, and when my husband says he's going to the gym, he takes a shower before he goes, which seems quite odd to me. So since February, we can't seem to get along, he says he doesn't know how he feels or if he wants to work on repairing our marriage. He says he's been miserable for the past 10 years, that he's spent 18 years trying to make me happy and he's not going to do it anymore. He wants to go out and have fun and do what he wants to do. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again and he says he doesn't know what he wants to do. So I guess my question is, what am I suppose to do?
My thought - emotional affair (if not physical, but with him "going out" all the time that seems suspicious). Unfortunately I think the ONLY resolution is to break off contact with the other family completely. I know she is your friend too, but if she was your friend she would step out of the picture to save your marriage and not hang on to him. Same goes for him...the marriage should be more important than the friendship.
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Re: How to regain trust in husband
Quote:
Originally Posted by TNgirl232
My thought - emotional affair (if not physical, but with him "going out" all the time that seems suspicious). Unfortunately I think the ONLY resolution is to break off contact with the other family completely. I know she is your friend too, but if she was your friend she would step out of the picture to save your marriage and not hang on to him. Same goes for him...the marriage should be more important than the friendship.
Very likely an EA at the least. Do you trust that TOW is telling you the truth? Your husband obviously is not.
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Since he is so intent on finding an excuse to leave the house so often, I think the relationship has crossed the line from simply emotional. His actions would lead me to believe he is involved in an affair. Of course the other woman would say nothing is going on...as you said, she doesn't want to jeopardize her marriage. A true friend of yours would not be carrying on with your husband in this manner and behind your back. She is not your friend.
I would draw a very definite line in the sand...all communication with this family has to end. Also...husband needs to make a choice...does he want to be married or single? Because married men with families can't spend all their time away from home. Either he wants to work on your marriage, go to counseling, and spend time with his family or he doesn't. I believe both of you need some amount of individual time to go out with friends, hit the gym and have some fun, but he is wrong for taking it to the extreme.
Either he wants to be married and have no contact with the other woman, or he doesn't. Decide what you want and then tell him he has a decision to make.
I forgot to mention that he works with her, and he has already said that the friendship is very important to him, and she of course has said the same. He would never give up the friendship.
This is what he said to me today: "Even if I wanted to leave the marriage, you know I can't, I wouldn't have anywhere to go, plus I can't afford it and you know it." He says: "Do I want to leave, no I don't. I can't go on living like this either." He says that I have been trying to find things out to catch him in a lie and that I have found nothing recently. (Yet he still leaves the house at 9:00 p.m. and calls her and he call's her or text messages her first thing in the morning after I leave the house for work). He says, we're not the same people we used to be when we got married.
What kind of response is that "Even if I wanted to leave the marriage, you know I can't, I wouldn't have anywhere to go, plus I can't afford it and you know it."....umm hello, if he loved you and wanted to work on the marriage the response would be more along the lines of...."Honey I love you, and I want to be with you when we are 90. Lets go to counseling and start working on our problems." I read his response as, well I don't want to leave because it would make my life to hard and I like the comfort/security zone I have hear with you and still being able to go out and do you whatever I want for fun.
If you file the divorce, he doesn't have a choice but to leave the marriage - he will then HAVE to find somewhere to go and afford to pay child support....if he doesn't want that to happen, the other woman has to go except for work communication and I would encourage him to find a new job if he can (yeah I know economy sucks) - but you have to tell him to choose - her or you....he can't have both, and if he won't do it then I say file for divorce and see if that gets his attention, sometimes its the step of filing that will wake him up
He doesn't get to have everything...his family AND single life independence, his wife AND girlfriend, his comfortable life AND disrespect for you. That's pretty twisted.
I would take control here. I would give him one choice...her or me. And if he would not cut off contact with her and agree to counseling to try to repair the marriage, then I would definitely start legal separation proceedings. Either me and the children would be gone, or his stuff would be packed and on the curb.
His attitude and behavior are completely unacceptable to me.
lglmgr36, I was in almost the same situation with my wife. She has a friend that she texts/talks to almost every waking moment. It started at the beginning of January and it go to the point where she was sacrificing our alone time to talk to him. I had even talked to TOM and he ensured me there was no "Impropriety" on his part. I finally got fed up and asked if anything was going on and she said no but from previous experience I knew there was more to it. I installed a key logger on our computer and found emails that he had sent her which were inappropriate and also an email she sent to a friend that said she did have feelings for him. I gave her a few opportunities to come clean before I mentioned the emails but she kept denying it. I then told her I had seen the emails and at that point she said it was over, which I whole heartedly agreed with since I couldn’t live with someone who could lie to me and use me like that. We'll be filing for divorce here in the next month or so.
You need to talk to your husband and tell him he needs to decide who is more important, the friend or you. If they are truly just friends then there shouldn’t be any problem with him stopping the communication, at least for a while so that the two of you can work on your marriage. Counseling, as the others mentioned would be a big help if he will agree. If he doesn’t agree to that and not talking to the friend (again, at least for a while) then you'll need to decide what is right for you.
I'll say this too, if there is more than just friendship between him and the friend then there might be something that maybe he isn’t getting from you that started this. Now I know I don’t know you and I am definitely not accusing or taking away from his behavior but just speaking from experience I realize now that I didn’t pay enough attention to my wife and that we both needed things to be able to connect in our lives and at least for my part I wasn’t doing that. Unfortunately for me it was too late to do anything about it before I knew there was something seriously wrong (TOM). Not that she is completely innocent (far from it) but there is things we could have both done to make our marriage stronger, she just decided she didn't want to try anymore. Hopefully here you will still have that chance (if indeed there is something going on).
Been there done that. Two psychologists told me this. Give your husband 24 hours to decide. Cut off all contact with the other person and immediately start INDIVIDUAL councelling or tell him to move out and file for divorce. Individual councelling is best as he will open up about this affair. And yes, this is an emotional affair at the very least. He may be having a physical one as well. Stop talking to this other woman. She doesn't give a DAMN about you, your family or hers. People that do this only care about THEMSELVES! Give your husband these options and show him you are not a doormat. He treats you like this because you LET HIM. I know how hard this is going to be for you. My marriage is over after 16 years. No children though. Once I stopped and looked around and thought, if you want this skank go for it. I took myself out of the game. NO MORE I thought. Divorce is hard but not respecting myself was worse. Good Luck honey and stay strong.
Ok. So I've been asked if I love my husband. My answer is yes I do. He didn't always act like an idiot and we've had plenty of ups and downs over the last 18 years and we managed to get through them. While we have both changed over the years, that happens when you get older, mature, have children, responsibility. I really think he's going through some kind of mid-life crises. He turned 40 in February, we've had financial difficulties, and my daughter was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 6 years ago (which has been a hell of ride). I think he's just stressed out, so he's looking for something to forget about his problems. Maybe he should just have a drink. Maybe I'm just being stupid, maybe I just need to wake up and see what's really going on, however the last 18 years of my life have revolved around my husband and the last 10 around my kids and my husband. However, with his current and continuing attitude I am about ready to walk out the door.
18 years is a long time and I understand it's hard to even think about losing that. But make sure you stand up for yourself. Mid-life crisis or not, show your husband that you require respect and absolutely nothing less. No matter what his problems are, his lack of respect for you as his wife and the mother of his children is disgusting! Your children are learning what a marriage looks like, and how to treat their spouses by watching the marriage between you and your husband. Don't let him teach them that this kind of behavior and disrespect is acceptable. Give him one opportunity (RIGHT NOW!) to make a choice between you or the other woman.
Well you need to tell him to end contact with TOW or move out you arent comfotable with their relationship and your marriage should be first in his life you are his wife and should be his first responsibilty you need to set boundaries and if he cant respect them he should move out so then you call his bluff make his life hard for awhile and maybe he will change his ways if he sees he has a chance of losing everything he might turn around and start to contribute to his marriage again this is a very hard thing to do probably the most hard thing you ever will do but this is known as tough love and it shows him your confident side wich is a way to make your partner want to move towards you this is my advice but should be thought out very carefully you may want to get advice from a councelor on your own well good luck be strong
How to regain trust in husband
- he will then HAVE to find somewhere to go and afford to pay child support....if he doesn't want that to happen, the other woman has to go except for work communication and I would encourage him to find a new job if he can (yeah I know economy sucks) - but you have to tell him to choose - her or you....he can't have both, and if he won't do it then I say file for divorce and see if that gets his attention, sometimes its the step of filing that will wake him up
