Need advice and have NO friends I can trust...

Imissme · 07-22-2012, 04:19 PM

Hello, Let me first thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Here is my story....
I met my husband 4 1/2 years ago and got married within a month. I always do that. Rush in. When I met him I had my oldest son and he had 2 other sons from a previous marriage. We both decided we didnt want anymore kids. We used to go out together ALLL the time. He invited friends over. We went out to drink, and sex was great! I was the freaky one

After being together for about 9 months, he started begging me to have a baby, and swore he would help me. I had a baby. During the delivary he went home to sleep

and came back right when it was about to be baby out time. I let it go. Now two years later, he hasnt helped me with the baby for ****! Besides that, he has taken up 2 new expensive hobbies, jeep crawling and hunting, for which has spent tons of money that we dont have, I end up recycling cans n ****, he is gone days at a time for hunting and jeeping. When i say something he comes at me with "get a better job so we wont struggle" He works 5 days a week, I work 2 because that 2 year old son we have has add and not alot of ppl like watching him including his father.Because of all that sex is so sexless, He lasts like 2 minutes and thats it. So it feels like a chore now, he doesnt care about my needs. Everything I was attracted to him for befor is gone. He no longer hangs out with me like he used to, "i dont like to drink" is what i hear, so wtf did u do it b4??? Everything is hunting or jeeping. He isnt cheating, I honestly dont think he can. To sum it up I am married to such a selfish man, I cant talk to him. What do i do?? I've been craving some attention and sexual satisfaction. But when he kisses me it erks me!! I swear!! I have so much anger and disappointment built in, what do i do?? am i wrong for feeling like this??

cjpa · 07-22-2012, 08:52 PM

You are definatley not wrong for feeling like this, the relationship has let you down, HE has let you down, and I bet you feel like he pretty much "scammed" you. You admit you did rush into the marriage and baby, and if you stayed with him longer you probably would have known how it would turn out (like my case, he became a total slacker after 6mos. so I am SO glad we didn't get married yet. But you have a right to be happy and have a fulfilling relationship, and if he isn't willing to contribute that is very wrong. Would you try MC? And you say you can't talk to him but have you really tried yet? Just asking because I don't know if you have. Try communicating to him just how unhappy you are--talking not screaming--, have an adult conversation and see if he is willing to shape up...or ship him out!
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docj · 07-23-2012, 12:29 AM

Get out.before you harm him. You thi.k sitting down.and having an adult conversation with him will.change wat hasnt been changed?????lets get realistic here. Leave and let him win you back. Its not going to get.better. Ont delude yourself.
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EleGirl · 07-23-2012, 12:46 AM

How much time do you spend taking care of his children from the previous marriage while he’s out playing?

He’s a grown man and should know that he has responsibilities to you and your child. So you should not need to tell him what he should be doing.

But you are good person and you told him what you need. It sounds like you have told him this many times. He blows you off. If he does not want to drink, surely there are non-drinking things he can do with you.

Do not discount the idea that he might be cheating. Does he have a cell phone? Use the computer? Is his cell phone password protected? Do you see what he does on the computer? Generally if a man is not having sex with his wife, he’s having it with someone. Do some investigation.

But at this point, I think that your only choice is to file for divorce. I know that you want your marriage to work. But he’s not paying attention. Filing for divorce will get his attention. Remember that a divorce can be stopped at any time up to the day that the judge signs the papers.
Talk to an attorney about your rights and have him served. Do not warn him. Have your attorney file interim legal/physical custody giving you 100% custody (or as much as possible) of your child. Also have y our attorney file for interim and emergency spousal support. I don’t know what state you live in.. in some states it can be as high as 50% of his income for interim support. Then do whatever you can to stretch out the divorce process.

Now he will not have the money to blow on his new hobbies. He will realize that you are his wife and you have rights. And he will realize that he has responsibilities to his child.

Does he pay support to his ex for his other children?

cjpa · 07-23-2012, 05:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EleGirl

How much time do you spend taking care of his children from the previous marriage while he’s out playing?

He’s a grown man and should know that he has responsibilities to you and your child. So you should not need to tell him what he should be doing.

But you are good person and you told him what you need. It sounds like you have told him this many times. He blows you off. If he does not want to drink, surely there are non-drinking things he can do with you.

Do not discount the idea that he might be cheating. Does he have a cell phone? Use the computer? Is his cell phone password protected? Do you see what he does on the computer? Generally if a man is not having sex with his wife, he’s having it with someone. Do some investigation.

But at this point, I think that your only choice is to file for divorce. I know that you want your marriage to work. But he’s not paying attention. Filing for divorce will get his attention. Remember that a divorce can be stopped at any time up to the day that the judge signs the papers.
Talk to an attorney about your rights and have him served. Do not warn him. Have your attorney file interim legal/physical custody giving you 100% custody (or as much as possible) of your child. Also have y our attorney file for interim and emergency spousal support. I don’t know what state you live in.. in some states it can be as high as 50% of his income for interim support. Then do whatever you can to stretch out the divorce process.

Now he will not have the money to blow on his new hobbies. He will realize that you are his wife and you have rights. And he will realize that he has responsibilities to his child.

Does he pay support to his ex for his other children?

I couldn't disagree with this post more. File for divorce just to "get his attention"?? Yea her husband has been a real jerk but from what she has said it sure doesn't sound like filing divorce would solve the problem--why don't we just all get divorced every few years and start over rather than having honest open communication with our spouses?! Now there's an excellent approach.

And if a man is not having sex with you then he has to be getting it somewhere else?? Men are FAMOUS for getting bored with sex soon into a marriage. Men are in their prime in their 20s, women their 30s and 40s. Generally. Yet another area you aren't communicating to him about I am guessing.

Me, I say at least give it your all, because I haven't read anything that says you have yet, and if he still won't shape up, then by all means move on. People can take others for granted very easily, that's one of our not-so-proudest traits, husbands and wives not excluded. TALK to him.
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This is me · 07-23-2012, 05:49 AM

It is clear from reading your post that you have built up much resentment. Resentment is poison to a marriage. The cure is forgiveness if you want to save your marriage.

Since you both jumped in only after a month taking time to think things through is likely not they way you both operate.

Patience and working with a good marriage counselor is the solution. Have you discussed doing MC? If you decide to MC agree up front to only stay with one that you both can agree to working with. Your marriage is worth it.

Some people believe divorce is the simple answer. I disagree. Work on if for you and the kids.