General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
What does it mean if you ask your spouse to do something that would be helpfull to YOU and they neglect to do it?
A few weeks ago we had a massive blow out. We made it up and one of the things he asked was what could he do to help me feel better about things?
I thought this is a great question coming from him. So I gave him something concrete and tangible: I would like him to text me whilst he is at work, tell me he misses me or cannot wait to see me later. You get the gist.
So, three or four weeks later, has he done it?
No. Not once.
I brought it up today. His response was one of immediate defensiveness. "Right then, I'll do that around my really heavy workload and everything else I have to remember in the day then."
I KNOW full well that he can spare a minute for a text. He can find time to message about other mundane stuff. But not this.
There is a recurring theme. He asks me what we can do to make things better. I say something. He then either does it for a week or two then stops, or does not bother at all. His reason is ALLWAYS that he just forgot. He does not think about the things I think about and they aren't at the forefront of his mind every day. Well they're not at the forefront of his mind EVER by the looks of it.
I thought this is a great question coming from him. So I gave him something concrete and tangible: I would like him to text me whilst he is at work, tell me he misses me or cannot wait to see me later. You get the gist.
I get the underlying frustration on your part, but if my wife was, in essence, forcing me to text and tell her that I missed her and couldn't wait to see her, then I might feel a little put upon and maybe even resentful, especially if things have been tense. Not that you don't deserved to be told by your spouse that you are missed, and so forth, but you see where I'm going with this.
You might have wanted to be straight-forward in your request, but it has to come from the heart-he has to want to do it and not be told specifically what words you want him to express. If you were that literal, then to him it sounds like you are barking orders to him that he has to say this or that instead of letting him display his affection towards you in his way.
Maybe if you had said something like, "You know, it would be really nice to hear from you during the day sometimes, just to see how you're doing..." then perhaps you might have gotten a different result?
I don't remember your back-story, but I know that I've followed one or two of your threads and seem to remember that things have been pretty rough for you, so I don't know if my "advice" is going to be of help, but there it is.
I understand. My intention was based on his past words: if I want something then to just ask for it. I have in the past been a bit vague with my communications which has led to problems in him knowing what I want. He has stated many many times to "just tell me" exactly what it is I want from him with stuff like this.
He does text me some days. Some days he doesn't at all. I do not think I can ever remember him saying he would miss me without me actually *asking* him if he would. I guess deep down my need to know this is mixed up with my esteem issues from his EA. It is complicated to explain. The gist of it is that I often feel very low down on his list of priorities. He also often seems intent on showing affection in particular ways, which is sweet, but goes out of his way to purposely NOT show affection in the way I would like (ie quality time.) I feel very taken for granted and often like it hardly matters if I am home or not.
" A man is only as good as his WORDS. If his word is no good....."
Then what?
If my wife asks me to text her during my busy workday to reassure her,how hard can that be?
The OP didn't ask her husband for a dozen roses........
Maybe there's a little reading into things on the part of the OP. She reacts as though the husband committed a deliberate act. She's probably just looking for love in a language that he's weak in.
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The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
MAYBE.... you text something positive to him.... and he will learn to reply in a thoughtful, caring way. If sweet talk is not his strong point, then it will take some time.
Maybe he doesn't miss you? He's at work and it's busy...
I used to hear from H all day every day at his old job because it was slow and boring and lame. Now, I don't hear from him at all because he's so busy and I don't mind at all. I see waht you're saying, but maybe he simply doesn't miss you....not being a turd, but he's just busy.
I understand. My intention was based on his past words: if I want something then to just ask for it. I have in the past been a bit vague with my communications which has led to problems in him knowing what I want. He has stated many many times to "just tell me" exactly what it is I want from him with stuff like this.
He does text me some days. Some days he doesn't at all. I do not think I can ever remember him saying he would miss me without me actually *asking* him if he would. I guess deep down my need to know this is mixed up with my esteem issues from his EA. It is complicated to explain. The gist of it is that I often feel very low down on his list of priorities. He also often seems intent on showing affection in particular ways, which is sweet, but goes out of his way to purposely NOT show affection in the way I would like (ie quality time.) I feel very taken for granted and often like it hardly matters if I am home or not.
Ok, things make way more sense to me now. You are very insecure, and rightfully so. But he's not listening to your needs/wants because he doesn't really want to do it. Just my opinion, of course, but if I had an EA on H and he needed some texts throughout the day to reassure him, and I was remorseful...then holy crap! He'd get texts.
Ok, things make way more sense to me now. You are very insecure, and rightfully so. But he's not listening to your needs/wants because he doesn't really want to do it. Just my opinion, of course, but if I had an EA on H and he needed some texts throughout the day to reassure him, and I was remorseful...then holy crap! He'd get texts.
You see, this is what I would LIKE to think he thinks.
It is obvious he doesn't.
He has this power, in his hands, to be able to make me feel reassured and important to him, to show he thinks about me and foster a real bond between us. Yet he chooses repeatedly to forget or just not bother, then be irritated when I show any signs of insecurity or irritated if I bring it up.
I messaged him yesterday. Said I missed him when he went back to work after the weekend and it is lovely havibg him around. Added after "please don't just say "me too"".
He replied back "me too, yes I miss you too baby."
I am all for spouses trying and appreciating the effort even if it sounds awkward. However this is one that I think has to come from him from the heart. Prompted just does not sound the same. Posted via Mobile Device
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The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
I thought I would be. I can only say that had he offered that sentiment of his own accord it would have meant the world. I know he did what I asked but in retrospect I wanted to hear it because he felt it, not because he was ticking it off on his list.
I guess I have to face facts that it is not going to come from him spontaneously. That's mine to deal with. Posted via Mobile Device
I totally agree with what you are saying, that you want it to be his sentiment. However, I think that you should thank him for sending that text and continue to send him the occassional text saying how you feel and if he texts you back, let him know that you appreciated it. Then he may start doing it on his own...sometimes we all need a little help remembering to do the little things for the people in our lives.
Not sure if it was mentioned here in this thread, but you should get the Five Love Languages by Chapman. Great insight on what makes you tick, and what makes your husband tick. When you speak one another's language, things become much simpler.
There is a thread by SimplyAmorous started here about this very thing. Check it out!
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He asks me what I want then ignores it? 
