sad_angel

So in the past few weeks I have been on here posting different problems within my marriage and there are many.

There was infidelity / verb & emotional abuse.
Over the past week we have had some pretty intense arguments.
Where yet again he doesn't hold back on the hurtful things he says. He tells me now it was in the heated moment but he hasn't apologized for them. Is that weird not to do?

If he truly didn't mean how it came across wouldn't you apologize?

Example: "I was checked by the doctors and I am FINE, it is YOU that has the problems with not getting pregnant".

I mean for any female hearing that isn't easy. But it isn't like he hasn't known that is was going to be difficult to get pregnant.

Which brings me to the tough question. Last night there was another argument. Out of the argument came again that he doesn't want to adopt a child. Says it is TOO expensive and we would be in it for $100,000 before we even got the child. I asked he right after - did you look into ALL this?

He says NO - you watch movies on TV and read stories online!! I just sat there stunned not knowing what to say. Thinking WOW - but I can't argue with that cause he is NEVER wrong. But now thinking about it, TV is going to show you the most emotional string tugging they can. Stories online are going to be the same. Not ALL adoption work that way.

So the question: Should I do Marriage Counseling if he is set on not adopting? I also think he has strong feelings against InVitro.


To me I feel it should be something we both look into and determine what to do or what is best. But I feel strongly about trying to have a child no matter what road we decide to go down.

Would love some thoughts on this. I know some say you just can't compromise on children.

A Bit Much

Marriage counseling won't change his mind. If he doesn't want to adopt a child, he doesn't want to adopt a child.

IMO you should respect his views as much as you want him to respect yours. You two just don't agree on how to go about this. That's the bottom line here.

As for your first question... is it weird not to apologize for hurtful comments? NO. If you mean it there's nothing to apologize for. Heated moment or not. Just because it was said in anger doesn't mean he didn't really feel the way he did.

Acorn

I didn't read the backstory on previous issues but if you are going to approach the decision of having a child together, you really can't come at it from "I feel strongly about trying to have a child no matter what road we decide to go down." That's a mindset that you've already decided and you are waiting for H to fall in line.

I don't think it would be unusual for him to react poorly to that approach. It doesn't sound like he has the same drive toward having kids as you do, and if the marriage starts focusing on this for long stretches of time, he's bound to build up resentment eventually.

It's fine if you must have kids, but you have to be open to the idea that you can't have kids and H. It might be one or the other.

thunderstruck

I don't know the current cost for adoption, but I assume it would be pretty easy for you to get a range. A couple of family members did it through China a few years ago, and they paid somewhere under $25K.

I think that the two of you need to learn to communicate with each other, plus work through the other issues you mentioned, before having/adopting a child.

__________________
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sad_angel

Thanks for the thoughts. With everything spinning in my head sometimes I am not sure what to think or how to feel. It is just a mess!!

But overall, I want a child. It doesn't matter to me if the child is adopted I know I would love them just as if they were my own. He on the other hand thinks the worse and made it clear he doesn't want to adopt. The reason it is expensive. Which I don't agree with. I have looked at some information and like you mentioned thunderstuck it was around $25K. I have also seen there is a tax credit for 5k - 8K for adopting. But I mentioned those things to him and he still doesn't.

I do respect his choice and decision. But he doesn't respect mine that said - then we can't be together. He has said NO to InVitro yet but he has excuses of it is "expensive" (18K) and it isn't a guarantee you'll get a child. May have to try multiple times. So he keeps going to the financial side.

I don't want to give him false hope by going to Marriage Counseling if we can't have a plan and both agree on this topic. I feel if we can't communicate on this then why try to fix ALL the other problems, if in the end it will be this one that will end the marriage?

Just a side note - I haven't ever really felt he wanted children (been together 12 years - married almost 8). But this past year he keeps saying he does but only the natural way - cause we can afford that.

I feel where there is a will there is away.

sad_angel

Thunderstuck: I think that the two of you need to learn to communicate with each other, plus work through the other issues you mentioned, before having/adopting a child.

I completely agree with this and told him last night that learning to communicate needs to happen before having a little one.

I am 31 and the doctors have told me not to wait until 35 to have my own. I feel my time is running out. Partly blame him as I wanted to try when I was 27, both knowing it was going to be a challenge. (he claims he doesn't remember any of this stuff the doctors said). Funny cause he was with - but whatever.

Toying with "not wasting time" on something that just isn't going to work out.

Acorn

Sadangel - I just looked through the back story here and it doesn't seem like this guy treats you very well. Why would you want to have a child with this guy?

As far as the issues in this thread, I don't think it is really fair for you to police what is or is not "too expensive" because his opinion is his opinion. It seemed he has moved from a "Not yet" to "OK, but only if it's natural" stance. It does seem to me on some level that he is compromising on this issue.

What it really seems like to me is that you want to say, "I need to have a child sooner rather than later, and I'd really like it to be with you, but if we can't come up with a solid plan very soon, I need to find a new path to get there."

Might as well put it out there directly if that's how strongly you feel about it. Be honest with him and let him know what he's dealing with, and with luck, he will do the same with you.

sad_angel

Acorn - thanks for summing that up: "I need to have a child sooner rather than later, and I'd really like it to be with you, but if we can't come up with a solid plan very soon, I need to find a new path to get there."

That made me realize I have planned my new path. Cause in my heart I know if it ended and I was on my own that I would adopt.

Another side note: He keeps saying (excuse) about it being expensive for InVitro and Adopting -- we make together $120K a year. I would think we would be able to afford one or the other.

GOD THIS IS SUCH A MESS.

Breaks my heart that I was SO fearful before getting married when I sat him down and went over the problems the doctors said will probably happen. Then went on to ask him how he felt about InVitro and if he would consider adopting if it got to that point. "I would consider adopting", was his words. Wonder if that was a true answer.

cpacan

Just read your story. My thoughts are that you need to make your relationship stable BEFORE getting kids, no matter what method you prefer.

I see infidelity, disrespect from both sides and lack of communication skills. Sort this out before you introduce a small innocent child to this world - kids don't solve any problems, they tend to drag any issues to the daylight and clarify your marital problems instead.

First things first IMO.

sad_angel

Angel5112: He has said what you wrote - this came from him when we did a counseling session 3 years ago - "Maybe he does want children, but maybe he is also okay with not having children."

That was the first I heard of his thoughts about children. I have been open and honest about what I have wanted regarding children from the start.

I may come across on here that I am trying to change his mind but I am truly not. I want him to be honest with me and not string me along. I feel it is what he has done in the past few years - ignoring the talks about having children, then having excuses and now even more excuses. I really want him to be honest with me. But I don't believe he will cause he doesn't want to loose me.

But I don't see it any other way. It maybe selfish of me to want a child but it is something that I have always wanted to experience. It hurts me that because I can't have one and it hasn't happened that I distance myself for my friends that have little ones cause I just emotionally can't do it. It hurts more when my friends explain how it changed them and how they couldn't imagine not having kids and I feel the same way.

I am willing to forgive the Infidelity and work through the abuse.

A Bit Much

He's said he wants a child, but naturally. He doesn't want to spend money to have a baby. Not the 'extra' money anyway, because having a family is expensive either way.

The question is, what are you going to do with this information? His mind is made up. Call it an excuse or not, this is the stance he's taken.

Acorn

I agree with this.

If you choose to see the good in your husband, hear this: "I know children are important to you, so I will try to have kids." That does not seem like an excuse to me. It sounds like someone trying to compromise.

sad_angel

Of course it is a hard decision to walk away from the marriage - granted it has its share of problems.

But I fear I will resent him in the end for not trying everything possible to have a child. Which will ultimately end our marriage.
I completely understand I can't make him change his mind and that if by chance that happened he would resent myself and the child also.
Which is not at all what I want.

I would have believe your comment Acorn 5 years ago - "I know children are important to you, so I will try to have kids." But he was resistant to even talk about it, let alone start trying. We didn't start trying until almost 2 years ago. And I understand trying and it might just take me longer to get pregnant. But he became distant and then tells me after a year that he has a low sex drive. Lovely that you couldn't talk to your wife about that since that would cause a concern in trying to get pregnant. I just don't understand.

sad_angel

Angel5112 - can you explain more about what you mean for an ultimatum?

cpacan

Your marriage will NOT get less of share of problems with a child in it. On the contrary. Solve your problems first, otherwise you may as well walk a way to begin with. Think about the child who doesn't get to choose her parents and family.