General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
We have been engaged for a year now and my fiance has often come across as reluctant to plan a wedding. We have our own separate investments and mine cost a bit to hold so he worries about spending the money on a wedding (we both want a simple wedding so I am most definitely not unreasonable). After a fight 6 mths ago he said his tax return and some money owed to him would cover the costs. 1 mth later he said we couldn't afford it.
Due to his inactions and seeming reluctance we fought regularly and I have now left to clear my head. I can't make a decision, as he has traits which I want in a husband but the inaction and reluctance is really frustrating me and probably a deal breaker now. It makes me feel so unimportant to him and that the relationship isn't a priority. I'm aware that men aren't heavily into wedding detail but he has never talked about our wedding unless I have brought it up first. We have not booked anything. A week ago he suggested a date and said he would ring the venue we had picked and pencil it in. When I asked him if he had done this he said no and the reason was "he didn't get around to it" (he is on holidays at the moment)! If someone had left me due to my inactions, I would make sure I did everything I said I would do! The frustrating part is he still denies that he has ever avoided/been reluctant to get married and when he does admit to not keeping his word he just says "sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you". Ahhhhh!
I'm still second guessing myself and think maybe my expectations are high? Maybe this is minor stuff when he has lots of other good traits and who says the next guy I meet will be excited about getting married! What do you think?
Nip this in the bud before you get hitched. Because this won't go away when you both have rings on your finger and sign a piece of paper saying you're married.
Does he deal with other issues in your relationship like this? Passive? You said you feel unimportant to him and like your relationship isn't a priority--TELL HIM THAT and see what he says. Pre-marriage counselling is a good idea.
If you can't talk to him about how you feel and come to an amicable resolution, with both partners willing to come to an agreement/solution, then you have no business marrying this guy.
This ones easy. This kind of guy wants YOU to do it all for him. He's likely that guy looking for a mommy replacement.
Look what happened you left him THEN he made a date for the wedding. Oooooohh don't push yourself too much on my account. That was all the effort he was willing to put forth. Then you thought great now we are getting somewhere so you asked him to make some calls. And he couldn't get around to it. Translation he didn't want to but didn't have the guts to tell you no.
He's trying to see how little he can do and still keep you. Watch what he does and you'll see what I mean. Notice how he says he doesn't mean to hurt you and yet doesn't DO anything?
I've been married for 21 years and I will tell you this. With men what you see is what you get. If he's frustrating you now it will only be magnified after you get married. He's going to drag his feet the whole time leaving you exhausted and resentful.
My husband did this. He must have asked me to marry him a dozen times before I said yes! But as soon as I started planning, he started coming up with obstacles. I got so frustrated. Month after month went by. We had to wait because of finances, family stuff, etc.
Finally, I got fed up. Looked at the calendar, and said, "We are either getting married on THAT date or we are not getting married at all." I planned it all myself. Simple wedding. All he had to do was show up.
Well, after all that foot dragging, he was so happy as soon as we said our vows. As soon as we kissed, he told me, "You can't get away from me now!" with a big grin on his face.
Fast forward 14 years, his pattern of dragging his feet on big issues has held true. I'm the one that makes all major purchases and makes all major decisions. Not that he doesn't have input. And I definitely don't wear the pants in the family or anything. But there's just something about the big things that paralyzes him. It's kind of weird, in the sense that in most aspects of our relationship, he is definitely the dominant one.
It led to a lot of frustration for me in the early years of our marriage, but now when these issues come up, I just take a deep breath and tell myself, "Okay, it's my turn up to bat."
I have nothing further to add other than I agree what most of the others have said, and that this situation was one of my biggest pet peeves when our group of friends started getting married. There are so many guys who think their job is done once they've proposed. And yes, it is often a sign of a man who wants to be taken care of once he's captured his prey.
Personally, I was probably TOO involved with my wedding. Some of the biggest fights my wife and I have ever had were about designing the wedding program (which, I should add, became the best wedding program ever; seriously, we should have won an award for it).
__________________ "I'm not a real doctor, but I play one on TAM." "Dude, stop saying 'no.' If your wife offers you a quickie in the back of a moving van, you say "YES!"
Ok. I will have to disagree with many of these posts. Putting up obstacles is one thing. Planning the wedding is another.
Culturally, IMO, this has been the task of the bride and her family/mother. The job of the groom was to show up and make limited choices from preselected options. I think this is probably the norm even today. I know that is exactly how my wedding was. If you ask me to plan a wedding, we're going to Vegas and buy the 15 minute service! Most guys really don't view the wedding as their prevue. I don't drag my feet on decisions, I wasn't looking for a mommy replacement and I don't think I am different than the average guy in this regard
The fact that you have had arguments over the wedding is a terrible sign. Good luck with coercing a marriage! you'll need it.
Thanks so much for your responses. I understand that some men just don't get into the wedding planning or are procrastinators. It's just I get the feeling that something is not right with the way he is acting. As much as he swears he wants to marry me his inaction and an instinctive feeling tells me this is not how it's supposed to be and I deserve someone to marry me and have children with me without having to pull them forward all of the time. My Dad was like this and as I get older I really can't stand men like this. We are all human beings and I still strongly believe that if someone wants to do something they will do it.
I deserve someone to marry me and have children with me without having to pull them forward all of the time. My Dad was like this and as I get older I really can't stand men like this.
You have your answer in your own response. Off the top of my head, my guess is there are approximately THREE BILLION people inhabiting our planet at this point. I would imagine among that lot, you could find a man who would be more in line with fulfilling your expectations.
If you can't stand men who drag their feet, imagine what it would be like if you married this guy. You think it's bad now ...
Suggest you seriously consider having "the talk" with fiance - as in making him your FORMER fiance.
My first thought was maybe there are financial troubles you're not aware of. Do you have full access to his accounts or do you maintain separate ones and you don't look at the other's account ever? Maybe he has less money than he'd hoped for at this point in time. Maybe he has the money but is stressed about spending so much (even a simple wedding can be quite costly if you're not just going to the courthouse). Maybe you've already done this but I would go over your budget expectations to make sure you're in agreement. Then I would be very clear about what your expectations are: if he really wants to get married he needs to do x y and z (call the location, rent a tux, whatever). Otherwise it's not happening.
Culturally, IMO, this has been the task of the bride and her family/mother. The job of the groom was to show up and make limited choices from preselected options. I think this is probably the norm even today. I know that is exactly how my wedding was. If you ask me to plan a wedding, we're going to Vegas and buy the 15 minute service! Most guys really don't view the wedding as their prevue. I don't drag my feet on decisions, I wasn't looking for a mommy replacement and I don't think I am different than the average guy in this regard.
There's a difference between not assuming the woman will take care of all the planning and saying, "Well, culturally speaking, I don't have to do anything," when his fiancé asks him to work with her on the decisions is another. As much as I personally dislike it, I can understand why a lot of men think their job ends when they've picked out a ring. Many of my friends are socially conservative and tend to adhere to traditional roles. But to passive-aggresively dig in his heels like this when he's been asked to participate in one of the three or four most important days of his life... that's a bad sign in any relationship.
__________________ "I'm not a real doctor, but I play one on TAM." "Dude, stop saying 'no.' If your wife offers you a quickie in the back of a moving van, you say "YES!"
We have been engaged for a year now and my fiance has often come across as reluctant to plan a wedding. We have our own separate investments and mine cost a bit to hold so he worries about spending the money on a wedding (we both want a simple wedding so I am most definitely not unreasonable). After a fight 6 mths ago he said his tax return and some money owed to him would cover the costs. 1 mth later he said we couldn't afford it.
Due to his inactions and seeming reluctance we fought regularly and I have now left to clear my head. I can't make a decision, as he has traits which I want in a husband but the inaction and reluctance is really frustrating me and probably a deal breaker now. It makes me feel so unimportant to him and that the relationship isn't a priority. I'm aware that men aren't heavily into wedding detail but he has never talked about our wedding unless I have brought it up first. We have not booked anything. A week ago he suggested a date and said he would ring the venue we had picked and pencil it in. When I asked him if he had done this he said no and the reason was "he didn't get around to it" (he is on holidays at the moment)! If someone had left me due to my inactions, I would make sure I did everything I said I would do! The frustrating part is he still denies that he has ever avoided/been reluctant to get married and when he does admit to not keeping his word he just says "sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you". Ahhhhh!
I'm still second guessing myself and think maybe my expectations are high? Maybe this is minor stuff when he has lots of other good traits and who says the next guy I meet will be excited about getting married! What do you think?
Thanks
I haven't read replies yet.
I think you have to decide what is more important - the relationship you have or getting married (which *will* change the relationship, especially since he is reluctant.) There isn't a right or wrong answer, but you want marriage, he doesn't. Is that a dealbreaker for you?
Just as you feel he isn't prioritizing the relationship, he may feel that your insistence on marriage is an example of not prioritizing him.
Is this the only thing you've seen that indicates the relationship isn't a priority or are there others?
Wedding inaction 
