General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello. I am 42, my husband is 35. We have 2 kids (7 and 2) and we have been married for 9 years and together for 12. To try and tell you my entire saga would be a novel...so I will be brief. This is the second time he has moved out. And this is the first time that I am finally being real about it. When my daughter was a month old I found out he was abusing cocaine and had had a one night stand with a waitress at the nightclub he was managing (I know the signs were there, but I was a new mother of a 1 month old and scared!) We moved on did counseling and things seemed okay. He bit the drug habit...and hasn't done any since...he however didn't bite the infidelity habit. In 2007 he cheated on me with another waitress. This time he was managing at a golf club, and he became friends with this girl. I was in a new job as a teacher...the first year for you teachers as you know can be very stressful. I was focused on work and not him...and thus this. He disappeared for a week, came back and begged me for another chance...and me being the dummy that I was, accepted him. We did couples counseling, but where then suggested to do individual counseling because my husband seemed to be so messed up. Come March of 2010 and I found a Facebook conversation with another girl...nothing had happened between them but it was about to. He moved out, lived with a friend and I was beside myself. He wanted time alone to figure himself out, but I didn't let that happen. I begged him to come back that we had to work things out. Well now we are here. We beat ourselves silly with the same stuff but a different year. He moved out on Sunday. He needs time he says...and well, I am giving it to him. No calling, no begging, just set expectations for him to see and help with the kids, and that we are still married even in the separation, and any funny business is an invitation to the end. I am numb. But I cannot keep dealing with this. I know this is vague...would answer any questions to clarify. Just looking for support. Looking for information as to what I need to do to care for my kids and myself (should I seek legal things yet?) Thanks for reading.
You are married to a serial cheater. Yes, you should get your ducks in a row. Call around to find a a good family law attorney. Are all your accounts (checking, savings, credit, loans, etc.) in both names?
I think the most important thing you can do, to protect yourself, is get your name off joint accounts. You don't have to serve him with a divorce complaint, or even begin that procedure. But protecting yourself financially is important.
You husband has a history of adultery. You do not mention how he interacts with the children. Sounds like he may fill his time with work and chasing women. Also sounds as if MC didn't work for you two.
He has now moved out because he "needs time." I strongly suspect his time is being spent with someone else. It would be in your best interests to verify that. And call an attorney ASAP.
He needs time he says...and well, I am giving it to him. No calling, no begging, just set expectations for him to see and help with the kids, and that we are still married even in the separation, and any funny business is an invitation to the end. I am numb. But I cannot keep dealing with this.
I don't blame you, and yes, I believe you absolutely did the right thing by making your boundaries and expectations of this separation known to him. Especially since this isn't the first time he has strayed/left the marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WannaBHappy
Looking for information as to what I need to do to care for my kids and myself (should I seek legal things yet?)
Yes, I would seek legal consultation at this point. I don't believe they charge for an initial consultation, but hopefully someone else here can verify that. If it doesn't cost anything, it would at least inform you of your rights, what to do/not to do as far as assets, visitation, etc. are concerned and if the marriage does end you will know what you need to do vs. scrambling around at the last minute.
My kids were young when I separated (and eventually divorced) and the younger two fared very well. What really makes a difference is if you both agree to keep the discussions private and speak of one another in a good light when the other parent is not around.
It will also help you to take time for yourself when the kids are with him....visit with friends, start a new hobby, etc. to keep busy. Those were the most difficult times for me, when I was not working and my kids were with their dad. I took up violin lessons and joined a gym, which helped a lot!
Hello. I am 42, my husband is 35. We have 2 kids (7 and 2) and we have been married for 9 years and together for 12. To try and tell you my entire saga would be a novel...so I will be brief. This is the second time he has moved out. And this is the first time that I am finally being real about it. When my daughter was a month old I found out he was abusing cocaine and had had a one night stand with a waitress at the nightclub he was managing (I know the signs were there, but I was a new mother of a 1 month old and scared!) We moved on did counseling and things seemed okay. He bit the drug habit...and hasn't done any since...he however didn't bite the infidelity habit. In 2007 he cheated on me with another waitress. This time he was managing at a golf club, and he became friends with this girl. I was in a new job as a teacher...the first year for you teachers as you know can be very stressful. I was focused on work and not him...and thus this. He disappeared for a week, came back and begged me for another chance...and me being the dummy that I was, accepted him. We did couples counseling, but where then suggested to do individual counseling because my husband seemed to be so messed up. Come March of 2010 and I found a Facebook conversation with another girl...nothing had happened between them but it was about to. He moved out, lived with a friend and I was beside myself. He wanted time alone to figure himself out, but I didn't let that happen. I begged him to come back that we had to work things out. Well now we are here. We beat ourselves silly with the same stuff but a different year. He moved out on Sunday. He needs time he says...and well, I am giving it to him. No calling, no begging, just set expectations for him to see and help with the kids, and that we are still married even in the separation, and any funny business is an invitation to the end. I am numb. But I cannot keep dealing with this. I know this is vague...would answer any questions to clarify. Just looking for support. Looking for information as to what I need to do to care for my kids and myself (should I seek legal things yet?) Thanks for reading.
Honestly sounds like he just thought he could constantly get away with it and you would always be there to beg for him...He needs to beg you.....Give him this time and what you said about it being the end if he does something is a good thought because honestly it seems like he only leaves when he wants to do dirt
Sounds like he does not care to change at all for the sake of your marriage. Forget about him and do what's best for you. He really does not deserve such a forgiving wife.
He called today and told me his expectations. He doesn't want me to worry. Which I am a A-class worrier. He wants time to himself. He was kicked out of his house when he was 15...and well he has aligned himself with good people and has never had to take care of himself...from couches to friends and then to our house. And he has always been taken care of. Yeah...he had a crappy childhood...but it is not an excuse. He has his time and I have mine...and I know I will grow, and I will be smart. I am done with this, and ready to move onto the life I deserve.
9Likes 
Husband has moved out 
