General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I could use some advice here. I have been with my wife for about 10 years now, married the last 8 of them. My ex wife was regularly unfaithful. I won't say she is a ****, but she has been banged more times than my snooze button.
I have trust issues with my wife now. I know deep down that she has never been, nor would ever be unfaithful. But that annoying voice in the back of my head keeps telling me otherwise. Because it happened before, it can happen again.
It is circular too. My trust issues have weakened our marriage, and because our marriage is weaker, I trust less. I do not want to keep spiraling down and have it completely destroy everything.
Why did you get married again? Try and focus on the reasons you chose your wife, and the reasons why you want to stay committed to her. She's not your ex wife. She shouldn't be paying for your ex's sins.
I understand your situation as i was cheated on by my first love. It took me a few years to learn to trust again.
Try asking her to do little things that would reassure you of her love and faithfulness. Like texting or calling you once or twice during the day once in a while just to ask about your day. Just don't turn it into a drama when she doesn't.
And don't expect her to do to all the work. Keep reminding yourself of the things she has done to show you her affection, of all the happy things you two have done together etc. Watch 'The Secret' DVD, it helps with emotional management.
I wrote an article on trust that you may find helpful. I think if you adhere to the three principles you'll find on it, you can deal with your feelings without damaging your marriage.
As it is, you're holding your wife accountable for someone else's actions. That's not fair to her, and as you said, it's harming your relationship together.
I'm a fan of making ourselves feel safe instead of expecting other people to, so the three principles I laid out in that article provide a plan that allows a balance between being vulnerable and being protected. It's written a bit toward a female point-of-view, but the principles are the same.
You sound like the perfect candidate for IC. You are aware of something that is eating at you and want to solve it. This is half the battle. A good IC can help you down the recovery path, there may be support groups out there also.
Letting go of bad ways is the best gift you can give yourself. Maybe try forgiving your former internally and this will free you up for you better half.
Yeah, it's good you recognize this. My first husband cheated, and we never addressed it before we split. Now I have trust issues. Current hubby knew about them, and he was actually pretty good about the whole thing, but over time it wore on him. Just one of many things that contributed to the decline of our marriage, before he cheated on me too.
I understand your situation as i was cheated on by my first love. It took me a few years to learn to trust again.
Try asking her to do little things that would reassure you of her love and faithfulness. Like texting or calling you once or twice during the day once in a while just to ask about your day. Just don't turn it into a drama when she doesn't.
And don't expect her to do to all the work. Keep reminding yourself of the things she has done to show you her affection, of all the happy things you two have done together etc. Watch 'The Secret' DVD, it helps with emotional management.
If I am going to be honest, I think that you would really profit from some individual counseling. But I do think that if this is a big issue for you, that sitting down and discussing what BOTH of you would like to see more of from each other. Give her the chance to open up and let you know if she needs more from you than what she is getting also.
Just out of curiosity, how would you feel if the situation was reversed?
if her routine is consistent take comfort in knowing all is well and focus on that. you will get red flags if there is a problem but dont go looking (concocting) them. Snooping will drive you nuts and before you know it illusions will be dancing in your head. I have had somewhat of a similar situation and this is what worked for me. Relax man
It's good that you can recognize that she has never been unfaithful and she won't be. I find that when I start thinking of "what if's" I come up with all sorts of crazy senerios.
Try not to think up things in your head, because they're just that - in your head.
Thanks everyone. This is ALL ME. She never "works late", and when she is out, she calls or texts me to let me know exactly where she is and what she is doing to the point of being annoying.
I haven't been treating her very well lately. No compliments, no "I love you", no physical touch, I even stopped giving her a goodbye kiss in the morning when we go to work. Then I start thinking if she doesn't get it from me, then she will get it somewhere else.
I have really tried to change things back though. It was this site that helped me do it. I read a bunch of threads of infedelity and divorce and told myself I don't want that happening to me. I read about what caused things like that and I am focusing on not doing them.
I am being more attentive, more physical with her. I don't know if it's helping her, but it is helping me.
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Letting go of the past 
