MarriageIsntWhatItSeems

We've been married for a year and half & dated for a year before that.We have a 11 month old LB..A couple of days ago my Husband told me that he had kid before we had even met.He told me he just couldnt keep it away any longer because he knew sooner or later someone in his family would bring it up & he was scared that any day while at the store or anyother place hed run into this girl.Says he never really dated this girl it was just his teenage booty call he was about 19 when this happened.He never knew she ended up pregnant until she was almost due.he tried to work things out with her but she didnt want to.hes only seen his daughter once about 3 days after she was born then never knew anything about them since.Hes been a great father & husband and i know how hard it might be to know he has a child but know nothing about her.he says he didnt tell me before because hes really scared of loosing us & that he loves US and that other girl meant nothing to him.Its something very hard for me just cant get it out of my head allday.I thought i had given him his 1st child.I dont know what to do the day we do run into her and his lg.i love him and do understand this was before we had even met.i told him id be here with him and that he wouldnt loose us that is was a mistake he had had but that it wasnt the childs fault.he wants to look for her and meet her or at least know about her. im juust scared of what might happenn & that i might just be thinking this way because they arent in present yet and once they are it will all change..any advice or comments please
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MarriageIsntWhatItSeems

child out of marriage,family with another woman,husbands ex,ex their kids,
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A Bit Much

He should have told you a long time ago. And not because he was afraid of running into her somewhere. That sounds like a terrible excuse to keep something this big a secret.

I don't believe his other excuse either... he's afraid of you walking away? So to insure less chance of that happening he marries and has a child with you. Selfish. Purely selfish reasons for not being honest with you. It's not his decision whether you stay or not in his life.

I understand you being afraid of what comes from this. I also think it's up to your husband to make sure you have very little stress from here on out over it. It's his mess to clean up. Be there for him if you want to, but remember you didn't ask for this nonsense.

moxy

That's a big secret to keep. Sounds like he needs to learn how to be more forthcoming and honest.

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Hope1964

Yeah, the fact he has a kid is kinda beside the point. The fact he hid it for all the wrong reasons would disturb me FAR more. I'd be wondering what other little tidbits he's hiding.

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Mavash.

I wonder what advice we'd give if a woman were to have given a baby up for adoption that she had as a teen but didn't tell her husband until AFTER they were married.

Just wondering....

Tikii

I think the fact that he hid it from you is bad, but the fact that he is a father to one child, but isn't a father to the other is disgusting.

If my husband were to come out right now and tell me he had a child with someone and had not told me, I believe I would leave. That is a MASSIVE secret to keep from someone you are supposed to be sharing your life with.

I would also be disgusted with him for not being a father to his child, REGARDLESS of how old he was when she was concieved. A the child of an impregnante and run father, I find the irresponsibility and lack of desire to contribute finanically and emotionally to his daughter's well being an unforgivable flaw. The girl might have not told him until just before the due date(according to a liar, so do I really believe that to be the case, no) it doesn't give him an excuse to not be in his daughter's life. Even if the mother said she didn't want him there for her, doesn't mean that he couldn't have or shouldn't have been there for his daughter.

I think there needs to be a SERIOUS discussion and a fess up talk with him. Find out what else he is hiding from you. If he is hiding something this big, how easy would it be for him to hide an affair or multiple life changing events.

Tikii

I think my comments would remain the same. It's hiding a part of who you are, and to me a lack of trust and respect.

delirium

Some questions: Does the mother have full custody? Does he express any interest in being a part of his child's life? Does he pay child support?

I would have a difficult time trusting him on ANYTHING after such a big lie. And one he kept for so long.

MarriageIsntWhatItSeems

i know i need to have this discussion but im scared of what other things i might find out if i do.Its so hard just when you think you know the person your sharing your life..,everythhing with & suddenly your living with a stranger.
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MarriageIsntWhatItSeems

Now after fessing up he wants to go into her life which he's never been a part of according to him he's seen her once.His daughter is about 4 years old now.
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Ansley

If he hasn't been paying child support then that shows in a nut shell what kind of a man he is.

MarriageIsntWhatItSeems

Thanks,I really appreciate your comment.I have no one to talk with about this.I'm 20 and my only familyy,my mom,is far away which I wouldnt want to worry.I fincially depend on him which makes any decission I'd want to make much harder.If for any reason I'd remain with him I would want to have the least involvement with this no visits to our house,no meeting my son(at least not now),and I want nothing to do with that other woman.I might sound selfish as well but as you say I didn't ask for this.
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still.trying

Something doesn't make sense about this. His reason for not telling you earlier and for telling you now doesn't make sense. Either he's not telling the whole truth or you are not disclosing something. Is he feeling guilty about not being part of the child's life now that he is more mature? Is he afraid you will think he isn't a good father because he isn't a part of the first child's life? Was the child conceived while you were dating?

MarriageIsntWhatItSeems

We moved into the neighborhood he lived at the time this all happened.I think he figured I'd know sooner or later. Yes he feeling guilty for not being there for his child.Yes he told me he doesn't want me to think he's a bad person for not being in his childs life.No this happened about a year before we even met.
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