scareditsgone

So this is my first post here as I have been reading others stories. I really need an understanding of my husband state because I cannot understand it.
This is going to be long so I apologize, I do think that the background information is important because it truly built our foundation.

We have been married for almost 2 years and have been together for a total of 8. We met when I was 22 and he was 29. (Now Im 30 and he is 37) We partied hard and moved fast in the beginning of our relationship. The partying got to a pretty bad place and we were fighting alot. He would go out on benders and lie to me. This went on for about 3 years. Throughout that time I would pack my bags and leave just to stay. He wanted to straighten his act up and he did 110%. We actually started living a normal life and it was great. After several years we got engaged and married which leads me here.

My husband never wants to do anything. He works labor for 9.5 hours a day straight, 5 x a week. So he gets home at 5 and is asleep by 7. He has been working out now after work and he is in great shape but, after working out, he eats and goes to bed. On the weekends his days are focused on non-stop work around the house with new projects, to the lawn...but this is to the point where everyone has made comments about how he just doesn't stop. Always trying to make it look better when it already looks great. Every several weeks we will hang at our friends house for 3 hours but other than that, nothing. I will go out occassionaly to see my friends and 75% of the time he gives me attitude about it (even though he is ALWAYS invited but doesn't want to go)
Recently I lost 3 childhood friends this past year and since I have been with him, I haven't seen them much so he really didn't know them. He wouldn't go to the services with me and when I told him about their passing while in tears, he will just say "oh, that sucks" and walks away. No hug, no words of comfort. In addition, there would be benefits for the families. So the most recent one that I went to, I was helping out with running the benefit. He didnt' want to go ...so fine. Within 2 hours, he would text me asking when I was going to be home. When I told him that it started later then anticipated due to everyone having a difficult time with the loss, he was annoyed. Then I get a text saying asking why it was taking so long, I told him that the band hadn't played yet because the family was sharing stories, and the response I got was " Are you serious"? fast forward and a series of texts and phone calls where he hung up on me after yelling at me because I was out drinking and he couldn't sleep when I was out because he was worried. (I had been sick and was diagnosed with epilepsy 3 years ago, but haven't had an actual seizure in over 1.5 years). I was with my cousin who manages the pub and my two best friends but he still said that it didn't matter. Needless to say I didn't get home until 12:30 because I dropped everyone off but he was livid. He told me that I was out drinking until 1am and on and on..... This has happened with the last two friends that passed and I was home by 10pm.

You add this all together to the fact that our once passionate relationship became a sexless relationship in the past 3 years. When I say sexless it is like once every 2-3 months. When I iniatate he always says that it makes him really tired the next day for work. he intiates it sometimes by saying ..."hey you wanna..." I don't get hugs anymore, I don't get kisses. I don't get any type of care or attention that used to be there. When I call him he answers saying "yea"...all annoyed that I am calling but then when I don't answer his call he gets pissed. I just don't understand how someone can say they are so worried that something will happen to me but at the same time not even ask me how my day was or say hello when he comes home from work. I am not trying to have an ego here but I am a pretty girl, I can also be one of the guys and I always loved snowboarding, atv'ing, kayaking, dirt biking, camping and supposdly he also did all these things before we got together but never wants to do them now. He told me last night that there was a guy selling twin dirt bikes so he bought one???? but not 2.....nor talked to me about it to see if I did want it...which he knew I would but acted like he didn't think I would. I just don't know what to do anymore. He is so distant. I told him during one of our fights that I thought we may benefit from communication counseling but he told me that he would never EVER get counseling. I told him that he should have told me that before getting married because when you say better or worse....you are supposed to mean it. We had a couple bad fights since our wedding where he said..I can't do this anymore but then won't talk about it. So when I have to pry about what he wants ...he then will say I love you but I cant stand fighting. He does not communicate at all. If he wasn't home everyday and on weekends right after work and then I would think that he was having an affair but I know he isn't. This has been so difficult because I know he loves me and I love him, but I want my fun husband back that I can be goofy with, have intimacy with. We are freaking newlyweds for crying out loud. He proposed to me while sitting on the couch in front of the tv?!?!?! I just don't know what to do anymore. He does alot for me in terms of the house and taking care of me since I had gotten sick but I need a husband, not a room mate or father figure. I have asked him if he feels depressed or tried to schedule some plans like a couples massage and he just doesn't care. What can I do to make him understand that this is not how a happy marriage works?!?!??!

Gaia

You can't make him do or understand anything. You can work on you to figure out what you want. If he won't go to counseling then go for yourself. Maybe something will click and he will finally get it. Go out and do things you enjoy, such as kayaking.
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EleGirl

He will not tell you what is going on in his head.
He could be cheating... does he keep his cell password protected? Does he use a computer?

When the sex stops (or slows down to almost nothing) the relationship is dead. He's not willing to work on fixing it.

If you tell him that you are going to file for divorce because the marriage is dead, you might get him to pay attention. If he does not pay attention you may as well divorce him and move on.

__________________
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scareditsgone

I know he isnt cheating because of the obvious facts with him letting me answer his phone, no password, he even uses my other email address. This is on top of him never going anywhere other than work or home. I know some people will say that he probably is but my last 3 relationships i was cheated on all the time and i learned the signs after being naive. I feel like threatening with a divorce isnt the right thing to do bc then im sending the message that u just give up without really working? To me that doesnt show that i want to woek on it. Does that make sense or am i living in a dream?
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Gaia

It makes sense.
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EleGirl

Either his sex drive is low because of physical problems like low hormones or ....

If a man is not getting sex at home, he's getting it somewhere else.

Is he paid by the hour? Does his paycheck match a 9.5 hour work day?

Some people use their lunch time for affairs. He could be having one with someone at work. He could be going to one of those shops that let me do each other in the back room.

Or when he works out... some guys/gals at the place he works out.

I've had two husbands who acted like yours does. The first one was having affairs with women at work (he worked at a hospital, he's a doc). The second one has found his sex life online with porn and online sexting vertual worlds.

He might just be doing things in a different way than the others who cheated on you

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

EleGirl

How are you going to fix your marriage if he is not willing to work on it?

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

still.trying

He's not cheating! I don't know what the issue is, but it's not that!

scareditsgone

IYour right still trying...he isnt cheating. He works with his 65 yr old brother, niece and 3 other guys at a scrap medal yard where woman rarely come in and if they do they are trying to hustle stolen goods for money to feedtheir addiction. He cant even really type on a computer. Today we had it out though because i told him hse should have talked to me more about his bike purchase. He told me that he didnt need my permission. Kthen he tried telling me that he wasnt mad at me the other night for going out and totally tried turning it on me.....then he said that he was done and that he wasnt doing this anymore. He said the fighting was not how a marriage was supposed to be. So i just packed a bag and left.......i think he must have some chemical imbalance.....not sure what happens next
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