women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex? - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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View Poll Results: Women, how do you feel about sex?
I love sex. 99 86.09%
I donít really like sexÖ but endure it sometimes but would rather not. 8 6.96%
I donít like sex. Won't have it. 1 0.87%
Other, will explain. 7 6.09%
Voters: 115. You may not vote on this poll

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post #121 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
For all of the women who voted that they love sex, I would be curious to know "why" each of them is here.

A few of them undoubtedly originally came here with a sex issue, but I think most of them ended up here for some other reason.
There are other threads on TAM where women address why they are here. Sex is not the only topic.

Affairs in their marriage: husbands who are emotionally and/or physically abusive; husbands who do not want sex; and on and one.

I came to TAM because my husband refused to get a job, lived on his computer, ignored me and his kids (from a previous marriage), and at that point he chose to make the last 5 years of the marriage sexless. I was in a deep depression and I needed help to get out of the depression and divorce the guy. Like I said, the problems that bring people here are often far more complex than just sex. Even when people come here complaining that there is not enough sex in their marriage, the problem is usually far deeper than just little to no sex.

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post #122 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:18 PM
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

My wife appears to love sex, and thankfully she loves having sex with me (as she initiates it as often as I do).

So, I did not come to TAM for this reason or related reasons. I had a problem, a problem with drinking and the way in which it was affecting my relationships with my wife and sons. I have since traded this addiction for an exercise addiction which seems to benefit our sex life more now than before. This latter addiction does not seem to impair our relationship.


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post #123 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:22 PM
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

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I have since traded this addiction for an exercise addiction which seems to benefit our sex life more now than before. This latter addiction does not seem to impair our relationship.

Some people have addictive type personalities. So what you did was a really good idea.

You direct all that focus and energy and obsession, if you will--towards something really positive.
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post #124 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

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LOVE sex, but just not with my husband!
Ok young lady. You planted the hook. Please, by all means, elaborate.✨
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post #125 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

First off ConanHub, thanks for referring to me as a young lady! I just celebrated 39 years, and am not feeling overly young these days.

I have loved sex in the past with certain boyfriends, and I even enjoyed it a bit more with H before we were engaged. Hubby was a virgin when we met, and hasn't exactly been easy to teach when it comes to between-the-sheets activities. He outright hurt me during our earlier days, not meaning to of course, but I thought of it more like a kid in a candy shop: utter excitement to the point of not really being aware. So, I covered up certain areas of my body because I got tired of being hurt, of telling him to please be more gentle, and of having to deal with that every time we were in a sexual situation. I covered up for a good long while, and he never questioned anything. Eventually (a couple years later), I told him the reasoning, and he was a bit surprised (he had forgotten that I told him how much his touch (pinching, biting) hurt).

I've been thinking about this A LOT lately because I want to get to the root of the problem. And so, another reason that I can't seem to get over the lack of sexual enjoyment is that when we first moved in together, and for quite some time after that, he treated our living situation like that of roommates. He would wash up the towels that he used on wash day, and leave all the others for me to wash. He would pick through the dirty pile of dishes for the ones that he used, and leave the rest for me to do. I should've nipped this is the butt right away, but I guess I thought that he would change his ways, or that maybe he was in a rush. Nope, his reasoning: he didn't think to do the rest of the towels, and he didn't know that the other dishes were dirty. And so began a vicious cycle of thinking about our relationship as that of roommates. I still think of it that way, and I consider him to be more of a buddy or a brother now, which makes sex extremely uncomfortable!

So now, I enjoy pleasuring myself, and dreaming about the day when I'll have an equal in life, someone who is less socially awkward, who is genuine and doesn't put on faces to get what he wants, who is OK with putting others before himself sometimes, and someone who I'm sexually attracted to, to the point of daydreaming about ripping their clothes off at the end of the day.

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Ok young lady. You planted the hook. Please, by all means, elaborate.✨
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post #126 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

39 is young!

I think a partner who wants to please you can always learn what to do. A partner who doesn't will never be a good lover.

The other side of that is the need to clearly communicate - and for him to listen. I do find it strange that some people do not seem to listen. OTOH, maybe communication that is obvious to one person isn't obvious to the other.


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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
First off ConanHub, thanks for referring to me as a young lady! I just celebrated 39 years, and am not feeling overly young these days.

I have loved sex in the past with certain boyfriends, and I even enjoyed it a bit more with H before we were engaged. Hubby was a virgin when we met, and hasn't exactly been easy to teach when it comes to between-the-sheets activities. He outright hurt me during our earlier days, not meaning to of course, but I thought of it more like a kid in a candy shop: utter excitement to the point of not really being aware. So, I covered up certain areas of my body because I got tired of being hurt, of telling him to please be more gentle, and of having to deal with that every time we were in a sexual situation. I covered up for a good long while, and he never questioned anything. Eventually (a couple years later), I told him the reasoning, and he was a bit surprised (he had forgotten that I told him how much his touch (pinching, biting) hurt).

I've been thinking about this A LOT lately because I want to get to the root of the problem. And so, another reason that I can't seem to get over the lack of sexual enjoyment is that when we first moved in together, and for quite some time after that, he treated our living situation like that of roommates. He would wash up the towels that he used on wash day, and leave all the others for me to wash. He would pick through the dirty pile of dishes for the ones that he used, and leave the rest for me to do. I should've nipped this is the butt right away, but I guess I thought that he would change his ways, or that maybe he was in a rush. Nope, his reasoning: he didn't think to do the rest of the towels, and he didn't know that the other dishes were dirty. And so began a vicious cycle of thinking about our relationship as that of roommates. I still think of it that way, and I consider him to be more of a buddy or a brother now, which makes sex extremely uncomfortable!

So now, I enjoy pleasuring myself, and dreaming about the day when I'll have an equal in life, someone who is less socially awkward, who is genuine and doesn't put on faces to get what he wants, who is OK with putting others before himself sometimes, and someone who I'm sexually attracted to, to the point of daydreaming about ripping their clothes off at the end of the day.
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post #127 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

We have actually done this: spent time talking about likes/dislikes, and then participating in sexual activities, which were great directly after the conversation! But, the next time was back to normal; what we had talked about had been forgotten, and the pinching/biting was back. After a year and a bit of trying, I started to give up unfortunately, and that's my fault. I guess we could've preceded every encounter with a conversation beforehand, but it was just getting to be too much and too frustrating. OTOH, I do think that he wants to please me, but he doesn't know how, and I no longer know what to tell him. But yes, what might be obvious to one isn't to another!

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
39 is young!

I think a partner who wants to please you can always learn what to do. A partner who doesn't will never be a good lover.

The other side of that is the need to clearly communicate - and for him to listen. I do find it strange that some people do not seem to listen. OTOH, maybe communication that is obvious to one person isn't obvious to the other.
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post #128 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

I absolutely love sex and feel incredibly lucky to have a partner with similar drive and tastes.

In my previous relationship I lost all sexual attraction to my partner so I know what it feels like to be LD with an HD partner. It really is an absolutely miserable situation and I can't help but feel tremendous pity for both spouses in a relationship where one is naturally LD.
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post #129 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
We have actually done this: spent time talking about likes/dislikes, and then participating in sexual activities, which were great directly after the conversation! But, the next time was back to normal; what we had talked about had been forgotten, and the pinching/biting was back. After a year and a bit of trying, I started to give up unfortunately, and that's my fault. I guess we could've preceded every encounter with a conversation beforehand, but it was just getting to be too much and too frustrating. OTOH, I do think that he wants to please me, but he doesn't know how, and I no longer know what to tell him. But yes, what might be obvious to one isn't to another!
Often times people do not make changes until they in so much pain that it basically forces them to change.

I'm saying the following probably more to others reading here who might have similar issues as I do think this is way too late for you. One thing that I see in what you wrote is that in a lot of ways you taught him that the biting, pinching, etc. are ok because you put up with it for so long. For something verbal communication just does not work. Had you responded immediately to every bit or pinch in a very strong negative way, like just end the sex immediately with a strong rebuff, it might have taught him not to do that to you. Instead your allowing it taught him that it was ok, even if you did fuss about it some.

The same kind of thing goes for the laundry, the dishes, etc.

It is so hard to deal with issues like this. Some people are so self absorbed that they do not notice the normal reactions that others have. It's like we need to use the proverbial sledge hammer to get them to notice and to change.
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post #130 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

It sounds like the problem was him, not you.

Not to you, but to others, it is important to be clear about the difference between "I don't like XYZ right now", and "I don't like XYZ ever", or possibly "Every once in a while I want XYZ, and I'll let you know".

Another difficult one is explaining that something can be not enjoyable, but still cause you to have an O.


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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
We have actually done this: spent time talking about likes/dislikes, and then participating in sexual activities, which were great directly after the conversation! But, the next time was back to normal; what we had talked about had been forgotten, and the pinching/biting was back. After a year and a bit of trying, I started to give up unfortunately, and that's my fault. I guess we could've preceded every encounter with a conversation beforehand, but it was just getting to be too much and too frustrating. OTOH, I do think that he wants to please me, but he doesn't know how, and I no longer know what to tell him. But yes, what might be obvious to one isn't to another!


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post #131 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?

@EleGirl, I never thought of it at the time, but yes, I should've shut the sex down completely after those instances of biting/pinching. Instead, I pulled back, and usually said "Ouch, that hurts!". He'd apologize, and we'd carry on. Shutting it down would've at least got it through a little faster that I meant business. Same thing for the laundry/dishes/housework. Hindsight is 20/20, and I definitely should've used the proverbial sledge hammer!

@uhtred, it was both our faults; not just his. If I could go back to when we were dating, I'd have been a lot stronger with him, and stuck to my guns more. Unfortunately now, even though things are changing a bit, I think it's too little too late.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Often times people do not make changes until they in so much pain that it basically forces them to change.

I'm saying the following probably more to others reading here who might have similar issues as I do think this is way too late for you. One thing that I see in what you wrote is that in a lot of ways you taught him that the biting, pinching, etc. are ok because you put up with it for so long. For something verbal communication just does not work. Had you responded immediately to every bit or pinch in a very strong negative way, like just end the sex immediately with a strong rebuff, it might have taught him not to do that to you. Instead your allowing it taught him that it was ok, even if you did fuss about it some.

The same kind of thing goes for the laundry, the dishes, etc.

It is so hard to deal with issues like this. Some people are so self absorbed that they do not notice the normal reactions that others have. It's like we need to use the proverbial sledge hammer to get them to notice and to change.
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