General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Well, to give a lilttle background, i've been with my wife for 13 years and I was involved in a few emotional and physical affairs up to 2005, but ever since then I cleaned up my act and have been a faithful husband ever since. I know I caused a lot of damage to my wife but she was coping with the situation and our relationship since then has been very good. UNTIL Sept of last year when SHE engaged in an emotional and maybe even physical affair. I found out and confronted her and she used the "I need space and time" line and said she didn't love me as before. we went to counseling and it helped a lot, to the point that from Late december up until Early March we were pretty much back to normal. Affection and intimate relations were improving. Then she went on an academic trip to CAlifornia (We live in FL) for a month,returning home on early April. our comunications during this time was pretty normal by phone and online, and i knew she was making good progress academically but also knew she had made many friends and was going out a lot. When she came back she was very distant towards me, barely even touching or kissing me, and she was constantly calling and chatting with her friends from Cali and i felt a bit left out. After a few day of this I told her about how I felt and she said that she had a lot of time to think about our relationaship while she was away and and she had great esteem and apreciation for me but that she didnt loveme anymore. i was shocked, still am. I love her dearly but she cannot answer with the same feelings. I told her that I'm not gonna pressure her and I'm giving her leeway to decide, but she doesnt have a clue what to do, she cannont move out cause she has no family or place to go, nor a job to support herself. I want to make things work but she is not into it and it's eating me not being able to touch her and to tell her how much I love her. We get along just fine but we been living like this for the past 3 weeks and there seems no end in sight. What should i do??? Should I continue living like this indefinitely or do I give her an ultimatum and tell her she must decide what she is gonna do? Please help this is driving me nuts
Have you two tried counseling? It's important not to beg and grovel. Do what you can to remain the confident, independent man she fell in love with. You can't force her to want to stay unfortunately. This is such a sad situation because some women can never recover from betrayel even though it's obvious you've changed. I wish there were an easy answer. Just don't give up (doesn't seem like you consider that an option anyway).
Another thought...since she's unable to leave, like you said, distancing herself and holding back love may feel like her only power. Even married people need a sense of independence. So she may still be your adoring wife inside. Maybe giving her space and a feeling of independence will bring that woman back out.
Three weeks is much too soon for an ultimatum, in my opinion. I'm in a position similar to your wife, and if my husband gave me an ultimatum now, it would be the perfect excuse to end the marriage.
Both of you need counseling right now, individual and perhaps couples. If she is in school, she should look for low-to-no-cost help at her university. You need to get help, too, b/c otherwise you will be too alone in this situation.
As time passes, you will either see progress or you won't. Only you can decide when YOU have had enough. If that is now, then so be it, keeping in mind what I said first.
Also, please keep in mind that the past cannot be undone, and no matter how much one forgives (your affairs), that does not mean she can or ever will feel the same toward you. You made mistakes, as you know, and you may have to "pay the piper." That does not make you a horrible person; you can learn from it. If you have not already explored the reasons for your past behavior, use this time to do it, so you will be a happier, more complete person in your future, regardless of whether or not you can rebuild this marriage. Best of luck.
Three weeks is much too soon for an ultimatum, in my opinion. I'm in a position similar to your wife, and if my husband gave me an ultimatum now, it would be the perfect excuse to end the marriage.
Three weeks would be my limit. However, I would not have put her through multiple affairs in the past, so I suppose you have to make allowances. Nevertheless, the past does not excuse someone who just wants to free-load. I would push the ultimatum button if it were me, (and you have no kids yet).
Just out of interest, what drove you to have all the affairs in the past?
I can't imagine that what you did to her was so easily forgotten. That's a long painful history you describe there. Sure, it doesn't excuse the EA she had, but it means you have much less moral ground to stand on. Sounds like she worked hard at repair for many years over and over. Now it's your turn and maybe she needs to know that you are up for the challenge and willing to work as hard as she did. Keep showing her your love. Three weeks is nothing. If you're ready for an ultimatum already, then maybe she's right to have so little trust.
But do go back to counseling. Obviously, the things you thought were resolved are not.
Also, with 13 years of marriage seems to me she's got a place to live ... half the place you're living in right now.
Your past affairs would be difficult to overcome with no counseling and deep communication work. Even though, you felt as if things were doing well....perhaps she harbored resentment. I know I would.
The other posters have offered good advice as well.
Thannks everyone for your comments, your concern is much appreciated and enlightening. We had gone to counseling a few weeks after this situation started back in September, it was my suggestion and she was wasn't too eager to go but we did. It was very helpful to us, we went individually, as a couple and to group therapy (she and I in different groups) After that we mellowed out in December and things slowly, kind of, were going back to normal. We didnt continue with counseling, and definitely we should take it up again, but I dont know if she is willing to do it now, I’ll go even if she won’t. Right now we are living together. The thing that strikes me the most is that for 4 years we’ve been working on mending our relationship and things seemed to be going pretty good and that she was pretty much over the affairs I had, but all of a sudden she got in her EA and thats when she tells me she doesn’t love me anymore. I brought up the ultimátum thing because it’s not 3 weeks since this started but 7 months. As I said before things kind of were back to “normal” from December till March, but after her trip she comes back and again says she doesn’t love me and becomes cold. It’s an emotional rollercoaster and maybe next week she starts acting like she wants to be with me and then something happens and again starts with her doubts. For now I’m acting very calmly around her, being her friend but not pressuring her, but its very tough for me, I want to make her feel loved but since she is not receptive I have to keep shut. Just giving it time. Well any suggestions are very welcome, you guys have been very helpful!
Wife went on trip, came back changed
