General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
1st, thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm sure there are many other things you could be doing right now.
I'm 38. My wife is 35. We have been married almost 14 years, and together almost 19. We have 2 kids. 5 & 10. Both awesome.
I could make this a book if I wanted, so let me try to sum it up and we'll go from there.
My wife has decided, gradually over the past couple years, that the man she fell in love with (supposedly) is no longer the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
She treats me like **** 90% of the time, and could care less about how I feel.
I knew we were having problems, but i did not realize that in this time she had gotten to the point where she just didn't care anymore. She has 2 kids and works full time as well. So she has plenty of things to do. To have to do anything to make me happy just isn't in her schedule. So I am basically a recluse when i am not working. When i am in her presence she talks down to me. As if i am one of the kids. She has no respect for me anymore.
At the same time, the sex has been long gone. The last time I tried to kiss her, she backed away. It was like I wasn't kissing the same woman anymore. She was never very sexual. Im sure it something to do with me, because she seems pretty willing to let me go and head for greener pastures. saying it would be better for both of us. we'd both be happier.
I don't agree. I didn't get married to give up after almost 20 years. Especially because i love my wife and kids and want to keep the family together.
But nothing I can say or do will make her the woman she was so many years ago. and she gets really upset when i put a time frame on anything. apparently living with my mother for a month at my age isn't enough for her, and getting a place of my own is not the direction she thinks i should go in...while not living or being wanted at home.
Should I let her go, or keep playing the roll of the husband who does whatever the wife wants to make her happy, but know that my wife isn't even a cool room mate?
I would strongly suggest you read Married Mans Sex Life by Kay Athol. It's badly named since it isnt about sex, but about finding the right balance of being the man in the relationship.
I would also ask, has your wife been making any changes? New clothes , loosing weight, more time online? New friends? Posted via Mobile Device
Think back to when you were that young'un, EOTR. Were you a complacent guy who backed down and kissed butt? It sounds like your wife has lost respect for you, and may be wanting to or already seeing someone else.
If I was in your shoes, I'd do exactly the opposite of what you're doing. I'd tell her there's no way in hell she'll take my children from me, that I'll help her pack her bags, but she should be aware that I will not forget that she abandoned her family and betrayed the oath she made when we married.
I wouldn't allow her to treat me with any kind of disrespect, either. Obviously, you don't want to have major scenes in front of your children or find arguments that escalate, but you have a choice on how you address her unpleasant treatment. You can hone in on what she's doing in a way that resonates with her. "Do you mean to teach our children that it's ok to talk to loved ones the way you're talking to me?"
Do not offer cooperation and acceptance for bad behaviors.
I'd recommend reading the recommended books, spending time on this forum, finding solitude to reach your inner thoughts & feelings. When you feel settled inside & convicted about who you are & what you want - then act.
Until then, take the time to gather yourself. If you act now, you risk scatter-shot actions which will lead to further lack of respect. It is time to take charge of yourself, figure out your personal boundaries, then enforce then. Not one moment before.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
I would strongly suggest you read Married Mans Sex Life by Kay Athol. It's badly named since it isnt about sex, but about finding the right balance of being the man in the relationship.
I would also ask, has your wife been making any changes? New clothes , loosing weight, more time online? New friends? Posted via Mobile Device
Work friends whom she has become closer with over the past couple years. All of whom I'm sure tell her she can find better. Hell, her sister told her don't worry she will help her find someone.
Which hurts like Hell, cause I'm not a bad guy. Never abusive, never cheated...its just bs. Imo
And the cloths. She is hot. For her age especially. All I ever see her in is sweats. She doesn't like or ever give me the chances to see her naked. But the sexy undies I see in the vicorias secret bag are not for comfort. And I won't ever see them. So who is she impressing?
She's way too concerned about her tan. Knowing I don't give a f, she has to be trying to impress someone.
I will look for these books suggested. I can also answer any questions or get more in depth if it would help get some honest opinions and advice.
Thanks Posted via Mobile Device
I would strongly suggest you read Married Mans Sex Life by Kay Athol. It's badly named since it isnt about sex, but about finding the right balance of being the man in the relationship.
I would also ask, has your wife been making any changes? New clothes , loosing weight, more time online? New friends? Posted via Mobile Device
Read these books to open your eyes. There on kindle. Here are the site links.
Work friends whom she has become closer with over the past couple years. All of whom I'm sure tell her she can find better. Hell, her sister told her don't worry she will help her find someone.
Which hurts like Hell, cause I'm not a bad guy. Never abusive, never cheated...its just bs. Imo
And the cloths. She is hot. For her age especially. All I ever see her in is sweats. She doesn't like or ever give me the chances to see her naked. But the sexy undies I see in the vicorias secret bag are not for comfort. And I won't ever see them. So who is she impressing?
She's way too concerned about her tan. Knowing I don't give a f, she has to be trying to impress someone.
I will look for these books suggested. I can also answer any questions or get more in depth if it would help get some honest opinions and advice.
Thanks Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry i didn't get that. Then there is an OM already? You should post in the infidelity forum for more direction.
No, there is no proof of another man. Just my speculation. If there is, she spends very little time with them. But maybe that's the attraction? Idk. Posted via Mobile Device
At first, it was "you don't spend enough time with me" then when I seen that trying to spend more time didn't change anything, it was "I don't want to be alone when the kids are older and gone" to which I replied "wouldn't we then have more time to focus on us" then it was "I'm just not happy"
No explanation of exactly why. And no input on what I can do to make her happy. Nothing I do is ever met with appreciation. Even a simple thank you.
We went to a councillor. Once just her, once just me, and twice together.
She doesn't want to take any responsibility for where we are. Thinks things like a "honey do" list are a joke (cause I should already know what she wants done) and failed to agree with one thing the lady said to us.
So, here I am. Another day of unrest and uncertainty.
And then, knowing how bad an argument got yesterday, proceeded to ask me if I wanted to go to the movies with her and the girls. Knowing that I had just finished cutting the grass, and still had to go do my moms yard work. Obviously I didn't go. But she asked, knowing I couldn't at that moment.
Does it somehow make her feel better that she asked, knowing that she's gonna throw it in my face later for not "doing things with the family" Posted via Mobile Device
BTW, moms yard work now mine since father passed a few months back. Try to help her where I can. This all started with my father getting sick, and her not being there for me during this time.
Water a month passed I couldn't take it anymore, and finally asked if she still loved and wanted me here. She couldn't say yes, so I left. I am home again, but as she puts it " only for the kids, and the counselor said if your not abusive or selling drugs ee should try to work it out" but she has not tried to hide the fact that she still doesn't care. And isn't happy being with me.
I want her to see the grass isn't greener on the other side. But her and my girls are all I really care about in this world and i was ready to do whatever I had to do to make it work.
She just doesn't seem at all interested in trying. Only to give the kids the appearance that their parents are still together.
My head is in so many different places right now. So sorry if I am not making a lot of sense. I just need to get this out of me before it kills me.
As much as I would love to think we got a chance, I am slowly comming to the realization that she is done with me. And seeing people I know with failed marriages, with good reason, it pains me to see something worth fighting for go to ****. As if I was that abusive guy. Posted via Mobile Device
And on the victorias secret stuff...its a few sexy tops and quite a few g strings. Which I remember years ago her telling me how uncomfortable they were. Since I know she said they are better to wear with some of her work pants so you don't see them. I get that. But these do not look like something you buy to not show someone....is my opinion too. Posted via Mobile Device
All marriages ebb and flow.Your tides just went to far. You have a long way to row back. Stop arguing with her, it only enforces the resentment on both your parts. Read Divorce Busters, today.
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Would really love some sound, unbiased advice 
