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Could use a little advice

1K views 12 replies 7 participants last post by  wittyusername 
#1 ·
Hi all. New here. Found the site via google. Didn't know where else to turn.

My wife and I have been married a little over a year; together for over 3. I love her. I really do. She's a beautiful, brutally honest, loyal woman. But I'm starting to think that we're too different to be happy together.

A few months after we started dating, we took a weekend beach trip together and had a mind-blowing argument in the hotel room in which every fiber of my being told me to drive her back home, drop her off, and never look back. But I didn't. I've been accused of "giving up" too easily before, and I didn't want to make that mistake yet again. Besides, when things are good, they're great, and I didn't want to let a nasty argument wreck what I thought we could have together.

The months progressed and we grew closer and closer, with the occasional "what the hell am I doing with her?" thought crossing my mind after an argument of diametrically-opposed viewpoints, but I told myself I was being stubborn and short-sighted, and reconciliation happened smoothly. It seemed like some days, we were on two different planets. She never had a lot of friends and truthfully neither did I, but I did have a group of about 4 guys I hung out with fairly regularly and while I am no social butterfly, I am 10 times more social than her. She's totally fine seeing friends once every blue moon or less. Personally, I get really sick of hanging out with the same person with no change in sight. No big deal, at least at the time, because I figured she's just shy (which she is) and if I want, I can hop in the car and see friends or family. She is a very moody, sarcastic person and to someone who doesn't know her, she comes off like a real b---- sometimes. She's not... well, she can be, but most of the time I realize she's just a bit socially awkward and moody and let it go.

Fast forward about 2 years, we get married and decide to leave the city we were in (my home town... her home for the past 7 years) and move 1000 miles away to a warmer climate where we know nobody, and try to make a go of it in a new land. Long story short - after a year and change, I can confidently say this place pretty much sucks and I feel like I'm in a prison. We both have great jobs here but making friends has been extraordinarily difficult because of our schedules (I work evenings and have made lots of work friends but 1 real-life pseudo-friend. She works nights and the people she's met live an hour away and are seemingly hermits.). I miss my friends and family terribly although I think what I really miss is regular social interaction with people other than her. I hate the weather down here. I hate the fact that the little bit of free time we both have is spent sleeping or doing the one thing she loves - going out to dinner. I am bored out of my mind and every time I bring up how much I want us to leave this place she gets angry, so I've stopped talking about it. I just can't foresee how much longer I can live in a situation where every day repeats itself and I'm somewhat forced into hanging out with the same person ad nauseum. Plus, this city we're in is not somewhere I'd want to raise a child. I've told her as much and that this place, this state really, is off the table if we're going down that road.

I've taken her out a few times with the very small group of people I know outside of work and it's almost as if she just cops an anti-social attitude just to piss me off. She did this back home a few times when meeting my friends. My friends back home are some of the nicest, warmest, friendliest people around and she acts like a block of ice and expresses NO desire to hang out with them again unless I drag her out. I've never been with a woman who is less social than I am, and it irritates me.

Most of her time off work is spent sleeping, watching tv and drinking wine, or running errands. Without fail, if I have to work an evening when she's off, I'll come home and find her on the couch watching <insert garbage Bravo channel show here> polishing off (or already having polished off) a bottle of wine. I've told her I think she drinks too much and she just looks at me like I'm an alien and ignores me. Her life is either full speed ahead (very demanding, challenging work) or in recovery mode; nothing in between. When I'm ready to go, she's at rest, and vice-versa.

Moving back home, at least married, is out. She wants nothing to do with my home town. Aside from the crappy winters and high cost, I wouldn't mind going back, but even if we lived a couple hours away I'd be find with that, too. She gets SO UPSET when I talk about moving closer to home, as if it's a natural defense mechanism designed to keep me away from people I know and all for herself, and that paradoxically drives me away from her (to be fair, she wants nothing to do with her hometown either, which is even further north). I think back to girlfriends I've had in the past who would positively encourage me to see my friends... have "guy night" etc. My god, if I told my wife I was going out without her, I'd get the look of death. And of course, if I were to ever react negatively, she'd just cop a 'tude about it and we'd fight.

Our lease runs through next March and I'm counting the days. Can't come soon enough. I've told myself that I'm part of the problem since she's relatively content (for now) with our living situation and I'm already in out-of-here mode mentally. I'm 35. I have no desire to waste years of my life wasting away in a town I don't want to be in. I've made numerous suggestions as to where we could go, but she never does. She seems fine with rotting away in this place, away from everything she has ever known.

The point of all this rambling is that I find myself really resenting her, and expressing no desire sexually (I have always been very sexually active. Faithful, safe, but active.) and I can tell she's resentful in turn to me about it. Between her moodiness, excessive alcohol consumption on most free nights, and malaise, oh and EXTREME resistance to talking about ways to improve the situation, I don't know what to do anymore. I really hate the fact that she squashes anything to do with living closer to our friends/families but offers no suggestions either.

It's dragging me down on a daily basis. Some days I just want to pack a bag and kiss her goodbye. She's not a bad person, but I don't know if we're right for each other anymore. If I'm having these thoughts after just 1 year of marriage, I'm worried that we're doomed.
 
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#2 ·
Pack a bag and kiss her goodbye. She will find someone right for her, and so will you.

I suspect that your life may end up happier.

Pack the bag....
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#4 ·
Never would. The poor kid's childhood would mirror mine. Two parents who still care for each other in some way but can't make it work, then spend the next 15 years turning the kid into a tug of war rope.

No thanks.



The only reason I haven't left is because I know she is capable of being a better person than this, and I never want to be accused of giving up the way I always felt my father gave up on his marriage even though he still loved my mother. Does that sound bad? It sure sounds like crap in my head.

Ugh.
 
#6 ·
It sounds like you feel guilty for walking out in the past. And it could have been the one you would have been happy with.
But don't use your guilty feeling to think you are improving this by staying with her. Sometimes even after making a bad decision you need to let it go, and move on.
She obviously has some issues. And she is ok with herself, so no matter what you do or how much patience you have she won't change...she doesn't care to change.
You have invested 3-4 years in her; and the amount of good times should add up more then the blah times.
I have seen in my life time many good guys marry the wrong woman and they end up miserable and having to cut their social life or family life so that she can almost be worthwhile.
I'm in a 21 yr marriage, and regret not moving on on our 1st yr of marriage. As a woman I thought I could change him. Truth is IT NEVER WORKS.
You seem to be a nice gentlemen, caring for your family and friends .. that is if you are being truthful in what you wrote.
I hope you can make the right decision ... for yourself
 
#7 ·
Heh... I have no reason to fabricate any part of this story. I came here seeking advice because I feel isolated from those who can give me advice.

Also, this may sound dumb but I don't complain and/or have a lot of heart-to-hearts with my parents, especially my dad. My best friend got married and moved off to Colorado so he has his own set of things to deal with. We're not super close like we used to be although we still talk regularly. Natural drifting, I guess.
 
#8 ·
I'm sorry for your situation. I agree with the posts above. She doesn't seem to care at all about you. She seems happy with the status quo and the fact that she does not want to make any changes to accommodate you and your wishes is a big problem. Marriage is a two way street. Each side has to give a little to get a little. It's very easy for spouses to lose sight of that and get caught up in a "well I'm happy" mindset. That's not good enough. You have to be willing to make sacrifices for each other for the marriage to be successful. Your wife seems to take and take and take and is unwilling to budge on anything that doesn't fit with her idea of happiness.

I think you need to really consider whether this is a woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and raise children with. Based on what you've written, it doesn't sound like it. She doesn't sound like someone who will be an equal partner in your relationship going forward which will make raising children and setting long term goals IMPOSSIBLE. You think you're miserable now? Just wait.

No one here can tell you what to do. Only you can make the choice, but you're in a bad spot and unless she's willing to meet you halfway in this relationship, then you should get out now. Marriage definitely doesn't get easier as it goes on and your lives become more intertwined. The only other option is to try marriage counseling which may help her see things a little bit more clearly (but then again, maybe not).

Good luck.
 
#11 ·
Hi again. It's been a little while. We've been trying to work through our issues and all has been well, or so I thought.

My wife found out she was 7 weeks pregnant and decided to terminate it on her own without consulting me one bit. The only reason I knew something was wrong was that she was throwing up and missed her period. I immediately suspected pregnancy (we use the pill but it's not 100% effective, ya know?). She said she was going to make a doc appointment and keep me updated through the day. I get nothing.

She works that night at the hospital. The next day I find a new vial of antibiotics in the cabinet and she tells me that because of her "extensive" exam she can't have sex for 2 weeks. I smell bs so I googled the particular antibiotic and research post-abortion procedures. They line up. I confronted her about it and she flew off the handle and accused me of being paranoid and a jerk. I don't let up and asked her why she couldn't tell me which doctor she went to, where the invoice is, why she wouldn't let me see her credit card statement... "oh I paid in cash." So NO invoice, you can't tell me which doc, AND you paid in cash? SOUNDS LIKE MAJOR LEAGUE BS TO ME. I persist and persist. She finally breaks down and tells me she killed my 7 week old child without consulting me. Claims that we weren't ready, and that the 2 anxiety/anti depression meds she's on are harmful to pregnancies. Never mind that she didn't even bother undergoing tests to see if any damage was done, or, heh, consulting your husband. Nah. Just whack it and be done with it.

She swears it was mine as she would never be unfaithful. At this point I don't even care if it was mine or not. I'm done with this.

It just goes to show you, guys, if you smell bs, it's most likely for a good reason.
 
#12 ·
sounds like a real mess! As a counselor, I can't help but suspect some sort of mental health diagnosis for her. This doesn't mean that she's the one at fault for everything but it does mean she needs to address it and get help with it in order to have a healthy relationship. If you decide to continue on with the relationship, definitely request to see a counselor together. And ask the counselor to do individual assessments of both of you.

It sounds like she's in need of help. And it sounds like your relationship is in need of help. It also sounds like you're sort of an enabler (just hafta say it here). You did right in demanding answers and not letting up. That shows you're stopping the enabling and letting go of issues when you sense resistance.

When there has been such a HUGE violation of trust (i.e. aborting a pregnancy without consulting the partner) then you definitely will need to see a counselor to help rebuild the trust. But it sounds like you're done with the relationship now. If you really have decided to give up on the relationship, take some time before you get into a relationship to resolve some of the difficulties from this relationship. Also use the time to work on you and prepare yourself for another relationship. Checkout my article Newly Single? Now what? for tips of how to exactly that.
 
#13 ·
Thanks for the advice. You're right about one thing - I am an enabler. It's a fault. I try not to be one.

I don't see this working. For such a normally brutally honest person, she has violated the trust in a major way on multiple fronts and one thing I don't put up with is dishonesty. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I thought she was better than this. Little white lies are one thing. This is far beyond.

I'm not in any sort of state to prepare myself for another relationship. Perhaps I'll read that article down the road when my head's back on straight. For now I need to figure out a way out of this hellhole of a state and back to normal civilization where I'm surrounded by people I know and I can trust.
 
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