04-26-2009, 08:19 PM
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#1 (permalink)
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| Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3
|  Having a real hard time...
Hi... I guess I'm here looking for some feed back. I'm not sure where to start so I just will... My wife and I have known eachother since 1992ish. We had ALWAYS been the best of friends and it carried on until late 1999 when we took it to the next level. My wife and her two children came to live with me at the beginning of 2000 where we lived in harmony until our pregnancy with our daughter. (This is, of course, coming from my head and is MY interpretaion of our story) During the pregnancy, my wife underwent what was to me, and very tiring time. I had never gone through pregnancy and had no clue what to expect. We continued having sex throughout the duration, but as she spent alot of time resting and sleeping, which I was ok with me as I knew not what to expect from a pregnant woman, I did not want to wake her with my sexual needs as I could take care of them myself. I began to use the internet for pornography late at night when she was asleep. I was not addicted to it as she thinks, nor did I ever download anything. It was merely a stimulation device. She caught me, and I lied about it. I should not have but unfortunatly did. Our problems started there. As time went on, so did my use of porn. I has never and does not replace sex with my wife as I MUCH prefer a second person over my hand. She does not think the same even though we've used it in our marriage under HER suggestion. She will not believe me when I tell her my feelings on it. It is something that I've given up in the past. I have NEVER, nor WOULD never say no to my wife becuase I wasn't in the mood. I'm usually in the mood. Life went on as did her job as a waitress in a small town bar. She began to have later nights and stranger excuses for being late. About a year later it was brought to my attention that she was seeing another man on the side. Things went from not so great to worse. We saw councillors and vowed to fix it. We sold our house and moved to a bigger city where she again took on the role of a barmaid. Since the first affair I've pleaded with her to get out of that business, but due to her persistence and love for the job, it eventually won. we have been in and out so many times in our marriage, I've honestly lost track. We've been separated numerous time because of her alcoholism, my so called emotional abandonment, her affair, fighting, her hospitalisation for a mental/mood disorder (twice), her cocaine use........ We've now come into the new year, moving into a bigger home for our family, and things have again been brought to my attention from another outside party. She is again having an affair with the same man as before, meeting him out of town or here in town when I am away with work. (Which I will add that when out of town I have used porn again and she knows about it. As I said before, it's a stimulation thing, not a fantasy one as I'm older now, it doesn't jump up on demand. I never use it at home.)Since moving to this city, turns out she's been in contact randonly with him and has seen him numerous times in the last 5 years. I have now found out the truth from her concerning now AND the truth I never heard from the last time, and I'm emotionally crushed. She HAS slept with him altogether probably at LEAST a half a dozen times since the beginning. She says it's more of a buddy thing and they only ever have drunk or stoned on cocaine sex. I really don't know how, but We're talking of fixing this again. She has never been able to see the things I do to show my love and it's becoming a real issue with my feelings. I'm supposed to SHOW her, but in return she won't see it. I'm so emotionally raw over this and have told her that for my brain to give anything back, she's going to have to show remorse and show ME that it's me she really wants. The biggest way for me to feel that is for her to be a touchy feely person. I feel love from physical contact more so than someone making me cookies. I've always been like that and have always told her that. But she says she can't do that till I show her love. We're at a stalemate. While I feel she won't give me what I need out of mostly stubborness, my heart won't just let go of all I've found out about the past 6 years about 3 and a half weeks ago. I'm not an angel, but I would never cheat on my partner. I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. There is more to our story, but I think that's the jist of it.... Any input would be most appreciated!! Thanx.
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Re: Having a real hard time... 
