General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My daughter and I were trying to figure out whether or not the period should go inside the quotation marks or outside the parenthetical citation. My husband said that a comma should go on the inside of the quotation and a period outside the citation. I disagreed, because a comma implied that there was more to the quotation, which there wasn't. We disagreed over it a little more, explaining our viewpoints and then he looked at me and said "Ok", then walked off. When I asked him to help us with something later he said "No" quite forcefully, which is when I realized that he was angry.
It turned out that he was incorrect, which I verified by looking it up online. But that didn't matter and I didn't even get the opportunity to let him know, even though he probably wouldn't have wanted to hear that.
This sounds like a control issue to me, OP.
My partner and I spend much of our time discussing, debating and researching a variety of subjects. We are both intelligent people and love learning new things. We sometimes disagree on something, but try to discover why we disagree, as this is how we learn and grow.
Always having to be right, and getting angry when we're proved wrong, or disagreed with, doesn't sound emotionally mature to me. From what you've told us here, IMO, your H is the one with the issues and as such they are for him to deal with.
It's a pity he won't consider counseling, because I think we can all benefit from learning to communicate more effectively...
In the situation described regarding the punctuation what would the preferred solution be from your husbands point of view. You say nothing and your daughter turns in a paper with incorrect punctuation? You say nothing at the time but after he's left get her to correct it?
You and your husband are equals in your relationship. Both of you should be free to express your opinion without provoking animosity in the other.
You are each responsible for your own feelings. They talk about it in the book I recommended. You don't make your husband angry. He gets angry in response to your actions. There's a subtle difference there that to me is very important.
Well I would think that whatever you do to recover from disrespecting him, would need to "show respect" and put him on a higher plane for a time. Like, do something submissive that you wouldn't normally do. Even assuming a submissive posture during oral, for example, could go a long way.
Or let him catch you talking him up to a friend. Like, get a friend on the phone and steer the conversation to some topic where you can say how great he is at something and make sure he's in earshot when you say it. Subtly let him know that you admire some part of him or what he does. Don't say it directly to him, that seems less sincere.
Well I would think that whatever you do to recover from disrespecting him, would need to "show respect" and put him on a higher plane for a time. Like, do something submissive that you wouldn't normally do. Even assuming a submissive posture during oral, for example, could go a long way.
Or let him catch you talking him up to a friend. Like, get a friend on the phone and steer the conversation to some topic where you can say how great he is at something and make sure he's in earshot when you say it. Subtly let him know that you admire some part of him or what he does. Don't say it directly to him, that seems less sincere.
I've read through the responses to this thread and all I see are a bunch of rants about how wrong the husband is. C123 called him several names and offered exactly zero advice. She asked a specific question. She wants to know what she can do differently. She wants to convince her husband that she respects him. The things that others were posting were just hurtful to her husband.
Cosmos, you did suggest counseling which is a pretty decent "standard" answer. You didn't answer her question about what she could do differently though, rather, just said he has control issues.
Maybe my approach seems condescending, I don't know. She wanted a fresh perspective and an idea for what she could try to change things up. I took her at her word and gave her an idea or 2. Maybe it will work, maybe not. I doubt it would do any harm though.
Actually WOM, I suggested that they had a breakdown in communication and needed some outside assistance there. I recommended that they needed to see a counselor in order to learn how to better communicate with each other since obviously nothing else is working.
And yes, based on what she's written, I do think this man is acting childishly and she needs to know that it's not normal or productive behavior. If I knew someone who acted like this around his wife, I would be disgusted.
Well I would think that whatever you do to recover from disrespecting him, would need to "show respect" and put him on a higher plane for a time. Like, do something submissive that you wouldn't normally do. Even assuming a submissive posture during oral, for example, could go a long way.
Or let him catch you talking him up to a friend. Like, get a friend on the phone and steer the conversation to some topic where you can say how great he is at something and make sure he's in earshot when you say it. Subtly let him know that you admire some part of him or what he does. Don't say it directly to him, that seems less sincere.
WOM, I appreciate the suggestions. Since I'm not really prone to being on the phone much, that idea probably won't work. He'd see thru it anyway.
I've got no prob with oral submission. But that's not something "new". I've gotta come stronger than that...and soon. If I don't make a move, then my next mistake will be letting this drag on while I'm trying to figure this out.
As my relationship with my STBXW is so similar to yours, I'm going to chime in..
My wife would apologize all the time for everything, even if she did nothing wrong..The constant "im sorry" began to lose meaning. She over used it for everything and would never elaborate why she is sorry...I began to see the sorry as a blanket statement..There for her to justify her behavior. No "I'm sorry for doing blank and I know that was the wrong thing to say/do."...Just the two words..
After we had to have daily conversations about the same problems over and over, I told her I don't want to hear 'im sorry' I want to FEEL like you ARE sorry...and that means realizing your behavior is causing damage to our relationship..You need to take care not to do it again. You may SAY your sorry, but your actions say differently. How can you be sorry and know what you are doing is hurting me, AND then continue to do?"
......Eventually, the trust was gone and the constant effort trying to rebuild it was killing me physically and emotionally..I wanted to trust her, but I couldn't..the same behaviors kept coming back and so did the two word apology that I felt carried no more weight...
All I wanted from her was for her to stop hurting me and acknowledge that her behavior is causing me pain...and then stop that behavior..
He sounds completely fed up and cut off emotionally..its a long road to rebuilt trust..especially when its been broken time and time again...In my case, it got to a point where I gave up trying...knowing that whatever I do, she won't change..
He needs to open up again and start trusting you....to do that he probably needs to see that constant change from you...once its become the norm...his resentment would most likely lessen..
geek: This is my life and I couldn't have described it any better. My wife says I'm sorry all the time regardless of who's at fault. It makes you lose respect for a person and then the trust is gone as you said. We've talked about it many times, but it's ingrained in her personality from childhood (Alchoholic/abusive parents). I also told her I never want to hear those words again because they're so empty now. It's like a reflex and after 20 years and I'm sure she can't change.
To the OP: You mentioned that your husband reads between the lines and you do not. Does he tell you what he's expecting and how he feels all the time? Is he always the one to inititate relationship talk? I'm wondering how often you bring up relationship issues and if your husband thinks your timing is bad when you finally do it? I'm selfishly asking these things because I'm hoping that we might be able to help each other understand our spouses.
My wife has a hard time reading what's behind my emotional state. Her's either for that matter. She isn't able to anticipate what I'm going to think or do while I can accurately predict what she'll say and do in most situations. I mean after 20 years you tend to know a person. In a nut shell she isn't the most sensitive person when it comes to understanding emotions. She's a very nice person and good mother, but since I never get any meaningful feedback from her I've begun to stop trying. I'm a bit hopeless for our marriage and it sounds like your husband may also be at this point. Its not a good place to be.
My husband complains that I've kept making the same mistakes for the past 12 years. He's referring to things like this:
1) Questioning him in front of others and giving the impression that I don't respect him or his word. Whether or not he's right isn't the point.
People who do things or say things based on facts and logic love to argue because they know they are right and they have lots of evidence to back it up. People who are wrong completely shut down and resort to personal attacks. Not being able to defend himself against your questions leads me to believe that he's not intelligent, he knows he's not intelligent, and he's very sensitive about that particular issue. Is there any history to this? People calling him stupid, being held back grades, being compared to a sibling that was smarter, etc?
There are couple of things that may help you address the situation. Before I go into them please keep in mind that ideally there are many things your husband should do as well such as having a better control of his ego, address his insecurities and be willing to fulfill your emotional needs better.
That said on your side here is what you can do:
Firstly learn how to diplomatically and tactfully communicate. You are in a situation where he has a hyper sensitive ego and developing this tact is very important.
As an example with the punctuation scenario words along the lines of: "That may be a possibility and given your education and command of the language it may very well be so, I do have a concern and would you mind if we double checked online to make sure."
The habit of talking like this will take time and energy to form. I recommend Dale Carnegie - How to win friends and influence people as a great material on this
Secondly you would do well to become proficient at showing respect. The sort of respect a man wants. This is not a natural skill for you or most women thus documentation and diligent practice is needed to get the hang of it. You are naturally adept at showing love but a healthy dose of respect is needed as well.
To the OP: You mentioned that your husband reads between the lines and you do not. Does he tell you what he's expecting and how he feels all the time? Is he always the one to inititate relationship talk? I'm wondering how often you bring up relationship issues and if your husband thinks your timing is bad when you finally do it? I'm selfishly asking these things because I'm hoping that we might be able to help each other understand our spouses.
My wife has a hard time reading what's behind my emotional state. Her's either for that matter. She isn't able to anticipate what I'm going to think or do while I can accurately predict what she'll say and do in most situations. I mean after 20 years you tend to know a person. In a nut shell she isn't the most sensitive person when it comes to understanding emotions. She's a very nice person and good mother, but since I never get any meaningful feedback from her I've begun to stop trying. I'm a bit hopeless for our marriage and it sounds like your husband may also be at this point. Its not a good place to be.
Peace
I think you're hitting the nail on the head with your comments. He always seems to be able to 'predict' behaviors, sometimes as if he expects the worse. I don't often bring up relationship issues because it usually turns into an argument and I'm the wrong one. When I point out his similar behavior, my concerns aren't as relevant so they don't get any kind of traction. I dont pick that battle to fight anymore.
I've tried giving meaningful feedback. But it doesn't seem to him to be warranted. So that leaves me with no real outlet except to do EVERYTHING that makes him happy so that I can be happy again.
People who do things or say things based on facts and logic love to argue because they know they are right and they have lots of evidence to back it up. People who are wrong completely shut down and resort to personal attacks. Not being able to defend himself against your questions leads me to believe that he's not intelligent, he knows he's not intelligent, and he's very sensitive about that particular issue. Is there any history to this? People calling him stupid, being held back grades, being compared to a sibling that was smarter, etc?
Absolutely not! I can say without hesitation that he's a very smart man. He's smart to the point that he can come across as arrogant and condescending. It isn't intentional. He knows what he knows and can back it up. In my opinion, the issue is that, when it comes to people, he knows EVERYTHING...every motive, every line of reasoning...EVERYTHING! That's not humanly possibly.
So that leaves me with no real outlet except to do EVERYTHING that makes him happy so that I can be happy again.
That does not sound positive at all. That's the kind of devotion one might expect from their dog.
I'm going to hazard a guess that no matter what you do you will never quite live up to what he wants from you. In the end what he wants from you is to feel better about himself. That has to come from within it's not something you can do for him.
I think you're hitting the nail on the head with your comments. He always seems to be able to 'predict' behaviors, sometimes as if he expects the worse. I don't often bring up relationship issues because it usually turns into an argument and I'm the wrong one. When I point out his similar behavior, my concerns aren't as relevant so they don't get any kind of traction. I dont pick that battle to fight anymore.
I've tried giving meaningful feedback. But it doesn't seem to him to be warranted. So that leaves me with no real outlet except to do EVERYTHING that makes him happy so that I can be happy again.
My wife does this also. She's always been a confrontation avoider and is very sensitive to any type of argument. I stopped yelling completely about 5 years ago, but it hasn't changed our dynamic. I was out of line when I was yelling and made a big effort to change myself. My opinion now is that our relationship is fundamentally unhealthy for both of us due to our differences. Makes me depressed to think about it.
Unfortunately your husband may not respect you when you stop trying to make your point or work on the relationship. If you resort to showing your love through trying to make him happy he will lose more respect since it appears as if you won't deal with the issue at hand. My wife lies over little things that she's embarrassed about which really have no direct consequences to our relationship. This has also wiped out my trust in her since you never know when she's trying to cover up. I would reccommend that you simply say "I'm not sure and let me get back to you" if there is something you don't want to answer at the moment. Admitting you screwed up before he has time to figure it out is a good way to go. He should be a big enough person to accept that answer. If not, then he needs to work on himself big time.
One thing that we've done lately is to have our discussions on Skype while at work. This way she can gather her thoughts and not just react to my comments under pressure. It was amazing to see how different her responses were when I wasn't in front of her. She is easily intimidated by everyone she meets and it doesn't help that I'm a serious dude at 6'3". She said she feels out matched in an argument and often says incorrect things. I also stopped pointing this out many years ago because it doesn't make a difference one way or another. Your husband needs to stop picking on you and give you some time to respond to stuff if he wants your marriage to succeed. You also need to stop looking for ways to prove him wrong to get even. He'll resent that even if he deserves it. It won't help your situation one bit. We are all different in how we process information. If you aren't a planner/forecaster type of person your responses may appear less developed to him since you live in the moment and he already thought about that moment 5 days ago. There have been many times I have been wrong about stuff and have made it a point to admit it to my wife in an attempt to help her have more confidence. I want a more confident wife now, but I can honestly say that wasn't true when we got married. I had to take responsibility for pursuing a spouse that lacked confidence which means now I must make an extra effort to help her grow. Your husband sounds like he hasn't realized he is responsible for pursuing you and therefore can't accept who you are. He needs to meet you half way at least.
Edit: If I've projected my crap too much just ignore what doesn't apply. I'm not trying to offend you.
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Re: I need some advice 
