River1977

Stop saying you are trying when obviously you're not trying. It doesn't take years to get the message. Trying doesn't mean you keep on accepting being criticized or corrected. Trying means you eliminate the need for correction.

But, my question is: What on earth is it you think you are trying to do? Trying not to anger him when all he got angry over was you having your own opinion......that differs from his? Trying to do as he asked when he rejects each effort because you should have been doing it all the long? Trying to run after him when he's angry although he had nothing to get angry about? Trying not to forget your mind-reading abilities on the pillow each morning?

He is manipulating you into doing exactly what you are doing, which is taking the blame for breathing. You are married to a controlling idiot who 1) refuses to be wrong about anything, 2) enjoys being mad so he can watch you squeal and so he can find something else to complain about so he feels superior, and 3) will never be satisfied no matter what you do.

You know you haven't done anything wrong. Surely you know you are not supposed to go through life agreeing with everything he says....or better yet, you're not supposed to go through life unable to have your own opinions and concerns.

Do you feel inadequate?
Do you feel like a bad wife?
Do you feel inferior to him?
Do you feel incapable?
Do you feel stupid?

I bet you feel all those things. You don't feel them because you ARE inadequate, a bad wife, inferior, incapable, or stupid. You feel them because this is exactly how he wants you to feel.

MrsKeepTrying

Perhaps you're right. The thought has occurred to me that I'll never satisfy him. But to me, because I recognize where I can improve, before I totally give up, I'm working on my own self-confidence to prove to myself that I know how to fix my own issues. In the meantime, if he is willing to wait while I fix me, then we'll be happy together in the end. We've been happy before...we can be there again.

MrsKeepTrying

Hi Enginerd,

Your points have been the closest to what I've been experiencing.

I tired of arguing a long time ago. When I get angry and frustrated, I don't communicate very well. I speak before I think and that, in turns, muddles things. I end up saying things that either don't make sense (because I'm scrambling to say something meaningful) or that are totally irrelevant. He responds as expected and the conversation goes down hill from there.

You made a good point about my trying to show my love by making him happy instead of dealing with the issues. I'd always felt that, if I focused on just my own issues, then I wasn't working together with him as a unit. Focusing on myself seemed selfish. But I'm beginning to realize that, over the years, I've put so much energy into him that I've neglected myself emotionally and physically. As a result, I don't feel like myself anymore and I think I've built resentment toward him because of that. Ultimately it's not totally his fault because I allowed myself to get this way, but he is definitely a contributing factor.

I had an epiphany yesterday that I should start building myself back up, both emotionally and physically. Perhaps, in doing so, he will notice me gaining back my self-confidence and will power and can respect that move toward change...without thinking that I'm neglecting him. That's the tricky piece that I'm trying to navigate. If I pay him less attention while I work on me, he would most likely start to feel like I'm not interested in him anymore, which certainly isn't the case. I have to find a way to balance the two...and that's one big thing that's been hard for me.

By the way, you're not offending me at all. Seeing your perspective is helping since it's so similar to what I'm doing through.

MrsKeepTrying

Thanks for your response River. While I don't totally agree with the harsh tone or some of your lines of reasoning, I'm taking some of your words at face value and will think on them when I'm doing my own self analysis of my part in the problem.

Enginerd

Glad to help. You're perspective helps me be more patient with my wife. I told my wife that I'd rather she work on herself then cook or clean. I would rather have a confident happy wife who's into me then someone who resents me. I asked her to stop doing my laundry and still had to stop her from doing it a few times after I asked. We've made some progress but its hard to reverse a lifetime of behaviors. It's like she can't help herself and I can't step in everytime to point out she doesn't need to do something since that's not too sexy if you know what I mean.

I think the key to keeping him aware that you still care while your busy working on yourself is to use your new confidence on him like only a wife can. Keep the daily surprises to a minimum and let him know what your doing. Don't ask for persmission but tell him what your new schedule is going to be and how it will affect him. He may get snippy if he doesn't get the day to day attention at first but you should ignore him when he's like that. Once he realizes that you're truely improving yourself and you plan to share your improved self with him he should come around if he has a heart. He will respect you a whole lot more in the end. Like others have said this isn't just about your improvement. He needs to take a hard look at himself and assume his share of the responsibility. You may need to calmly tell him that. I didn't get the sense that your husband was a hardcore abusive guy like others have insinuated here, but he definately needs to change his ways. It may be a case where you're too sensitive and he's verbally abusive on occassion. It's never acceptable for him to be abusive but he doesn't sound like an axe murderer either. One thing that you may not realize is that he's basically an insecure person which is what causes him to overeact. While he may appear overconfident to you it's his way to protect his fragile ego. This was my big epiphany. Strength is not about being forceful, arguing or being right. Strength is about being able to calmly deal with any situation without your ego getting in the way. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to keep my mouth shut but now I know its the right thing to do. He needs to humble himself and realize that everything is not about him. You should ask him if he wants you to be happy and see what he says.

MrsKeepTrying

Thanks again for your viewpoint. He said something interesting today after I'd asked his opinion about a few things. I'm working on showing more of an interest in things he likes and am resolved to continuing liking them instead of just liking them to get over the rough patch. That's the loving thing to do. But he said those ideas were "things" and he's not interested in things.

What does that mean? How do you classify an action as a "thing"? What other action could I take to show my respect and desires for him w/out him thinking it's just a thing or a phase?

Enginerd

Yeah he sounds like me. I think he's looking for signs of a deeper emotional connection. He wants to know that your tuned into his needs and emotional states. If he's like me he doesn't care if you like all his interests. He's doesn't care about your acts of service by which you show your love. He needs to hear how you feel about him one way or another. It may not be all good but at least it will be honest feelings from you.

Just last night I told my wife that I didn't think she thought of me as a whole person with real feelings like guilt, regret, fear and love. Somehow she doesn't feel its necessary to keep track of my emotional state or daily challenges where I always have to pay close attention to hers. Since she won't talk to me about her feelings I have to observe her actions and moods to figure it out. I'm good at it now, but honestly I'm worn out from trying so much. It's almost like she treats me like you would a boss or authority figure. Only telling him/her certain things because your afraid of their response or the consequences. She's so triggered by anything remotely resembling criticism that she avoids the possibility of it at all costs. She only talks to me about mundane things and never about her inner thoughts. Its hard to be close to her this way. She flat out lies about many things. Last night we also talked about how she came into our marriage overly sensitive (Abusive parents) and how I totally made it worse by yelling at her when I was frustrated. I would yell once or twice a month after a few years of marriage. That all stopped several years ago but the damage was done. Is your husband still yelling alot?