gabbie1

My husband makes me feel like I am going crazy, he gets mad at me for getting mad at him and calls me abusive.... and his actions are extremely egregious, such as, acting like he is single right in front of me, drinking too much then getting into trouble way too often for a person over 50, digging his heels in and being extremely stubborn when I ask him to do something with me that he doesn't want to do, doesn't matter what it is, if he doesn't want to do it he fights really hard, sometimes he eventually does it, after all my joy is taken away...one recent situation was when I was injured with a broken shoulder while skiing, after spending the entire following day in bed while he was skiing, when he came back in the evening I asked him to help me shower and straighten up the hotel room since we had to check out the next day and he said that he would help me in the morning cause he wanted to go out and eat and drink, then when I persisted he started to yell at me then stormed out and left me to take care of myself with my broker shoulder and drugged up state..and this is just one of many very selfish things that he has done within the last year.... and now I have found out that he is taking notes of my angry reactions but without noting what sparked those reactions...I am at my wits end....but I'm scared....any advise or opinions?

MrsOldNews

Start recording when you two have a talk about things. Save your recordings somewhere safe. You can always play them back to him up make him realize how he really comes off (not just in his own head). And writing stuff down will get him nowhere. It's an obvious one sided story. What does he hope to accomplish by writing it down??? Do you remain calm during your "Talks"? Or do you antagonize the situation?

MrsKeepTrying

First of all, I hope your shoulder healed ok.

Secondly, if he's writing these instances down, maybe you should too. Then, when he's in a good (or great) mood, try sharing notes with one another. If he's open to the discussion, then go from there. But remember to try not to show any sort of frustration or impatience. He might not want to share notes. If not, then you can still keep yours and perhaps include things that you might have done or said to him to set him off. This is not to say that it's your fault all the time. But in my experience, I've learned that sometimes there are subconscious buttons that we push w/out realizing it until we do some self analysis.

Last, you mentioned that he gets mad at you for getting mad at him. Well, when you get mad at him, what do you do? Yell? Huff & puff? Slam things? Ignore him? How does he know you're mad at him? You say he accuses you of being abusive...in what way? Maybe the next time, when you're mad, take a few deep breaths and try to calmly discuss with him what is bothering you. If he flairs up, let him be the only one. If he stomps out, let him. When he has calmed down and is ready to communicate again, then try to bring up the subject again, letting him know that it's still something that bothered you.

I'm starting to reread a book called "How to Talk So Your Mate Will Listen and Listen So Your Mate Will Talk". It has some really good points on how to get through that angry/hurtful exterior to try to actually reach your mate. You might find it helpful.

wiigirl

Very interesting idea.


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MrsKeepTrying

Wow gabbie, that's a lot of negativity. Perhaps he wants out and just doesn't know how to say so? Maybe he's trying to piss you off so much that you'll be the one giving him divorce papers that he will happily sign in order to be a free agent?

I haven't been in your situation so I really can't think of any meaningful advice. If you want to make it work, then try reading the book I suggested. It might give you some insight into how/what he's thinking. But if you KNOW you don't want to do it anymore, then do what you have to do. Let him go his way.

A Bit Much

I don't see any reason here that would make me want to stay. Why do you? He's not nice to you at all. Or considerate. Or caring. Or responsible.

What's the payoff for YOU? Don't speculate on what he gets out of this relationship... what do YOU get out of it?